Worth any of it?

So....I've been separated for 9 months now. I've grown a lot in these 9 months. Learned about myself, about what I want, what I don't want, boundaries, interests. It's been good for me. Divorce is still in progress. 2 more papers need to be filed next week and then the final decree. STBX moved out in April. He wasn't around for a while. I liked it. I couldn't stand looking at him. His lies, omissions, deceit, etc. He was seeing someone...I was seeing someone. And it was fine. Then his texts started. I ignored at first, then we talked some...and I laid it out what I'll accept and not accept. He heard and tried. "Trying" is not "doing". I was no longer seeing the person, but we were still friends. Best friends, honestly. He stopped seeing his friend. We gave full transparency on that and to be honest, it didn't bother me at all. Weird, but true. Last week we had a ginormous talk. Laid everything out on the table. Both of us. Best talk we've ever had. It was about marriage, divorce, wants, needs, etc. Nothing was left unsaid. The next night, he again chose alcohol over my feelings. And I said "enough". I can't live off of WORDS. Actions speak louder. The next night he got into AA and is going to therapy and DOING the work. More work in one week than I've seen in 6 years. But....wtf O.o He doesn't want this divorce. Says he won't sign papers. Blah blah... I told my friend we can't be friends any longer. I have to figure this out with my husband to MAKE SURE it's the right move to divorce. Why do I feel like it's not over with him? I don't understand my problem. It's like I want to see what he's got--- if we can save this family in time...or not. But...why? I love him, yes. But my trust is kaput. And I lost my best friend last night. Because I knew I couldn't give him another chance if she was in the picture. He has been in the "know" about all of this. I do not hide my truth or life. He knows how hesitant I am about him. He knows my feelings for him. He knows my feelings for her. I feel at a loss. He's let me down so many times! Why do I hope this time will be different. Arg! I guess time will tell. Life goes on.

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