| It reinforces it for me and makes me feel better just to put it out there: I am going to ask him to leave this weekend. There, I said it. Now I need to do it. The following is long as I need to just vent. I have been very unhappy for a long time and honestly cannot see how in the world he could be happy. Although it breaks my heart that I do get the notion that he does not see this coming...on the other hand, how can't he see it? We have not even made love since June or July...I cannot even remember and even then it was a horrible experience for us both. I have been shorter with him in the past couple months. I even started doing a bit of the 180 back in April. I have not even been wearing my wedding band, I replaced it with a plain band I had since before we were married. This is since June. I am fearful of how it will go down. I plan to sit him down either Saturday evening or Sunday afternoon and explain to him that I want him to look for an apartment. (We rent so it is not unfair that I do this. Both of us will need a new place to live.) Last night just sealed the deal for me. I had a friend in from out of town and for some reason he was extremely candid with her, admitting his faults in our marriage. It was actually kind of freaky, like he said almost verbatim what I complain about with him that he denies any responsibility for! He admitted that he is lazy and horrible with money and unfair in our marriage. But it was weird, it was kind of like he was boasting in a way about it. And then the kicker. He admitted to my friend how he takes Kratom, a legal drug similar to opiates. I knew he was taking it and that is one of the many reasons I want out. 2 years ago he took it and I talked to him until I was blue in the face about the many reasons I do not want him taking it. He said he would stop and then started again (at least I found him out) and excused it by saying it is not bad for your health and its 'just like a pain pill.' Well...last night I found out that he is addicted to it. My friend knows about this drug, and I do too from what I have read online, and she confirmed (what I already knew but was probably in denial about) that he is in fact addicted to it and blowing all of our money on it. For more than a year I have been trying to wrap my head around where all of his money goes and could not figure it out save for the needless crap he buys constantly. Apparently he is spending $100 and more on Kratom each week. I also realize that he has opiate addictions and random RX pill popping habits. I randomly find anti-anxiety and anti-depressant pills in odd places and my mother left a bottle full of Xanax at our house and it mysteriously disappeared. On another occassion just a couple weeks ago, I found another bottle of Xanax from my mother (she used to live with us not long ago) and placed it in a bag with some of her other stuff, in the very bottom and back corner of one of MY personal cupboard spaces in the bathroom. I went to retrieve it last week to give it to her and it was gone. His explanation: "I threw it away." Really!?! You threw it away? How in the heck did you come upon it in the first place, and secondly why in world would you throw away someone else's RX? I am just done. He makes really good money and I see none of it. We have nothing. No savings, no IRA....he doesn't even have health insurance or life insurance. That is another thing I have been asking of him for more than a year. He would rather buy Kratom and pills than go to the doctor or ensure I can at least pay to bury his arse if he were to pass away suddenly. I now see the light. Kratom additction can be a very serious thing. And we are dealing not only with Kratom, but also random RX pills which are prescribed to him. It is so odd to me that he would do this as I have asked and asked that he see someone because to me it is obvious he is depressed. He denies it and refuses to see someone. He even refused to go to MC with me last year when I asked him to. End of conversation. I really do not know if the chicken or the egg came first, but he is lazy to a fault, dirty, poor hygeine, heroic and epic snoring, stays awake til all hours of the morning and sleeps through the afternoon, confused sometimes, out of character, generally sickly and falling apart at just a few weeks shy of age 33. He is hunched over like an old man and cannot bend his neck backwards. He is not physically active at all and never does stretches to help with his neck and back. He lies to me and says he does. But it is obvious he does not. He has not even been to the dentist in more than 3 years. I am just so sick and tired and done. I have, myself, gotten sicker and more unhealthy throughout our marriage. I am trying to change this and that is why I started going to the gym months back. I changed my diet and I eat better now. I am now taking music classes for fun. He refuses to join me in any of these activities. I see a point of no return. Wish me luck as I talk to him about moving out in just a couple days. I just worry as now I realize he has a full fledged addiction...I just want to get through this and return to health and happiness and freedom. Thanks for reading. | |||
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