Hardening/Dealing with threats

My wife and I have been discussing "that night" recently (when she used the D word and I put it into overdrive as a reflex response), she is rather traumatised to be honest. Traumatised enough that she was starting to believe that I truly didn't love her and even when I affirmed her she could not accept it for a while when I thought she would be happy. Even today she's still in a shock. I've been talking to my counsellor about this as well and this mechanic of mine is from my past. My family also ingrained upon me at a very young age never to bend knee but when I was 12 with the dramas with my mum kicking me out the lessons were branded on me when I began living independently on the streets. I'm not dealing with this issue with my wife as it's something she can't help with just like I can't help her with her issues which she's resolving herself for us. I have assured her that I'm taking this issue seriously and that I do not wish to hurt her again like I did "that night". I need to find alternative means to cope with threats. I hardened up and had my emotions in lockdown when threatened with divorce. My natural reaction is always; "bring it". Another thread has also inspired this topic because it turns out the good thing that has come out from all of this is that - I doubt she'll be flashing the D word around anytime soon. Still... what can I do about this?

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