Forgiving Yourself After You Had An Affair? Is It Self Indulgent Or Selfish?
By: Katie Lersch: People often assume that when a marriage is harmed by an affair, the person who is hurt the worst is the faithful spouse. And while I know firsthand that it is extremely painful when your spouse cheats on you, the spouse who cheated can be deeply hurt as well. They can struggle with intense guilt and feelings of extremely low self worth.
There is sometimes a lot of support for the faithful spouse. It is understandable why the faithful spouse might need support while healing and while trying to move on. But what about the cheating spouse? Should they get this support? Should they be encouraged to forgive themselves and move on?
Not everyone thinks so. I sometimes hear from spouses who have cheated in the past and who want to be able to forgive themselves to that they can move forward, but they are told that this is self centered.
Someone might explain: "It stinks that I even have to say this. But I cheated on my husband. I feel like I'm a felon or something. Like I can never do anything without identifying myself as a horrible person. I know that in many ways I deserve it, but I feel like the description of cheater is going to follow me around for the rest of my life. I haven't really started counseling, but this wonderful woman from my church, who I see as sort of my mentor, told me that I have to forgive myself. She said that I'm not going to be able to be the best wife or the best mother I can be while I'm going through life feeling like a person who doesn't matter. She said that of course I will need to make things right with my husband, but I also need to make things right with myself. I was telling a friend about this wish to forgive myself. This woman's husband is my husband's best friend. She was not very receptive. She said that this idea seems a little selfish. She said that cheating is an awful thing and that I should not even think about forgiving myself until my husband can forgive me. Frankly, I don't know if my husband will ever forgive me. But when I told my husband about this conversation, he agreed with my friend. He said that self forgiveness for someone who had an affair seems a little self indulgent, considering all of the damage that I've done. Is this correct? Should I just give up on the idea of forgiving myself?"
(read the rest here)
By: Katie Lersch: People often assume that when a marriage is harmed by an affair, the person who is hurt the worst is the faithful spouse. And while I know firsthand that it is extremely painful when your spouse cheats on you, the spouse who cheated can be deeply hurt as well. They can struggle with intense guilt and feelings of extremely low self worth.
There is sometimes a lot of support for the faithful spouse. It is understandable why the faithful spouse might need support while healing and while trying to move on. But what about the cheating spouse? Should they get this support? Should they be encouraged to forgive themselves and move on?
Not everyone thinks so. I sometimes hear from spouses who have cheated in the past and who want to be able to forgive themselves to that they can move forward, but they are told that this is self centered.
Someone might explain: "It stinks that I even have to say this. But I cheated on my husband. I feel like I'm a felon or something. Like I can never do anything without identifying myself as a horrible person. I know that in many ways I deserve it, but I feel like the description of cheater is going to follow me around for the rest of my life. I haven't really started counseling, but this wonderful woman from my church, who I see as sort of my mentor, told me that I have to forgive myself. She said that I'm not going to be able to be the best wife or the best mother I can be while I'm going through life feeling like a person who doesn't matter. She said that of course I will need to make things right with my husband, but I also need to make things right with myself. I was telling a friend about this wish to forgive myself. This woman's husband is my husband's best friend. She was not very receptive. She said that this idea seems a little selfish. She said that cheating is an awful thing and that I should not even think about forgiving myself until my husband can forgive me. Frankly, I don't know if my husband will ever forgive me. But when I told my husband about this conversation, he agreed with my friend. He said that self forgiveness for someone who had an affair seems a little self indulgent, considering all of the damage that I've done. Is this correct? Should I just give up on the idea of forgiving myself?"
(read the rest here)
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