Hello everyone,
I've been a long time lurker and have been reading your stories for almost a year and a half now. To get the introduction out of the way I am IPoH's husband. Can read her story titled "I'm a Villain."
I never really thought I would be here to post my own story but I suppose I've read that time and time again. I actually had not intended to make a post at all but have been watching her thread a little incessantly.
I don't know that I am ready to post everything from my point of view quite yet, IPoH's post is very close to how I perceive things but she left a few points out that I guess are sticking points for me. And a few things that maybe I'd just like to get out there if it helps seeing it from another point of view.
I'll start from what I consider the beginning. "I want a divorce." The words came out of her mouth like a knife. I had no idea, no clue because if I'm honest, I had been emotionally checked out for a long time. Of coarse I never saw the warning signs I was too busy playing video games to care. I've also never been one to be emotional, I'm like a wall I guess. Well if I had thought the emotional wall was strong, hearing those words destroyed it. I cried like a baby, begged pleaded asked for another chance to prove I could be the man she needed. The look on her face? Surprise. Hard to describe. I won't go into all the details because right now they aren't important but I will say I don't remember doing anything other than talking during those couple weeks and then beginning to mend. One of the points was that she kept saying she wasn't willing to give us another chance because she felt we were done and I had checked out. Something didn't add up for me and I questioned whether there was someone else. I couldn't fathom what she had to lose by giving me 1 more chance to be open with her and show her I cared. There had to be something else blocking my path, and I asked her point blank a couple times if there was someone else to which she vehemently denied time and time again. After a time things begin to mend and we go back to having what I would consider an okay/good marriage. Not great, but your average everyday marriage.
Fast forward 4 years or so. Discovering TAM. I don't remember now how I came across the website but I couldn't stop reading. Seeing so many failed relationships, so much pain, so much hurt, and then noticing the pattern. It's there in every single thread. Time and time again the signs, are all the same. Then I looked at my own marriage with genuine fear. Could this happen to us? We'd both become complacent again, both took each other for granted. What could we do RIGHT NOW to prevent this tragedy.
Had our first REAL discussion in our relationship. I say that because we had always been really good about telling each other how we felt and trying to prove the other wrong. Not so great at listening. Things began to change, we ordered books, 5 love languages, his needs her needs, love busters. Began being open with each other in ways I've never imagined. Our level of intimacy went through the roof. In essence we built the marriage that we should have had all along, that everyone should get to experience in their life. We talked more, laughed more, touched more. We even tried the 7 day sex challenge (look it up) we failed but found that within a month we succeeded in it without trying, and from that point on we have (with 2 kids mind you) been intimate with each other on average 1/day ever since. Through all this though I began to have some nagging doubts about the time period where she asked for a divorce, and also through reading scenarios about too much time spent with OSF began to wonder if anything had ever happened with her and my friend. We all had been exceptionally close…
I say all this so that you can see some of the positives, and maybe to understand what it is I'm fighting to keep…
Events leading to Dday: I had begun periodically questioning her about the time she wanted to divorce. Every time she would deny. One night a few weeks back we had been drinking and when I was questioning her I started to get angry and yell/accuse her of hiding something from me. She still denied. The next day I apologized for yelling at her and promised it wouldn't happen again, however I added the stipulation that it was something I could not let go of. That intellectually and emotionally I knew there was more to the story. I didn't know what it was but there was SOMETHING about that time period she was hiding from me. So while I was sorry for yelling at her and she didn't deserve that, I said that I would never be able to fully believe there wasn't more to the story.
Dday: We had a good night, and I was regaling her with stupid stories from my high school days, specifically about why I ditched most my friends from those days because the burned the bridge of trust with me. How the only one I still talked to was xfriend/bestman. Then went on and on about how he and I had discussed how important honesty was to me and how too many had taken that trust away. Looking back I must have just been grating on that guilt nerve. Then out of no where the question came out of my mouth. I had never questioned it out loud before and never believed she would answer yes. "Were you ever even a little intimate with xfriend" and she let out a sob that changed my life.
Yes she said, questions assailed me, came flying out of my mouth, when where how many times why, why why why why. I'm sure you all can imagine or have been their yourselves. As I sat letting it sink all in there was a period of silence. If I had thought my world had taken a hit, is fell out from under me as she continued to sob and said "Wait, There's more… you were right."
I won't go into why I hate hearing those words specifically but I for sure didn't want to hear them now. During the time of her wanting a divorce she had a 2 month affair. First EA then went physical for about a month ending with her telling me she wanted a divorce. The look of surprise on her face? Because she had actually convinced herself I didn't care if she was around or not. Now at that point she says she began to realize how she had screwed up….
I will say because we had done all this work and saw all this on TAM she denied me no questions was brutally honest as far as I can tell. At least I had no warning bells going off in my head.
Now for some of the hard stuff / confusing stuff. I feel torn, I love her, hate her, console her and hurt her (not physically) She is beyond remorseful in her actions (her words mean little) I know I want us to work, but I also want revenge, but know that it won't help. I'm angry that she shared firsts with others.
I go from yelling at her, to apologizing. She doesn't like it when I apologize says she deserves it and she's right. But at the same time I love her and don't like hurting her.
I'll stop for now but will say, I know I want to save us. Not who we were or who she was. If we had not have built such a wonderful marriage in the last year and a half or so. I'd be gone. That's why I initially described what we had as okay but not great. If that were still the case I'd be gone. Consequences be damned. But what we built and had was beautiful. It literally was what everyone works towards.
I will also ask, please be honest I treasure that more than anything, but there is no call to attack me or my wife and I will not respond and will just report it. She betrayed me not you and we are here looking for help.
I've been a long time lurker and have been reading your stories for almost a year and a half now. To get the introduction out of the way I am IPoH's husband. Can read her story titled "I'm a Villain."
I never really thought I would be here to post my own story but I suppose I've read that time and time again. I actually had not intended to make a post at all but have been watching her thread a little incessantly.
I don't know that I am ready to post everything from my point of view quite yet, IPoH's post is very close to how I perceive things but she left a few points out that I guess are sticking points for me. And a few things that maybe I'd just like to get out there if it helps seeing it from another point of view.
I'll start from what I consider the beginning. "I want a divorce." The words came out of her mouth like a knife. I had no idea, no clue because if I'm honest, I had been emotionally checked out for a long time. Of coarse I never saw the warning signs I was too busy playing video games to care. I've also never been one to be emotional, I'm like a wall I guess. Well if I had thought the emotional wall was strong, hearing those words destroyed it. I cried like a baby, begged pleaded asked for another chance to prove I could be the man she needed. The look on her face? Surprise. Hard to describe. I won't go into all the details because right now they aren't important but I will say I don't remember doing anything other than talking during those couple weeks and then beginning to mend. One of the points was that she kept saying she wasn't willing to give us another chance because she felt we were done and I had checked out. Something didn't add up for me and I questioned whether there was someone else. I couldn't fathom what she had to lose by giving me 1 more chance to be open with her and show her I cared. There had to be something else blocking my path, and I asked her point blank a couple times if there was someone else to which she vehemently denied time and time again. After a time things begin to mend and we go back to having what I would consider an okay/good marriage. Not great, but your average everyday marriage.
Fast forward 4 years or so. Discovering TAM. I don't remember now how I came across the website but I couldn't stop reading. Seeing so many failed relationships, so much pain, so much hurt, and then noticing the pattern. It's there in every single thread. Time and time again the signs, are all the same. Then I looked at my own marriage with genuine fear. Could this happen to us? We'd both become complacent again, both took each other for granted. What could we do RIGHT NOW to prevent this tragedy.
Had our first REAL discussion in our relationship. I say that because we had always been really good about telling each other how we felt and trying to prove the other wrong. Not so great at listening. Things began to change, we ordered books, 5 love languages, his needs her needs, love busters. Began being open with each other in ways I've never imagined. Our level of intimacy went through the roof. In essence we built the marriage that we should have had all along, that everyone should get to experience in their life. We talked more, laughed more, touched more. We even tried the 7 day sex challenge (look it up) we failed but found that within a month we succeeded in it without trying, and from that point on we have (with 2 kids mind you) been intimate with each other on average 1/day ever since. Through all this though I began to have some nagging doubts about the time period where she asked for a divorce, and also through reading scenarios about too much time spent with OSF began to wonder if anything had ever happened with her and my friend. We all had been exceptionally close…
I say all this so that you can see some of the positives, and maybe to understand what it is I'm fighting to keep…
Events leading to Dday: I had begun periodically questioning her about the time she wanted to divorce. Every time she would deny. One night a few weeks back we had been drinking and when I was questioning her I started to get angry and yell/accuse her of hiding something from me. She still denied. The next day I apologized for yelling at her and promised it wouldn't happen again, however I added the stipulation that it was something I could not let go of. That intellectually and emotionally I knew there was more to the story. I didn't know what it was but there was SOMETHING about that time period she was hiding from me. So while I was sorry for yelling at her and she didn't deserve that, I said that I would never be able to fully believe there wasn't more to the story.
Dday: We had a good night, and I was regaling her with stupid stories from my high school days, specifically about why I ditched most my friends from those days because the burned the bridge of trust with me. How the only one I still talked to was xfriend/bestman. Then went on and on about how he and I had discussed how important honesty was to me and how too many had taken that trust away. Looking back I must have just been grating on that guilt nerve. Then out of no where the question came out of my mouth. I had never questioned it out loud before and never believed she would answer yes. "Were you ever even a little intimate with xfriend" and she let out a sob that changed my life.
Yes she said, questions assailed me, came flying out of my mouth, when where how many times why, why why why why. I'm sure you all can imagine or have been their yourselves. As I sat letting it sink all in there was a period of silence. If I had thought my world had taken a hit, is fell out from under me as she continued to sob and said "Wait, There's more… you were right."
I won't go into why I hate hearing those words specifically but I for sure didn't want to hear them now. During the time of her wanting a divorce she had a 2 month affair. First EA then went physical for about a month ending with her telling me she wanted a divorce. The look of surprise on her face? Because she had actually convinced herself I didn't care if she was around or not. Now at that point she says she began to realize how she had screwed up….
I will say because we had done all this work and saw all this on TAM she denied me no questions was brutally honest as far as I can tell. At least I had no warning bells going off in my head.
Now for some of the hard stuff / confusing stuff. I feel torn, I love her, hate her, console her and hurt her (not physically) She is beyond remorseful in her actions (her words mean little) I know I want us to work, but I also want revenge, but know that it won't help. I'm angry that she shared firsts with others.
I go from yelling at her, to apologizing. She doesn't like it when I apologize says she deserves it and she's right. But at the same time I love her and don't like hurting her.
I'll stop for now but will say, I know I want to save us. Not who we were or who she was. If we had not have built such a wonderful marriage in the last year and a half or so. I'd be gone. That's why I initially described what we had as okay but not great. If that were still the case I'd be gone. Consequences be damned. But what we built and had was beautiful. It literally was what everyone works towards.
I will also ask, please be honest I treasure that more than anything, but there is no call to attack me or my wife and I will not respond and will just report it. She betrayed me not you and we are here looking for help.
Put the internet to work for you.
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