My story is a long one so I'll try and cut to the chase of what my current issue is as best I can. I am 34 and my husband is 35, we have two boys ages 4 and 7. I found out about a "friend" he made at work in November and it has been a roller coaster ever since. I asked him to stop hanging out with her because I knew where it was going. Our marriage had been on the rocks for a while due to several years of constant tragedy in our lives. I could tell my husband was going through a mid life crisis of sorts and I could see the writing on the wall so I started working on myself and tried to be the person I wanted to be, especially when it came to our marriage.
After months of suspicions, confrontations and denials, proof of messages but nothing else, I finally found proof that they had slept together at least once in December that I know of. He's spent all that time trying to cover that up in any way possible. Supposedly in March (when I found the messages) he realized what he stood to lose and stopped messaging her (which is all they were supposedly doing at that point, not sure I believe it).
Things did seem to get better, he was more attentive with me and the kids and seemed to be happier again with our life. I still had a gut feeling which is why I kept digging and then found the evidence of them sleeping together in December (I discovered it at the end of June). He was immediately remorseful and said he's been working since March to try and move forward and he didn't tell me about them having slept together because he didn't want to lose me and he hoped we could just move forward together.
So here is my dilemma. He still works with this woman. I know the general rule around here is that he must leave his job if we are to ever reconcile, but that is not a possibility at all. I'm sure people will say is his job worth our marriage, but at this point there is no other option. He has to stay at his job and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon as far as I can tell. He has agreed to stop being around her socially (no more lunches with coworkers if she is going, no more drinks after work if she is going, etc.) He has promised professional contact only.
The only problem is, he doesn't want to abide by these rules forever. He seems to think that I should get to a point where I trust him enough again one day to let him go out with coworkers even if she is going. He doesn't have any other friends besides the people he works with so if he doesn't get to hang out with them, he doesn't get to hang out with anyone. And she is ALWAYS there. I know he can deal with it for a while, but can I really ask him to stop being around his friends forever? If he has no friends we are just going to end up back where we were when he cheated on me. He will be miserable and lonely all over again. We can do a lot together as a couple, but I think everyone needs friends. So how do we compromise? What do we do so that he can still be around his friends but I can be comfortable with it? At this point I don't see how it could be possible at all. And his attitude about how it shouldn't be a big deal if she is there because there are other people around blows my mind. I don't understand how he could ever think that was ok! He mentioned some hiking trip his coworkers are planning (of course she is going) so he knows he can't go right now, but hopes that one day we can get to a place where I trust him enough to let him go on trips like this. Am I wrong to think "hell no!"? I don't care how much I trust him one day, I will NEVER be ok with him going on a trip with her, EVER. And what if a work trip comes up and the two of them have to go? Even if other people went, I know I wouldn't want him to go. Is that unreasonable of me? At this point I almost feel like saying, if your social life is more important than our marriage, maybe we should just forget it. But I am still in that back and forth emotional stage so I don't know if I am thinking rationally at this point. Advice, please!
After months of suspicions, confrontations and denials, proof of messages but nothing else, I finally found proof that they had slept together at least once in December that I know of. He's spent all that time trying to cover that up in any way possible. Supposedly in March (when I found the messages) he realized what he stood to lose and stopped messaging her (which is all they were supposedly doing at that point, not sure I believe it).
Things did seem to get better, he was more attentive with me and the kids and seemed to be happier again with our life. I still had a gut feeling which is why I kept digging and then found the evidence of them sleeping together in December (I discovered it at the end of June). He was immediately remorseful and said he's been working since March to try and move forward and he didn't tell me about them having slept together because he didn't want to lose me and he hoped we could just move forward together.
So here is my dilemma. He still works with this woman. I know the general rule around here is that he must leave his job if we are to ever reconcile, but that is not a possibility at all. I'm sure people will say is his job worth our marriage, but at this point there is no other option. He has to stay at his job and she isn't going anywhere anytime soon as far as I can tell. He has agreed to stop being around her socially (no more lunches with coworkers if she is going, no more drinks after work if she is going, etc.) He has promised professional contact only.
The only problem is, he doesn't want to abide by these rules forever. He seems to think that I should get to a point where I trust him enough again one day to let him go out with coworkers even if she is going. He doesn't have any other friends besides the people he works with so if he doesn't get to hang out with them, he doesn't get to hang out with anyone. And she is ALWAYS there. I know he can deal with it for a while, but can I really ask him to stop being around his friends forever? If he has no friends we are just going to end up back where we were when he cheated on me. He will be miserable and lonely all over again. We can do a lot together as a couple, but I think everyone needs friends. So how do we compromise? What do we do so that he can still be around his friends but I can be comfortable with it? At this point I don't see how it could be possible at all. And his attitude about how it shouldn't be a big deal if she is there because there are other people around blows my mind. I don't understand how he could ever think that was ok! He mentioned some hiking trip his coworkers are planning (of course she is going) so he knows he can't go right now, but hopes that one day we can get to a place where I trust him enough to let him go on trips like this. Am I wrong to think "hell no!"? I don't care how much I trust him one day, I will NEVER be ok with him going on a trip with her, EVER. And what if a work trip comes up and the two of them have to go? Even if other people went, I know I wouldn't want him to go. Is that unreasonable of me? At this point I almost feel like saying, if your social life is more important than our marriage, maybe we should just forget it. But I am still in that back and forth emotional stage so I don't know if I am thinking rationally at this point. Advice, please!
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