Hey guys, I have been going back and forth for a while about how to handle this situation. I want to know if anyone else has ever been in a similar situation, and also what you would do if you were in my shoes.
My wife and I got married this past spring after dating long distance for about 2 years. We moved to a small town, states away from either of our families, where I was going to graduate school. Shortly after being married I realized there were several serious differences between us that caused trouble and have left me feeling unfulfilled.
I do not get the amount of financial or domestic support from my wife that I believed I would get prior to marriage. When I bought a ring to propose she was 2 semesters away from completing her associates in Early Childhood Ed. I had thought that she would complete her degree and get a job doing what she's passionate about while providing extra income while I completed graduate school. She failed most of her classes and is now working part 20-25 hours a week at minimum wage.
Things are very difficult financially right now. I had saved up $30,000 prior to getting married and going to gradschool. I spent about $4,000 on the ring, and $12,000 on the wedding. I paid for the entire wedding with no help because I absolutely love my wife and her family is in her words "very poor." I paid off her student loans and put the rest away in investments and a retirement fund, which I was excited to start at just 24.
Currently I work a graduate school job to pay for my tuition along with a second which is used for bills. This is on top of being a full time student taking 5-6 courses (3 is considered average) a semester.
I wish my wife would work 40 hours a week since she is not in school, but that is usually not possible with her current employer and she will not get a second job. She has talked about getting a different job, but she is very picky. She will not be a waiter because she says she would cry every night. She will only work fast food as a last resort. We are currently on food stamps, so I think this qualifies as a last resort, but we disagree on this. Her ideal non preschool teacher job would be to work as a barista again.
This is not just about money, and it's not to say my wife is lazy. She is the hardest worker at her current employer and she always gives her best, but she gets anxiety about almost everything work related and recently asked if she could take a full week off to recoup. I said that I'd love for her to be able to take a rest, but we are currently on food stamps and I had to sell my guitar just to stay current on last month's bills. I have already cashed in my retirement funds. The good news is that we are not in serious "adult" type debt, but I have been pulling some extreme measures just to keep us afloat.
The whole anxiety and work issues are apart of a bigger issue which I see as one of independence. I had hoped to marry someone who would have a passion and a life outside our marriage and who wouldn't lean on me for everything - it drains me. I thought that is what she had in early childhood ed (which she's very good at) and she had good friends and family back home. We have been living here 8 months and she still has no friends and has said that she doesn't really want friends because she hates this town and everyone is different (small town south vs big city north) and she just wants to spend time with me. Since grad classes do not meet very often and since I work on campus I am around her all the time despite being constantly busy.
I love being around my wife, but I often feel suffocated and it hurts so much to see her unable to pursue her passion (preschool kids) and to see her unhappy all the time; and it hurts to not get enough financial support or not to get domestic support which I'll skip over for now. I feel like the adult in this relationship, and I love my wife very much but I'm reaching the breaking point. What would you do?
My wife and I got married this past spring after dating long distance for about 2 years. We moved to a small town, states away from either of our families, where I was going to graduate school. Shortly after being married I realized there were several serious differences between us that caused trouble and have left me feeling unfulfilled.
I do not get the amount of financial or domestic support from my wife that I believed I would get prior to marriage. When I bought a ring to propose she was 2 semesters away from completing her associates in Early Childhood Ed. I had thought that she would complete her degree and get a job doing what she's passionate about while providing extra income while I completed graduate school. She failed most of her classes and is now working part 20-25 hours a week at minimum wage.
Things are very difficult financially right now. I had saved up $30,000 prior to getting married and going to gradschool. I spent about $4,000 on the ring, and $12,000 on the wedding. I paid for the entire wedding with no help because I absolutely love my wife and her family is in her words "very poor." I paid off her student loans and put the rest away in investments and a retirement fund, which I was excited to start at just 24.
Currently I work a graduate school job to pay for my tuition along with a second which is used for bills. This is on top of being a full time student taking 5-6 courses (3 is considered average) a semester.
I wish my wife would work 40 hours a week since she is not in school, but that is usually not possible with her current employer and she will not get a second job. She has talked about getting a different job, but she is very picky. She will not be a waiter because she says she would cry every night. She will only work fast food as a last resort. We are currently on food stamps, so I think this qualifies as a last resort, but we disagree on this. Her ideal non preschool teacher job would be to work as a barista again.
This is not just about money, and it's not to say my wife is lazy. She is the hardest worker at her current employer and she always gives her best, but she gets anxiety about almost everything work related and recently asked if she could take a full week off to recoup. I said that I'd love for her to be able to take a rest, but we are currently on food stamps and I had to sell my guitar just to stay current on last month's bills. I have already cashed in my retirement funds. The good news is that we are not in serious "adult" type debt, but I have been pulling some extreme measures just to keep us afloat.
The whole anxiety and work issues are apart of a bigger issue which I see as one of independence. I had hoped to marry someone who would have a passion and a life outside our marriage and who wouldn't lean on me for everything - it drains me. I thought that is what she had in early childhood ed (which she's very good at) and she had good friends and family back home. We have been living here 8 months and she still has no friends and has said that she doesn't really want friends because she hates this town and everyone is different (small town south vs big city north) and she just wants to spend time with me. Since grad classes do not meet very often and since I work on campus I am around her all the time despite being constantly busy.
I love being around my wife, but I often feel suffocated and it hurts so much to see her unable to pursue her passion (preschool kids) and to see her unhappy all the time; and it hurts to not get enough financial support or not to get domestic support which I'll skip over for now. I feel like the adult in this relationship, and I love my wife very much but I'm reaching the breaking point. What would you do?
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