My girlfriend(20) and I(23) have been dating for just over 3 months now
- We met on a dating site
- She is my first serious relationship
- I'm her second serious relationship though her first was entirely long distance
- She says our relationship feels a lot stronger than her first
- We are, for the most part, each others first everything (including physical intimacy)
- We are both quite weird and our relationship has not really developed along conventional lines as far as I can tell
- After a month we had both said I love you
- After about a month and a bit I was living at her house (she lives with her parents still). This is obviously a big move but we flowed into it seamlessly and I think it was kind of natural since we are both introverted homebodies. Prior to that we had been spending every free moment together so it just seemed to make sense (as during the days where we were separated we wanted to be together)
I'd like to think I'm very conscious of myself and my actions. I will almost always be analysing myself to see if I'm making the right decisions. That is why the above reads to me young, naive, idealistic.
When I first started talking to her online, through the first few dates... while everything was progressing forward at a "normal" (by society's standards) pace... It felt great. She was very interesting, cute and I had no doubts. It was the honeymoon phase clear and simple. But when things sped up and I began to think more clearly I began to have sneaking doubts, especially during the following:
- Saying I love you
- Having her visit my family (Seemed reasonable considering I inevitably met hers as she lives with them)
- Moving in with her
Now at this point I can admit to myself there are a few conflicts:
I'm much more independent than her.
- She still lives with her parents and depends on them for everything.
- She doesn't have a job and mostly just sits at home all day on her laptop. She is attending a program to help her find one (for 6 hours a week) but it has been over 6 months with no hints of success.
I'm much more mature than her, she is very childish at times.
- She will be loud and embarrassing in public places to the point I'd rather not be seen with her. We have spoken about it and she said she'd try and tone it back even though it kind of hurts her that I feel this way. We are on good terms with this though (ultimately she is happy to try). When it is just me and her it is fine though and I've always been very self-conscious in public.
- She never takes responsibility for her actions that may be perceived negatively, blames everything else.
- She complains people treat her like a child while admitting she acts like a child but also saying it is a choice.
- When upset about something she will basically have a sook (not talking much, facing away from me). Every time I am patient and try and talk her out of it bit it is difficult and I am feeling like I am always the one to make amends. We've spoken of this, how she deals with being upset... She admits it isn't healthy but she hasn't made an effort (as far as I can tell) towards that.
I feel noticeably smarter than her.
I am more driven to succeed and progress than her
I feel like I am leading the relationship almost entirely on my own. I always consider her feelings but it feels as though she is simply following me rather than helping things evolve.
I love her dearly still...
- She is completely accepting of who I am and I am comfortable to be my completely unrestrained self around her.
- I trust her completely.
- We have almost identical habits and likes/dislikes.
- We are both very affectionate and meet each other's needs in that.
- She gives me space to do my own thing happily.
- She is kind and understanding of things I feel most would have a difficult time accepting.
- We talk through every problem we've shared, every time. We haven't, however, spoken much on the above conflicts except where mentioned.
I love her... but I have doubts about our future. I feel terrible that I'm having these thoughts, that I'm seeking answers online. The thought of leaving her is gutting but I can't stop feeling like staying isn't a wise decision. That everything up until this point has been based on wanting love more than her. That now I have her undeniable affections and love they don't mean as much now as they did when we were first dating. That I can't bring myself to respect her as much as I need to respect the one I'm with. That this person I care about deeply may be crushed hearing these things. That leaving her may be the wrong choice and I could end up destroying something very special. Something we've both never had before.
I'm lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment