So...
I've been reading all of the threads on this site for months now. I still haven't figured out all of the acronyms, but it has been a helpful place for me to read and see that I'm not alone.
This may be lengthy, but necessary. Here's the deal:
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Just celebrated a few weeks ago with a romantic trip. We have two teenage boys: 18 and 14. We've had a solid marriage, ups and downs, a few major blowups, but we'd always get to the edge of the cliff, look over and see all of the wreckage below and decide to work things out. We've had two stints in marriage counseling, ironically at years 7 and 14. Something about an itch?
We have always trusted each other. We've been best friends. I'm 43 and she's 44. She is absolutely gorgeous and has aged very well. We met at the end of college and married fairly young. I'm deeply in love with her and I'm proud of the history that we've written together. Our boys are healthy, well-adjusted young men and she and I both have decent careers. We're not rich by any means, but we've been able to pay our mortgage and go on the occasional vacation.
Last summer, I caught my wife with another guy at a bar. She and I had gotten into one of our fights. Our pattern historically has been that we argue and then one of us shuts down. We retreat and have a Mexican standoff until one of us (usually me) apologizes and makes everything better. It's like "do anything to just get everything back to normal...an eternal quest for homeostatic bliss.
Well, that night, she invited me to meet her for happy hour after work. I went home after work, made supper for the boys and kind of dawdled because we were in a fight. But, I showed up at the bar. I noticed that she was talking to this muscular guy. I said, "who's that guy?" "Oh, nobody, just some guy that I met". When I would go in from the patio to get a beer, I would notice them talking to each other. When I would come back out to the patio, they would split up. Again, "who's that guy?" "Nobody. Just chill out".
I said, "I'm ready to go home." She said, "oh okay. I'm just going to catch up with Vicky for a few more minutes. I'll be right behind you." So, I go out to my car and decide to wait for her because she'd had a lot to drink and I wanted her to at least follow my car home. After 15 minutes, she still hadn't come out to her car. So, I go into the bar and she and Mr. muscles have moved in from the patio and are now sitting with each other at the bar. I was hurt and fuming. I just looked at her and said, "Why?". She just ignored me. I went home. Just pizzed off.
I waited at home for her to drive home and by 12:30, still no sign of her. Again, I've never had an issue with trust. Neither of us had. So, I decide to go back to the bar and drag her home. When I walked in the bar, they were still sitting together. He was rubbing her back and she had her head on his shoulder. I'm friends with the bartenders and one of them just looked at me and mouthed, "sorry". I walked up to her and said, "honey, it's time to go home". She tells the guy, "sorry. I guess I need to leave." She gets up and starts walking out. I just look at the guy and said, "What the F?" He was too drunk to respond.
That night was the most painful night of our marriage. She called me every name in the book. Everything from "you're too controlling. You're such an a$$hole. You make me watch all of your tv shows. I don't even know how to use the remote. You decide where we go out to eat. You're a control freak. Everything has to revolve around you. F you. I want a divorce. I know you're smart but you have to let everyone know it...and on and on and on."
I was in tears. Rage just erupted from her. I had just caught her canoodling with a guy at the bar and years worth of every shortcoming, or perceived shortcoming I have is thrown in my face.
The next morning, she is embarrassed. She sobers up, calls in sick from work and we talk that night after I get home. She says, "I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me to do that to you. I don't even remember what I said to you. I was too drunk to remember anything." I don't doubt that if I hadn't gone back to the bar, she would have gone home with the guy. She was apologetic about hanging all over the guy and lying to me. She said that she didn't go out looking to pick up a guy, but the attention felt good, he was attractive and she didn't stop it.
A couple of months later, I find out from the bartenders that it wasn't the first time. She had been in the bar at least two other times making out with guys. They were all bigger than I am. I'm 6' 200 lbs, but not a real muscular guy. She even left the bar with a guy one night. She doesn't know that I know about the other times. As I've read on here, the cheater's paradox dictates that she will only cop to what she knows that I know, right?
So, for the next month after that night, we had some really hard, frank discussions. She said that she's clearly going through something. She feels like I smother her, and I'm too needy. I started seeing a counselor to work on my issues (being needy, smothering, etc.) but she was unwilling to go to a counselor for her issues nor was she willing to see a marriage counselor together with me.
About a month later, she finally buys a spiral notebook and suggests that we start "journaling" our feelings in that. That has been a god send. She was remorseful, owned her issues, wrote some really introspective stuff. It has become a way for us to communicate in a safe space. It diffuses potential blow ups because we have agreed upon ground rules that we can be honest in what we write.
I did some soul searching and was able to forgive her. I forgave her for the night that she was all over the guy in front of me and, unbeknownst to her, I forgave her for the other nights that I had heard about from people I trust. I chalked it up to mid-life crisis, alcohol, a few nights of bad decisions, whatever. You all can crush me for that, but it was my choice. While I've never cheated "all the way", I'm sure that over 20 years, there's been a night or two where I wouldn't have looked too good to her if she had seen me acting flirty. I really don't think she went all the way with any of these guys, but I'm guessing they made out and probably groped...maybe a handy.
Anyway, I just decided, "let's move on and start over". So, over the next 6-8 months, things were going great. She was more attentive to my needs and I worked through things with my counselor so that I found activities that I enjoy: playing golf, tennis, hobbies that I could enjoy independently of her. She needs space. I like togetherness. I feel like we've found a good compromise. Again, a few nights of bad decisions, for me, isn't worth torpedoing my life, marriage, 20 year history with the woman that I love more than life itself.
Then, I got blindsided. She and I are on AT&T's unlimited talk, text and data. We've had it for years and have been grandfathered in. But, my 18 year old and 14 year old have limited plans.
So, about 4 months ago, I got a text or email, I can't remember which, from At&T saying that my son was about to go over his 3 GB per month. "Click here for more information". So, I clicked. It pulled up all of our accounts. I noticed that she had TONS of text messages on her number. So, I started digging. You guessed it. Starting in January, she has been texting a male co-worker.
She works for a major insurance company in an administrative role. I am in sales and travel a fair amount (once or twice a month, ranging from just one night trips to week-long trips, depending on the need). I looked at the text messages and it was a number I didn't recognize. I looked up the number through an app and learned that it's her co-worker. He's 32, married, two kids. He's a former football player and personal trainer who now sells insurance. Again, lots of things at play: first and foremost, utter betrayal. Second, every insecurity is triggered. Again, with a muscle head. The pattern of the text messages is super troubling. She has complained to me that, when I travel, I text her way too much. She feels smothered and says, "I don't need to know every detail of what you're doing. Save some stuff to talk about when you get home." But, I'm not a wild a$$. When I travel, I may go to dinner with a client, but then I go back to my hotel. I'm not out late b oozing or hound dogging it after women. I'm pretty tame. I text her because I miss her and want to hear from her. I want to share my life with her. It hurts when she tells me that I'm smothering her. Meanwhile, she's texting this guy ad nauseum.
I notice that it's every time I travel. I looked through the phone records and it's clearly coordinated. It's clear that she tells him when I'm out of town. It starts at like 6 a.m. and continues throughout the day and goes until as late as midnight. Then it starts back up early in the morning. They even text each other all day, even though they work in the same office, like two cubicles away!
I am TORN UP!
It's been going on for 7 months. So, all of the work we've done to rebuild trust, spend time together, it's all out the window. She is lying and being deceitful and I'm crushed.
But, here's the thing: I am a coward. I haven't confronted her about it and I've known for 4 months. I'm afraid of her. If I bring it up, she'll go crazy. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE SNOOPING THROUGH MY PHONE RECORDS". I'm worried that if I bring it up, she'll go into a rage and say she wants a divorce.
I'm torn. I can confront the guy and tell him, "you will send my wife a text stating that you are feeling guilty and this needs to stop. You will not tell my wife we've had this conversation. If you fail to end it, if you tell my wife we've spoken, I will mail the phone records to your wife as I'm sure she is unaware about your relationship with my wife." But, if I do that, it might end it, but she's established a pattern and it will likely just happen again with someone else.
At best, they are having an emotional affair and it's inappropriate. At worst, it's much more. I'm talking hundreds of texts per day when I'm gone. When I'm in town, they text each other frequently, but do it during the work day. He never texts her during the evening. She has her phone locked down and the one time I was able to look, she's deleted everything from him. There's not a trace.
If I confront her, she'll be shocked that I know. She'll be P.O'd that I snooped. She'll say it's because of me somehow. I'll get blamed. I know it.
She says she loves me. We have fun together. We have a great sex life. We garden and play tennis and eat and drink wine on our patio. It's a nice life.
My options are limited.
1) Just try and ignore it. Quit looking at phone records or checking on her texts to see where she is (I have that capability on our texts; it locates her phone). Just accept that this is the price I have to pay for the life I've got.
2) Bring it up to the other guy and threaten to tell his wife to put an end to it, but recognize that it's just a band-aid.
3) Confront her and be prepared for whatever befalls me.
Right now, I think I'm too big of a coward to confront her. I'm torn up. I'm not sleeping well. I try and put a good face on around her, but she senses that I'm unhappy. I've re-started seeing my counselor and she is helping me think through my options. But, ultimately, I'm just sad. I hate that my loving wife of 20 years is being sneaky, seeking attention outside of our marriage, lying, and then telling me that I "text too much" while she's sending him hundreds of texts while I'm out of town.
I know many of you have been though this. I'm sure I'll hear, "leave her butt and move on" and "quit being such a pu$$y", but it's not that simple. There's a lot at stake in this. As I've said, I've looked over the edge of the cliff and it's not pretty, what lies below. Plus, I hope this doesn't offend some of you, but it probably will. The VAST majority of friends and acquaintances that I have who are divorced are MISERABLE. They gnaw on the bone and can't let it go. Even those who remarry are alway living with the ghost of their ex-wife. It taints their new marriage. Especially when you have kids together. Your lives are forever intertwined. And, maybe I'm reading too much into the future and predicting that she'll flip out and want a divorce. Perhaps when I confront her, it will be a wake up call and she'll finally go to counseling and address whatever issues she's got going on. I can't believe she's so stupid to be doing this with a co-worker and jeopardizing her career.
I'm torn up. My first post. Please handle with kid gloves. I guess I just needed to write all of this and share it with you. Without knowing, many of you have been helpful to me, even if it's just knowing that I'm not alone.
Thanks,
Troubled in Tennessee
I've been reading all of the threads on this site for months now. I still haven't figured out all of the acronyms, but it has been a helpful place for me to read and see that I'm not alone.
This may be lengthy, but necessary. Here's the deal:
My wife and I have been married for 20 years. Just celebrated a few weeks ago with a romantic trip. We have two teenage boys: 18 and 14. We've had a solid marriage, ups and downs, a few major blowups, but we'd always get to the edge of the cliff, look over and see all of the wreckage below and decide to work things out. We've had two stints in marriage counseling, ironically at years 7 and 14. Something about an itch?
We have always trusted each other. We've been best friends. I'm 43 and she's 44. She is absolutely gorgeous and has aged very well. We met at the end of college and married fairly young. I'm deeply in love with her and I'm proud of the history that we've written together. Our boys are healthy, well-adjusted young men and she and I both have decent careers. We're not rich by any means, but we've been able to pay our mortgage and go on the occasional vacation.
Last summer, I caught my wife with another guy at a bar. She and I had gotten into one of our fights. Our pattern historically has been that we argue and then one of us shuts down. We retreat and have a Mexican standoff until one of us (usually me) apologizes and makes everything better. It's like "do anything to just get everything back to normal...an eternal quest for homeostatic bliss.
Well, that night, she invited me to meet her for happy hour after work. I went home after work, made supper for the boys and kind of dawdled because we were in a fight. But, I showed up at the bar. I noticed that she was talking to this muscular guy. I said, "who's that guy?" "Oh, nobody, just some guy that I met". When I would go in from the patio to get a beer, I would notice them talking to each other. When I would come back out to the patio, they would split up. Again, "who's that guy?" "Nobody. Just chill out".
I said, "I'm ready to go home." She said, "oh okay. I'm just going to catch up with Vicky for a few more minutes. I'll be right behind you." So, I go out to my car and decide to wait for her because she'd had a lot to drink and I wanted her to at least follow my car home. After 15 minutes, she still hadn't come out to her car. So, I go into the bar and she and Mr. muscles have moved in from the patio and are now sitting with each other at the bar. I was hurt and fuming. I just looked at her and said, "Why?". She just ignored me. I went home. Just pizzed off.
I waited at home for her to drive home and by 12:30, still no sign of her. Again, I've never had an issue with trust. Neither of us had. So, I decide to go back to the bar and drag her home. When I walked in the bar, they were still sitting together. He was rubbing her back and she had her head on his shoulder. I'm friends with the bartenders and one of them just looked at me and mouthed, "sorry". I walked up to her and said, "honey, it's time to go home". She tells the guy, "sorry. I guess I need to leave." She gets up and starts walking out. I just look at the guy and said, "What the F?" He was too drunk to respond.
That night was the most painful night of our marriage. She called me every name in the book. Everything from "you're too controlling. You're such an a$$hole. You make me watch all of your tv shows. I don't even know how to use the remote. You decide where we go out to eat. You're a control freak. Everything has to revolve around you. F you. I want a divorce. I know you're smart but you have to let everyone know it...and on and on and on."
I was in tears. Rage just erupted from her. I had just caught her canoodling with a guy at the bar and years worth of every shortcoming, or perceived shortcoming I have is thrown in my face.
The next morning, she is embarrassed. She sobers up, calls in sick from work and we talk that night after I get home. She says, "I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me to do that to you. I don't even remember what I said to you. I was too drunk to remember anything." I don't doubt that if I hadn't gone back to the bar, she would have gone home with the guy. She was apologetic about hanging all over the guy and lying to me. She said that she didn't go out looking to pick up a guy, but the attention felt good, he was attractive and she didn't stop it.
A couple of months later, I find out from the bartenders that it wasn't the first time. She had been in the bar at least two other times making out with guys. They were all bigger than I am. I'm 6' 200 lbs, but not a real muscular guy. She even left the bar with a guy one night. She doesn't know that I know about the other times. As I've read on here, the cheater's paradox dictates that she will only cop to what she knows that I know, right?
So, for the next month after that night, we had some really hard, frank discussions. She said that she's clearly going through something. She feels like I smother her, and I'm too needy. I started seeing a counselor to work on my issues (being needy, smothering, etc.) but she was unwilling to go to a counselor for her issues nor was she willing to see a marriage counselor together with me.
About a month later, she finally buys a spiral notebook and suggests that we start "journaling" our feelings in that. That has been a god send. She was remorseful, owned her issues, wrote some really introspective stuff. It has become a way for us to communicate in a safe space. It diffuses potential blow ups because we have agreed upon ground rules that we can be honest in what we write.
I did some soul searching and was able to forgive her. I forgave her for the night that she was all over the guy in front of me and, unbeknownst to her, I forgave her for the other nights that I had heard about from people I trust. I chalked it up to mid-life crisis, alcohol, a few nights of bad decisions, whatever. You all can crush me for that, but it was my choice. While I've never cheated "all the way", I'm sure that over 20 years, there's been a night or two where I wouldn't have looked too good to her if she had seen me acting flirty. I really don't think she went all the way with any of these guys, but I'm guessing they made out and probably groped...maybe a handy.
Anyway, I just decided, "let's move on and start over". So, over the next 6-8 months, things were going great. She was more attentive to my needs and I worked through things with my counselor so that I found activities that I enjoy: playing golf, tennis, hobbies that I could enjoy independently of her. She needs space. I like togetherness. I feel like we've found a good compromise. Again, a few nights of bad decisions, for me, isn't worth torpedoing my life, marriage, 20 year history with the woman that I love more than life itself.
Then, I got blindsided. She and I are on AT&T's unlimited talk, text and data. We've had it for years and have been grandfathered in. But, my 18 year old and 14 year old have limited plans.
So, about 4 months ago, I got a text or email, I can't remember which, from At&T saying that my son was about to go over his 3 GB per month. "Click here for more information". So, I clicked. It pulled up all of our accounts. I noticed that she had TONS of text messages on her number. So, I started digging. You guessed it. Starting in January, she has been texting a male co-worker.
She works for a major insurance company in an administrative role. I am in sales and travel a fair amount (once or twice a month, ranging from just one night trips to week-long trips, depending on the need). I looked at the text messages and it was a number I didn't recognize. I looked up the number through an app and learned that it's her co-worker. He's 32, married, two kids. He's a former football player and personal trainer who now sells insurance. Again, lots of things at play: first and foremost, utter betrayal. Second, every insecurity is triggered. Again, with a muscle head. The pattern of the text messages is super troubling. She has complained to me that, when I travel, I text her way too much. She feels smothered and says, "I don't need to know every detail of what you're doing. Save some stuff to talk about when you get home." But, I'm not a wild a$$. When I travel, I may go to dinner with a client, but then I go back to my hotel. I'm not out late b oozing or hound dogging it after women. I'm pretty tame. I text her because I miss her and want to hear from her. I want to share my life with her. It hurts when she tells me that I'm smothering her. Meanwhile, she's texting this guy ad nauseum.
I notice that it's every time I travel. I looked through the phone records and it's clearly coordinated. It's clear that she tells him when I'm out of town. It starts at like 6 a.m. and continues throughout the day and goes until as late as midnight. Then it starts back up early in the morning. They even text each other all day, even though they work in the same office, like two cubicles away!
I am TORN UP!
It's been going on for 7 months. So, all of the work we've done to rebuild trust, spend time together, it's all out the window. She is lying and being deceitful and I'm crushed.
But, here's the thing: I am a coward. I haven't confronted her about it and I've known for 4 months. I'm afraid of her. If I bring it up, she'll go crazy. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE SNOOPING THROUGH MY PHONE RECORDS". I'm worried that if I bring it up, she'll go into a rage and say she wants a divorce.
I'm torn. I can confront the guy and tell him, "you will send my wife a text stating that you are feeling guilty and this needs to stop. You will not tell my wife we've had this conversation. If you fail to end it, if you tell my wife we've spoken, I will mail the phone records to your wife as I'm sure she is unaware about your relationship with my wife." But, if I do that, it might end it, but she's established a pattern and it will likely just happen again with someone else.
At best, they are having an emotional affair and it's inappropriate. At worst, it's much more. I'm talking hundreds of texts per day when I'm gone. When I'm in town, they text each other frequently, but do it during the work day. He never texts her during the evening. She has her phone locked down and the one time I was able to look, she's deleted everything from him. There's not a trace.
If I confront her, she'll be shocked that I know. She'll be P.O'd that I snooped. She'll say it's because of me somehow. I'll get blamed. I know it.
She says she loves me. We have fun together. We have a great sex life. We garden and play tennis and eat and drink wine on our patio. It's a nice life.
My options are limited.
1) Just try and ignore it. Quit looking at phone records or checking on her texts to see where she is (I have that capability on our texts; it locates her phone). Just accept that this is the price I have to pay for the life I've got.
2) Bring it up to the other guy and threaten to tell his wife to put an end to it, but recognize that it's just a band-aid.
3) Confront her and be prepared for whatever befalls me.
Right now, I think I'm too big of a coward to confront her. I'm torn up. I'm not sleeping well. I try and put a good face on around her, but she senses that I'm unhappy. I've re-started seeing my counselor and she is helping me think through my options. But, ultimately, I'm just sad. I hate that my loving wife of 20 years is being sneaky, seeking attention outside of our marriage, lying, and then telling me that I "text too much" while she's sending him hundreds of texts while I'm out of town.
I know many of you have been though this. I'm sure I'll hear, "leave her butt and move on" and "quit being such a pu$$y", but it's not that simple. There's a lot at stake in this. As I've said, I've looked over the edge of the cliff and it's not pretty, what lies below. Plus, I hope this doesn't offend some of you, but it probably will. The VAST majority of friends and acquaintances that I have who are divorced are MISERABLE. They gnaw on the bone and can't let it go. Even those who remarry are alway living with the ghost of their ex-wife. It taints their new marriage. Especially when you have kids together. Your lives are forever intertwined. And, maybe I'm reading too much into the future and predicting that she'll flip out and want a divorce. Perhaps when I confront her, it will be a wake up call and she'll finally go to counseling and address whatever issues she's got going on. I can't believe she's so stupid to be doing this with a co-worker and jeopardizing her career.
I'm torn up. My first post. Please handle with kid gloves. I guess I just needed to write all of this and share it with you. Without knowing, many of you have been helpful to me, even if it's just knowing that I'm not alone.
Thanks,
Troubled in Tennessee
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