I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, and I never thought I would ever do this to him. We would talk for hours every day, and we used to tell each other every detail of what we did. Before I cheated, we were those people in public giving each other doe eyes and making everyone uncomfortable with our great relationship. Before I cheated, I always thought cheating was what total sluts do, and I thought I wasn't a total slut. I even avoided getting into situations where I think there was a chance I might feel tempted to maybe cheat. But, I ****ed up.
I went to a party with a university group over the weekend. I thought it was just going to be a regular camping trip. There was one guy there that had expressed an interest in me before then, and I vehemently told him no and I built up enough of a disgust response to the idea of touching him that I felt safe. I knew everyone else there pretty well (or so I thought), and I felt safe getting wasted and high around them. It was fine at first; all I did was talk around a campfire and relax. Then, this guy that didn't talk much before started talking to me and following me when I alternated between the cabin and the campfire. Let's just call him John. I would announce to the group that I was going, and he'd say "I was going to go anyway as well." We started talking about all this stuff we had in common, such as our majors, our experiences with depression, internet chat rooms we realized we had frequented around the same time, and that sort of stuff. I thought he was kind of cute, but I didn't plan to do anything. A couch cleared off, and I was tired of sitting on the uncomfortable floor, so I sat there. And, of course, John sat next to me. I felt kind of sleepy from being so wasted, so I rested my head on his shoulder. I thought it was more of a friendly gesture than anything. But, he viewed it the way most people would, as an invitation.
He kissed me, and in a somewhat surprised and drunken state, I kissed him back. I felt all giddy like some little kid who was just given a candy bar, and, when he kissed me again, I kissed him back. Then, I realized, "Wait, wtf am I doing???" I felt really horny at this point, but I told him, "I have a boyfriend, I really shouldn't be doing this." So, he said, "Then, I guess we shouldn't do anything else, huh?" in a sort of teasing way. I said once again that we shouldn't, but I didn't move away from him or anything. We kept sitting there with my head resting on his shoulder, and we kissed again. I said we shouldn't do that, but I still kissed him back. He offered me more to drink, and I drank it.
Eventually, we were kicked off the couch and we went outside. I said I should probably go to sleep, and he said, "Okay." We stood outside the tent, and he kissed me again. I felt so fuzzy headed and horny I just kept kissing him. When he started to grope me, I groped him back. It just got worse from there when he said he was going to go to bed too. (We already planned on sharing a multi-room tent, so we were basically in the same tent.) We got in there, and I said I really shouldn't, I have a boyfriend. We made an agreement to not have intercourse because that would be worse. He had wine with him, and he offered more for me to drink. Being a total ****ing idiot, I drank more of it. I won't go into detail, but we ended up having oral sex and cuddling (which is what I feel the worst about.) As I sort-of sobered up, I kept doing things because I felt like I was justified by minor relationship issues I had at the time with my boyfriend.
When I woke up the next morning, everything felt so unreal. I felt like what happened the night before didn't happen. I mean, how could it happen? I didn't plan for that to happen and I'm not the kind of girl that does that, right? I saw John next to me and he was smiling. To make things even more confusing, I felt like smiling back. I didn't even ****ing know him really, and I did that. I eventually got my **** together, and asked him if there was any chance he had an STD. He said that he had sex with one other person, and that he didn't know them very well. He had used protection, but he wasn't certain about his STI status. He said that he'd be willing to get tested, and I said I'd need to consider it. I then just ended up ranting about how I never thought I would do that and how I'm a total slut now. John, of course, disagreed, but I kept insisting I was a totally horrible person. He said not to use labels on myself, and I was just like, "Pffft, whatever." He had to leave fairly early, so I got his number and planned to meet up with him to talk about what happened.
As soon as he left, I called my boyfriend. I woke him up, and I asked him if he wanted to talk right now. He said, "Of course. Is something wrong?" I asked him, "Are you ready for bad news? Like, really bad news?" He said, "Uh...sure. What is it?" So, I told him, "I got really drunk and high last night, like you advised me not to, and I ended up sleeping with somebody. We didn't have intercourse, but we did go pretty far. I don't know what else I can say other than I'm sorry." He was silent for a while, and I said, "If you're mad at me, please just let it out at me. I deserve it." He responded, "I am angry, but I'm not going to be mean to you. I don't think it would do any good." That broke my heart even more than him calling me foul names. I said, "Okay." We stayed on the phone a bit longer, neither of us talking, and he asked, "Um, is there anything else I should know?" I said, "Um, I ended up having oral sex, so I need to get an STI test. And, the other guy said that he'd be willing to get one. Do you want him to?" My boyfriend said yes, and then we were silent again. I then asked him, "How do you feel?" He said, "I don't know; I think it's really weird. I feel sick to my stomach." I said, "Um, I think that would be fairly normal." We set a time to talk to each other later, and we said goodbye to each other.
I felt so confused the rest of the day. Part of me had all those gooey feelings someone would have towards a crush towards John, and another part of me felt like utter and complete **** for doing that to my boyfriend. I felt so confused about whether or not I wanted to stay in a relationship with my boyfriend. I had no idea what to do. I ended up talking to the person who drove me home about how guilty and uncertain I felt. By the end, I still didn't know what to do.
When I got back, I spoke to my boyfriend over Skype. He didn't want to be in the same room as me. He felt too disgusted. He told me a long list of the emotions he felt over the course of the day, which was basically that he felt like complete ****, even more so than I expected. He also asked more questions about what happened, such as who started it, why I kept doing it, and who else I spoke to about it and what they said. He very obviously looked like he wanted to be really pissed at me, so I said that he could. But, once again, he said that he wouldn't say mean things to me. I felt like such ****, I felt like a deserved to die and burn in Hell for what happened. I thought, "Well, ****, it doesn't matter if I kill myself. I'm already going to burn (if Hell even exists)." So, while I was in a video call, I started taking sleeping pills out of cases and putting them in a cup. I kept talking to my boyfriend while I did this, and I said, "I need to go now." He asked what I was doing before, and I said that didn't matter. I started to hang up, but then he got really panic-y. He said that he had to know what was going on. I said that I deserved to die, and that's what I was going to do. He then got really concerned about me, and said that he didn't even feel angry at that moment. He said that he loved me, and he would never want me to hurt myself like that. I felt even ****tier. I wanted to go and end it, but then I didn't want to hurt him more. I just stayed in the video call for 4 hours more, and cried every time he tried to do something nice for me. I texted John and told him I didn't want to talk to him as a friend, but I said I want him to get tested for STD's. He sent me an asshurt text back, and then I went to bed.
I know that my boyfriend is disgusted by the idea of touching me in a sexual or intimate way. He also is feeling severely depressed (he won't eat anything), and he won't talk to any of his friends because they know me and he'd feel embarrassed about it. He also won't go to a therapist or anything like that because of money. I feel like such a bitch for doing this to him, and I have no idea of what to do to make him feel better. I feel like ****, but I want to know if there's anything I could do or say beyond what I've done to help him? I truly ****ed up, and I don't want my boyfriend to suffer for my mistake. Help?
I went to a party with a university group over the weekend. I thought it was just going to be a regular camping trip. There was one guy there that had expressed an interest in me before then, and I vehemently told him no and I built up enough of a disgust response to the idea of touching him that I felt safe. I knew everyone else there pretty well (or so I thought), and I felt safe getting wasted and high around them. It was fine at first; all I did was talk around a campfire and relax. Then, this guy that didn't talk much before started talking to me and following me when I alternated between the cabin and the campfire. Let's just call him John. I would announce to the group that I was going, and he'd say "I was going to go anyway as well." We started talking about all this stuff we had in common, such as our majors, our experiences with depression, internet chat rooms we realized we had frequented around the same time, and that sort of stuff. I thought he was kind of cute, but I didn't plan to do anything. A couch cleared off, and I was tired of sitting on the uncomfortable floor, so I sat there. And, of course, John sat next to me. I felt kind of sleepy from being so wasted, so I rested my head on his shoulder. I thought it was more of a friendly gesture than anything. But, he viewed it the way most people would, as an invitation.
He kissed me, and in a somewhat surprised and drunken state, I kissed him back. I felt all giddy like some little kid who was just given a candy bar, and, when he kissed me again, I kissed him back. Then, I realized, "Wait, wtf am I doing???" I felt really horny at this point, but I told him, "I have a boyfriend, I really shouldn't be doing this." So, he said, "Then, I guess we shouldn't do anything else, huh?" in a sort of teasing way. I said once again that we shouldn't, but I didn't move away from him or anything. We kept sitting there with my head resting on his shoulder, and we kissed again. I said we shouldn't do that, but I still kissed him back. He offered me more to drink, and I drank it.
Eventually, we were kicked off the couch and we went outside. I said I should probably go to sleep, and he said, "Okay." We stood outside the tent, and he kissed me again. I felt so fuzzy headed and horny I just kept kissing him. When he started to grope me, I groped him back. It just got worse from there when he said he was going to go to bed too. (We already planned on sharing a multi-room tent, so we were basically in the same tent.) We got in there, and I said I really shouldn't, I have a boyfriend. We made an agreement to not have intercourse because that would be worse. He had wine with him, and he offered more for me to drink. Being a total ****ing idiot, I drank more of it. I won't go into detail, but we ended up having oral sex and cuddling (which is what I feel the worst about.) As I sort-of sobered up, I kept doing things because I felt like I was justified by minor relationship issues I had at the time with my boyfriend.
When I woke up the next morning, everything felt so unreal. I felt like what happened the night before didn't happen. I mean, how could it happen? I didn't plan for that to happen and I'm not the kind of girl that does that, right? I saw John next to me and he was smiling. To make things even more confusing, I felt like smiling back. I didn't even ****ing know him really, and I did that. I eventually got my **** together, and asked him if there was any chance he had an STD. He said that he had sex with one other person, and that he didn't know them very well. He had used protection, but he wasn't certain about his STI status. He said that he'd be willing to get tested, and I said I'd need to consider it. I then just ended up ranting about how I never thought I would do that and how I'm a total slut now. John, of course, disagreed, but I kept insisting I was a totally horrible person. He said not to use labels on myself, and I was just like, "Pffft, whatever." He had to leave fairly early, so I got his number and planned to meet up with him to talk about what happened.
As soon as he left, I called my boyfriend. I woke him up, and I asked him if he wanted to talk right now. He said, "Of course. Is something wrong?" I asked him, "Are you ready for bad news? Like, really bad news?" He said, "Uh...sure. What is it?" So, I told him, "I got really drunk and high last night, like you advised me not to, and I ended up sleeping with somebody. We didn't have intercourse, but we did go pretty far. I don't know what else I can say other than I'm sorry." He was silent for a while, and I said, "If you're mad at me, please just let it out at me. I deserve it." He responded, "I am angry, but I'm not going to be mean to you. I don't think it would do any good." That broke my heart even more than him calling me foul names. I said, "Okay." We stayed on the phone a bit longer, neither of us talking, and he asked, "Um, is there anything else I should know?" I said, "Um, I ended up having oral sex, so I need to get an STI test. And, the other guy said that he'd be willing to get one. Do you want him to?" My boyfriend said yes, and then we were silent again. I then asked him, "How do you feel?" He said, "I don't know; I think it's really weird. I feel sick to my stomach." I said, "Um, I think that would be fairly normal." We set a time to talk to each other later, and we said goodbye to each other.
I felt so confused the rest of the day. Part of me had all those gooey feelings someone would have towards a crush towards John, and another part of me felt like utter and complete **** for doing that to my boyfriend. I felt so confused about whether or not I wanted to stay in a relationship with my boyfriend. I had no idea what to do. I ended up talking to the person who drove me home about how guilty and uncertain I felt. By the end, I still didn't know what to do.
When I got back, I spoke to my boyfriend over Skype. He didn't want to be in the same room as me. He felt too disgusted. He told me a long list of the emotions he felt over the course of the day, which was basically that he felt like complete ****, even more so than I expected. He also asked more questions about what happened, such as who started it, why I kept doing it, and who else I spoke to about it and what they said. He very obviously looked like he wanted to be really pissed at me, so I said that he could. But, once again, he said that he wouldn't say mean things to me. I felt like such ****, I felt like a deserved to die and burn in Hell for what happened. I thought, "Well, ****, it doesn't matter if I kill myself. I'm already going to burn (if Hell even exists)." So, while I was in a video call, I started taking sleeping pills out of cases and putting them in a cup. I kept talking to my boyfriend while I did this, and I said, "I need to go now." He asked what I was doing before, and I said that didn't matter. I started to hang up, but then he got really panic-y. He said that he had to know what was going on. I said that I deserved to die, and that's what I was going to do. He then got really concerned about me, and said that he didn't even feel angry at that moment. He said that he loved me, and he would never want me to hurt myself like that. I felt even ****tier. I wanted to go and end it, but then I didn't want to hurt him more. I just stayed in the video call for 4 hours more, and cried every time he tried to do something nice for me. I texted John and told him I didn't want to talk to him as a friend, but I said I want him to get tested for STD's. He sent me an asshurt text back, and then I went to bed.
I know that my boyfriend is disgusted by the idea of touching me in a sexual or intimate way. He also is feeling severely depressed (he won't eat anything), and he won't talk to any of his friends because they know me and he'd feel embarrassed about it. He also won't go to a therapist or anything like that because of money. I feel like such a bitch for doing this to him, and I have no idea of what to do to make him feel better. I feel like ****, but I want to know if there's anything I could do or say beyond what I've done to help him? I truly ****ed up, and I don't want my boyfriend to suffer for my mistake. Help?
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