Background
My wife's detachment started slowly five years ago and accelerated in the Summer 2013 to only peak in April 2014 when I found out about an EA. At that time, she told me that she was 90% sure she wanted a divorce.
In May 2014, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She did a 180 and could not need me enough. We have been married 20 years and I loved her (still do). So, I took care of her - and everything else including our teenager - through April this year when she finally healed and was declared cancer-free. I could have bailed given her selfishness and EA, but I am not wired that way and what kind of message would that have sent to my daughter? I did not think it would save my marriage, but I hoped she would figure out what was truly important.
Well, she went right back into MLC after she healed. The cancer was only a sidebar and it has fueled her self-absorption. So, we agreed to a trial separation (not legal) in May and she moved out the first day in June. She had never lived on her own and felt that her growth as an adult was stunted; she was too dependent on me and was resentful. She also rewrote history in her mind and blamed me for a business venture gone bad that impacted our financial future, but did not come close to destroying it. Unfortunately, the goodwill about 'standing on her own', getting space and figuring out things was killed in week 2 when she went to see her EA.
While separated, she has spent a lot of time going out with her girlfriends, having fun and hanging with EA and a few other guys. She desperately needs affirmation and validation from others and I think she just wants a 'reboot', start over with another guy, life etc. She claims to have been journaling and 'thinking' a lot, but most of her GFs believe something else has been at bay as time has gone on and she has not been meeting them out as much. I know because I had access to her emails and phone records for a while before she changed the passwords.
Me - I did a 180 and started focusing on myself while she has been stuck in an 'I do not know what I want' kind of state. I stopped worrying about what she was / was not doing and I began building my own social life, hanging out with a few different women along with other guys etc. One of the women and I have been chatting on the phone a lot. Nothing physical has happened, just friends. However, it could easily escalate.
Side Note: My wife's cancer has left her with trailing physical issues that prohibit her from having intercourse right now. She is working with a physician and is making progress, but I know for a fact that she is not sleeping with other men. She may be seeking their attention, but I do not believe she is getting very physical. We have been intimate a few times during our separation and she is very scared and vulnerable regarding sex. However, I am not blind to the fact that perhaps other things have happened.
Breakthrough…I Think
This week, I reached the decision to ask for a divorce. I was done; I was exhausted from the 2+ years of being in 'limbo' waiting for her to figure things out. She had held me hostage long enough and I was making decisions to move on. I told her we are selling the house, paying off debt and downsizing.
Unbeknownst to me, she found out about the women, especially the one I had chatting with on the phone. She had an emotional breakdown. She has now done a 180 on me has come back hard. She says she hit rock bottom last week and that misses me; she has been taking me for granted and feels awful about her behavior over the past few years. She says she wants me, not needs me and our time apart has made her realize her mistakes and what is truly important. She claims she has told her friends and therapist these points and does not want to lose me.
I told her she needs to figure out where I fit in her priorities in life and what she is willing to do in order to win me back. I am not her backup plan and am doing just fine without her. She has not been emotionally available to me, has not opened up and talked with me and it was about time that I started focusing on what I want in a partner. I am okay with pursuing what will make me happy even if that does not include her. So, we have agreed to talk more and spend some time together.
Proceeding with Caution
I am very cautious right now. I do not trust anything she says and quite honestly, was planning divorce. It took me a long time to get to that point and felt good about my decision. I was prepared for the 'missing me' conversation but not for the confessions and apparent clarity. I realize her 'fear of loss' is tremendous and she is scared to lose everything she has with me.
Funny thing...I have always thought that I would be the one to ask for a divorce as she has wanted it all along (sending me signals here and there) and didn't have the guts to ask for it. I would have to be the adult and move us forward. What I was NOT ready for was her wanting to come back and expressing such strong feelings about it. I have been sideswiped. I still have to be the one to decide, but in a different way now.
I am truly torn and trying to process things.
My wife's detachment started slowly five years ago and accelerated in the Summer 2013 to only peak in April 2014 when I found out about an EA. At that time, she told me that she was 90% sure she wanted a divorce.
In May 2014, she was diagnosed with colon cancer. She did a 180 and could not need me enough. We have been married 20 years and I loved her (still do). So, I took care of her - and everything else including our teenager - through April this year when she finally healed and was declared cancer-free. I could have bailed given her selfishness and EA, but I am not wired that way and what kind of message would that have sent to my daughter? I did not think it would save my marriage, but I hoped she would figure out what was truly important.
Well, she went right back into MLC after she healed. The cancer was only a sidebar and it has fueled her self-absorption. So, we agreed to a trial separation (not legal) in May and she moved out the first day in June. She had never lived on her own and felt that her growth as an adult was stunted; she was too dependent on me and was resentful. She also rewrote history in her mind and blamed me for a business venture gone bad that impacted our financial future, but did not come close to destroying it. Unfortunately, the goodwill about 'standing on her own', getting space and figuring out things was killed in week 2 when she went to see her EA.
While separated, she has spent a lot of time going out with her girlfriends, having fun and hanging with EA and a few other guys. She desperately needs affirmation and validation from others and I think she just wants a 'reboot', start over with another guy, life etc. She claims to have been journaling and 'thinking' a lot, but most of her GFs believe something else has been at bay as time has gone on and she has not been meeting them out as much. I know because I had access to her emails and phone records for a while before she changed the passwords.
Me - I did a 180 and started focusing on myself while she has been stuck in an 'I do not know what I want' kind of state. I stopped worrying about what she was / was not doing and I began building my own social life, hanging out with a few different women along with other guys etc. One of the women and I have been chatting on the phone a lot. Nothing physical has happened, just friends. However, it could easily escalate.
Side Note: My wife's cancer has left her with trailing physical issues that prohibit her from having intercourse right now. She is working with a physician and is making progress, but I know for a fact that she is not sleeping with other men. She may be seeking their attention, but I do not believe she is getting very physical. We have been intimate a few times during our separation and she is very scared and vulnerable regarding sex. However, I am not blind to the fact that perhaps other things have happened.
Breakthrough…I Think
This week, I reached the decision to ask for a divorce. I was done; I was exhausted from the 2+ years of being in 'limbo' waiting for her to figure things out. She had held me hostage long enough and I was making decisions to move on. I told her we are selling the house, paying off debt and downsizing.
Unbeknownst to me, she found out about the women, especially the one I had chatting with on the phone. She had an emotional breakdown. She has now done a 180 on me has come back hard. She says she hit rock bottom last week and that misses me; she has been taking me for granted and feels awful about her behavior over the past few years. She says she wants me, not needs me and our time apart has made her realize her mistakes and what is truly important. She claims she has told her friends and therapist these points and does not want to lose me.
I told her she needs to figure out where I fit in her priorities in life and what she is willing to do in order to win me back. I am not her backup plan and am doing just fine without her. She has not been emotionally available to me, has not opened up and talked with me and it was about time that I started focusing on what I want in a partner. I am okay with pursuing what will make me happy even if that does not include her. So, we have agreed to talk more and spend some time together.
Proceeding with Caution
I am very cautious right now. I do not trust anything she says and quite honestly, was planning divorce. It took me a long time to get to that point and felt good about my decision. I was prepared for the 'missing me' conversation but not for the confessions and apparent clarity. I realize her 'fear of loss' is tremendous and she is scared to lose everything she has with me.
Funny thing...I have always thought that I would be the one to ask for a divorce as she has wanted it all along (sending me signals here and there) and didn't have the guts to ask for it. I would have to be the adult and move us forward. What I was NOT ready for was her wanting to come back and expressing such strong feelings about it. I have been sideswiped. I still have to be the one to decide, but in a different way now.
I am truly torn and trying to process things.
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