| Ok, this is my first marriage and we have been married 12 years this July. I will try to condense this story into something not so ponderous to read. Let me start by saying I love my wife more than anyone in the world. She has been acting strangely much of this year but the situation came to a head this summer. she is a teacher and has the summers off. she lost some weight this spring, got some new clothes and hair cuts and was pretty much gone the entire summer, saying she was going to school to get a jump on the new year (shes the media specialist). When not doing that she was hanging with some girl friends and sister, going to concerts, basically anything she wanted to do. I was left at home to run my home based business (which I came to regard as the dungeon). I had that gut feeling all summer something was up. The signs showed an affair, emotional or physical. Some of these girlfriends I never approved of as they live party lifestyles and run with me constantly. She told me she wouldnt be influenced by that, but you know the saying about running with dogs and getting fleas. Anyway, she walks in my shop one evening about a month ago and says "i want a divorce", which hit me in the gut like a lead bowling ball. After she calmed down and we quit crying I told her I knew something was up this summer and just said point blank, is there anyone else? Tell me if there is please. She said no there wasnt. I convinced her to try a separation, which she finally agreed to. We did not go get official separation papers. I agreed to move out even though i know I didnt have to (trying to be a nice guy). The reasons she stated were: our finances arent good enough, I feel trapped and need 'space' to sort things. I dont know who I am anymore,etc. I respected it and told her I would move out asap. But we agreed to stay in contact and she expressed genuine concern for me if I didnt stay in touch. Her first comments about time apart was 'a couple months'. I found a place a few miles away and began the big task of moving all my stuff and my shop ( I repair musical instruments and play for a living). During the entire moving process we exchanged emails/texts and a few calls and always said I love you in them. This gave me hope that she just needed space and time and that we could then start to talk occasionally and get counciling. She said she still loved me and that she has all my love letters and notes saved. I have all her letters and notes too, and sweet emails. More hope, Im thinking. Ok fast forward just a couple weeks into the separation, and my email messages get no reply, she deletes her facebook page, changes the codes on our house. I have send her a few ecards, which shows she reads them but i never get any replies. From what Ive read, continuing to be loving and sweet with messages and things are counter-productive. But whats got me really baffled is this 180 trun in demeanor. How can she love me like she says but then try everything to cut me out of her life. What really got me was I found out she had been planning this all year as I discovered money being moved around in the account (found out after she asked for the D). She knew she was going to do this but said nothing at all about being that unhappy. There is NO abuse of any kind and i have never slept with another woman. I am baffled by this whole thing. Our financial situation has never been that great but we have a nice home cars and manage to get by pretty well, or so i was thinking. She has Rheumatoid arthritis and has other health problems,including multiple surgeries and three years on steroids. Her Enbrel injections really help her arthritis but it lowers her immune response, so colds can turn into pneumonia rather quickly if she doesnt see the doctor, and it has a few times. She gained weight from the steroids and had big mood swings. Through all this, over 12 years, i never thought about leaving, not once, I made those vows and meant every word and still do. We racked up some large co-pays and it really put a dent in our finances, but we were a team (or so i thought). My income fluctuates and some years are great and some not, but the last 3-4 years it hasnt been great and i kind of let my business go somewhat. She claimed she felt like she had lost her 'freedom', but I allowed her to do anything she was capable of. she ran political campaigns for local folks, went to concerts with friends,went to pool parties, girls nite out, belonged to the SPCA, and other clubs and anything else she wanted. Eventually she created her own 'world' and started leaving me out of most of it, I didnt try to stop her, thinking if it made her happy (but made me lonely), I would let her. She has never had control of her health, so i let her control other things, and do what she wanted. Now i feel like all the freedom i gave her and all the times I stood by her have been of no importance. I havent been the perfect husband by any means, but I don't think i sense any sign of appreciation for what i have had to endure and commit to here. Its all been put in as 'my fault'. Now explain to me how me leaving and paying rent and my own bills, while she stays home and pays mortgage and all the bills there, is going to 'help' our finances? It makes no sense. I recently read a book called 'tough love' adn it state that whatever reason(s) the spouse gives for the divorce are almost always not the real reason. I still suspect that she either is emotionally bonded to someone or has been seeing someone, and that she is using some kind of blame transference to get me out, so she can relieve her guilt, or to get 'free' to do what she wants. Why else would she turn so hostile and cut me out of her life so drastically? Knowing how she can be hard hearted ,i dont she months and months of no communication as a good sign. She also stopped wearing her ring immediately after the separation. I still wear mine. I decided to use the tough love approach for a month or so and have no contact at all. If she wants to talk, she knows how to find me. Its the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The reason I talked her into teh separation was to try and get a handle on our issues and work them out. But she has quickly adopted this stonewall approach. Is this normal behavior for the reasons she has listed or is my gut telling me something that is right? Any insights from folks who have had wives act this way after separating, would be great and much appreciated! I don't understand why she would plan something so long and never just say "im not happy, we need help". I feel completely blindsided, and unappreciated,and now mad as hell. But I still love her with all my heart. This is torture...:( | |||
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