I have been "sitting on my fingers" for awhile, resisting the urge to type this post because I know I will probably ignite a firestorm. But for those of you in a sexless, loveless, no-chemistry marriage with a LD partner, PLEASE don't wait 20 years to get out like I did. There's a whole life of happiness, whether single or with a new partner, waiting for you.
Before anyone jumps in to attack me -- I know, I know, "You took a vow"; "Marriage is a commitment"'; "Love is a choice"; "Sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage"; blah blah blah, let me begin by saying that I hung in there for 20 years, raised two children, tried, tried, tried (God knows I tried) but finally left when I realized there was no real "marriage"; I was just legally joined to my husband by the state in a legal union. No chemistry, no passion, no real intimacy, no sacred union = NO MARRIAGE.
While dating, things were pretty normal. We were both young professionals with a busy life. I really loved him and thought our relationship would work. Okay, so he wasn't the BEST lover I had ever had, but we connected, sex was good, and I thought we would build from there.
The last few months of our engagement, sex was almost nonexistent. That should have been my first HUGE red flag, but he told me he was stressed from work (he's a doctor), planning the wedding, family commitments, etc. I initiated a forthright conversation about how I didn't think the frequency of our sex was "normal" especially for a young in-love couple. He assured me that it would all be fine after the stress of the wedding let up.
Fast forward to our wedding. Beautiful ceremony, storybook wedding, hopes were high for a beautiful life together. But literally, this man changed over night. From the day we were married, his whole demeanor changed -- I went from his sexy "f***-me girlfriend" to him placing me on-a-pedestal and becoming a replacement for his mother. In other words, in his mind he transformed me into some sick cross between Mother Teresa (who couldn't be touched) and his OWN mother (who also couldn't be touched!!!)
Sex frequency plummeted to next to nothing (less than once a month.) Foolishly, I kept my mouth shut to anyone that might have knocked some sense into me out of embarrassment and fear. I would listen to my other newly married friends talk about how their husbands couldn't keep their hands off of them and just nod and pretend. During both pregnancies we never had sex, NOT A SINGLE TIME, he didn't want to "hurt the baby." During our 20 year marriage he performed oral sex on me ONE TIME -- he just didn't think it was a "big deal". This had nothing to do with my own hygiene, scent, etc. This was his own hangup. He later admitted that he never liked performing oral sex on women -- it was just "not his thing." Throughout our marriage we went for periods of a year or more with absolutely no sex. I felt duped.
It is not my fault that he has low to zero sex drive. Not to mention that once we were married intercourse lasted only a few SECONDS due to him ejaculating almost the moment he entered me. No joke, two to three thrusts, then it was over. No manual stimulation for me, no oral stimulation for me, just a quickie that would put everyone else's quickies to shame. No desire on his part to change this. We went to marriage counseling, individual counseling, every kind of counseling more times than you can count. He had his testosterone levels checked which turned out to be very low, but even after hormone replacement and normal T-levels, nothing changed. I came to the realization through counseling that he had some pretty serious sexual hangups stemming back to his childhood and control issues with his mother.
I married a little boy who was looking for a mother replacement. He had no interest in me as a woman, wife, partner or lover. He just wanted someone to take care of him, his house, and his children. He provided tons of money and I was just supposed to be content with that.
In my nineteenth year of marriage, I met the man who I am now involved with (going on 4 years now). Am I proud that I fell in love with someone else before getting divorced? No, not at all. But I found my soul mate, my partner, my "brass-ring" and I jumped at it. I won't lie, the divorce was hard on everyone, myself, my husband, and especially my kids, but I have never regretted it, not for a moment. I did get a nice settlement, but I gave up tons of money and a lavish lifestyle to be with a man who truly loves me for WHO I AM, loves me unconditionally, pleases me beyond delirium in bed, makes love to me many many times each week, f***s my brains out (when I want him to!) communicates with me, makes my spine tingle every time I see him, rarely argues, cuddles with me, holds my hand, and is MY TRUE PARTNER IN LIFE. In every way, he is my partner. The chemistry is beyond belief. All I have to do is look at him (even 4 years later) and I still get excited.
I just want to offer hope to those who may be in the same situation and afraid to leave because they took a vow. In my opinion my husband's lack of wanting an intimate relationship with his wife was a complete betrayal of those vows, and I had no intention of offering another 20 years of my life to a man who wanted nothing more than a roommate. I feel no guilt and offer no apologies to anyone except my kids (who, by the way, love my new SO and love spending time with us).
Before anyone jumps in to attack me -- I know, I know, "You took a vow"; "Marriage is a commitment"'; "Love is a choice"; "Sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage"; blah blah blah, let me begin by saying that I hung in there for 20 years, raised two children, tried, tried, tried (God knows I tried) but finally left when I realized there was no real "marriage"; I was just legally joined to my husband by the state in a legal union. No chemistry, no passion, no real intimacy, no sacred union = NO MARRIAGE.
While dating, things were pretty normal. We were both young professionals with a busy life. I really loved him and thought our relationship would work. Okay, so he wasn't the BEST lover I had ever had, but we connected, sex was good, and I thought we would build from there.
The last few months of our engagement, sex was almost nonexistent. That should have been my first HUGE red flag, but he told me he was stressed from work (he's a doctor), planning the wedding, family commitments, etc. I initiated a forthright conversation about how I didn't think the frequency of our sex was "normal" especially for a young in-love couple. He assured me that it would all be fine after the stress of the wedding let up.
Fast forward to our wedding. Beautiful ceremony, storybook wedding, hopes were high for a beautiful life together. But literally, this man changed over night. From the day we were married, his whole demeanor changed -- I went from his sexy "f***-me girlfriend" to him placing me on-a-pedestal and becoming a replacement for his mother. In other words, in his mind he transformed me into some sick cross between Mother Teresa (who couldn't be touched) and his OWN mother (who also couldn't be touched!!!)
Sex frequency plummeted to next to nothing (less than once a month.) Foolishly, I kept my mouth shut to anyone that might have knocked some sense into me out of embarrassment and fear. I would listen to my other newly married friends talk about how their husbands couldn't keep their hands off of them and just nod and pretend. During both pregnancies we never had sex, NOT A SINGLE TIME, he didn't want to "hurt the baby." During our 20 year marriage he performed oral sex on me ONE TIME -- he just didn't think it was a "big deal". This had nothing to do with my own hygiene, scent, etc. This was his own hangup. He later admitted that he never liked performing oral sex on women -- it was just "not his thing." Throughout our marriage we went for periods of a year or more with absolutely no sex. I felt duped.
It is not my fault that he has low to zero sex drive. Not to mention that once we were married intercourse lasted only a few SECONDS due to him ejaculating almost the moment he entered me. No joke, two to three thrusts, then it was over. No manual stimulation for me, no oral stimulation for me, just a quickie that would put everyone else's quickies to shame. No desire on his part to change this. We went to marriage counseling, individual counseling, every kind of counseling more times than you can count. He had his testosterone levels checked which turned out to be very low, but even after hormone replacement and normal T-levels, nothing changed. I came to the realization through counseling that he had some pretty serious sexual hangups stemming back to his childhood and control issues with his mother.
I married a little boy who was looking for a mother replacement. He had no interest in me as a woman, wife, partner or lover. He just wanted someone to take care of him, his house, and his children. He provided tons of money and I was just supposed to be content with that.
In my nineteenth year of marriage, I met the man who I am now involved with (going on 4 years now). Am I proud that I fell in love with someone else before getting divorced? No, not at all. But I found my soul mate, my partner, my "brass-ring" and I jumped at it. I won't lie, the divorce was hard on everyone, myself, my husband, and especially my kids, but I have never regretted it, not for a moment. I did get a nice settlement, but I gave up tons of money and a lavish lifestyle to be with a man who truly loves me for WHO I AM, loves me unconditionally, pleases me beyond delirium in bed, makes love to me many many times each week, f***s my brains out (when I want him to!) communicates with me, makes my spine tingle every time I see him, rarely argues, cuddles with me, holds my hand, and is MY TRUE PARTNER IN LIFE. In every way, he is my partner. The chemistry is beyond belief. All I have to do is look at him (even 4 years later) and I still get excited.
I just want to offer hope to those who may be in the same situation and afraid to leave because they took a vow. In my opinion my husband's lack of wanting an intimate relationship with his wife was a complete betrayal of those vows, and I had no intention of offering another 20 years of my life to a man who wanted nothing more than a roommate. I feel no guilt and offer no apologies to anyone except my kids (who, by the way, love my new SO and love spending time with us).
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