| Hi all. Before I divulge, here is my disclaimer why I am posting this here... 1. I posted something related in the "sex in marriage" section and i kept getting the "watch porn and get kinky with your H" advice. 2. I thought about posting in "coping with infidelity", but no infidelity has occurred on either side. Since before we were married, i had a fear that I would cheat. I cheated on my last partner of four years with a few people, but given. And not to seem like i am making excuses for that, but there were a whole bunch of factors that contributed to that situation that do not apply to my current relationship. I have been married for 5.5 years. We have been through some pretty difficult challenges, and a real crisis point about 18 months ago which was a big shake up for my H. Since then, we have healed alot and things are the best they have been. But i have been scared that i would cheat on my husband at some point, because of my history. I use to swear i would never do that and looked down on anyone who did, but when i did, i guess it was humbling and sobering to realise i was just like every other human being. It gave me a healthy fear for my next serious relationship (who was with my now husband), and i am very vigilant about not testing my own abilities, or relying on my own strength, thinking that i will get through and not b tempted. My guy friends are pretty much our mutual friends (mostly couple friends) and a few of his friends, with the exception of one or two male friends i am closer to than him. (Definitely no attraction to either of those lol). I am kind of rambling here... will cut to the chase. Today i was at a wedding, and one of the vows was "i will forsake all others", and i am wondering if i truly have forsaken all others. I still find other men attractive, and sometimes catch myself daydreaming in ways i shouldn't be. Then i straight away feel guilty and grieved that i am thinking that way. I love my husband and i am attracted to him, but there is some part of me, which i guess is lust, that sometimes craves the unknown. You know when you met your spouse, the first kiss, the first everything, felt new and kind of foreign and exciting because you weren't familiar and you were just consumed? The other issue... i have a few...erm..."fetishes" if you will... i am embarrassed and would never tell a real life soul, but i have a thing for a certain race of guys, and a thing for cops... and i also have an obsessive mind which is really unhelpful when i find myself around these types of guys. It doesn't happen all the time in every situation, but when i find someone attractive, or have been feeling generally "horny", it's not a helpful combination. I have not told H about this, and i don't intend to, and i would hate to end up in any situation where i would have to explain myself. I am scared that one day i will be tempted to cheat on him. Despite not going out partying with the girls and getting drunk, my mind can prove a destructive force, and i know my own weakness from before. What concerns me right now is that i am thinking about men other than my husband. No on in particular, just a "type" of man, in daydreams, and that's followed by desire, and "wishing" that could happen some day, then followed by sadness that it never will because i'm married, then i feel guilty because why should i feel sad about that when i'm married to my husband who i love and who i am attracted to and our marriage is going really well at the moment? If i told my H this, i think he would feel hurt and insecure, and suspicious of my interactions with or feelings around guys... at this stage, i think that would just be unhelpful and unnecessary, and i don't want to make it necessary by my actions. So here is a confession... a couple of weeks ago, i had to deal with cops about something, and then i had an unhelpful dream (if you catch my drift), which led to me thinking along those lines, and desiring things i shouldn't, and writing in the "sex in marriage" section, where the advice i got was to get my husband to cuff me in bed... i appreciated the suggestion, but i don't believe the answer is to try to make my husband fulfill lusts that are really nothing to do with him, and i don't think that is necessarily going to reduce my illicit obsession with others... I have been thinking about my strange attractions and i wanted to understand what causes them, so what did i do? I started googling. Not helpful. And dangerous territory. Of course they eventually led me to dating sites and other forums full of horny singles. I realised that what seemed like me innocently just wanting to understand my own mind was merely cloaking that part of me that wants to explore and encourage the desires i have for others. I feel like i am crossing some lines here and i don't want this to get out of hand. I have been googling stuff today on my phone and feeling a bit paranoid that my H will see what i am looking up. This is not a good place to be. I know that for me, something can quickly get out of hand. There is no specific person in mind and there is no one (thank God) in my immediate circle that i am drawn to. I don't keep in contact with exes and had them blocked on FB. Then what did i do? This week, i looked up old old crushes (like from high school) to see what they are up to now. WHY AM I DOING THIS????? Do I have something wrong with me? Can OCD cause obsessive thinking about stuff? I know i am in dangerous territory. I want to know, from your point of view and on the subject of long term marriage success, what advice you have on safe boundaries, how to deal with unhelpful/obsessive thoughts (who to talk to, about accountability etc). Do i opt out of Facebook and put internet nanny on? I know to the more sexually liberal i may seem as if i am overreacting, but i know what i am like, i know what i was like before and i have learned some hard lessons. I don't want to screw my life up or hurt my husband in that way. HELP!!!!!!!! :( | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment