Painful Memories

I don't often miss her, but once in a while I encounter some ancient memory, and it hurts like you wouldn't believe. It is often the good memories, not the bad, that hurt the most. I don't know if anyone in this forum really knows about me, but if you know me you know my stance, that I am extremely pro-divorce. I am glad my ex is gone. But sometimes when I am caught unexpected by these feelings I feel the same discrepancy as that of a small cabin and a meteor. Does she ever even miss me? She told me in her letter that she would always have a place for me in her heart. The notion wrecks me. It would not do me well to lie to myself about the facts- the reality is (despite what she said when she left) that the vast majority of our time together was wonderful. She was happy with me. I made her laugh. Sometimes she was so happy she would just start crying in my arms. In 2008 a video game called Fallout 3 was released, and she would watch me play it every night. We loved the music and would sing it together. Today one of those songs came on the radio, and it just ****ing wrecked me. She was more than my lover, more than my wife. She was my best friend, and the person whom I trusted above all others. I understand now the magnitude of divorce, and what you have to become to survive and cope with it. It is not a healing, it is a severing and cauterization. It is mercy killing. I'm not saying that it's not good. I'm not saying it isn't for the best, because I know at least for me, it was. But sometimes I can feel my heart lurching forward for someone who is no longer there and, in many important ways, no longer exists.

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