A new perspective ..

I am in no way taking responsibility or justifying my husbands actions .. lately my husband has been cold, withdrawn, insensitive, frustrated, aggravated, irritated and so on ... I have seen many changes, a few red flags and he is been in panic mode, he wants to run, be alone and hide. So far he is trying to work through the negative thoughts and emotions because he loves me ... His PTSD stems from an unhealthy childhood, 20 yrs Air Force Oklahoma City federal building bombings, Oklahoma tornados of 99, Irag for 1 yr, ER medic. He has seem many horrific situations.. dead babies and children, complete destruction of homes and lives, the faces and emotions of family when they've lost someone they love, many accidents and suicides that have not made it out of ER alive ... theres too much to list. I am trying to take a step back as his wife and be a best friend to him while he goes through this cycle. I am educating myself, the more knowledge and understanding I have the better for both of us. I knew he had gone though a lot, he has talked to me before but not to this extent. He has really opened up and confided in me. He has done this because I have let him be, I have stopped nagging him, I am taking responsibility for my contribution. I am being his friend with no expectations or explanations. Loving someone is hard .. I am realizing that I have made a lot of this about me. I have been selfish. I have had the adult temper tantrum because I'm not getting what I want. I want attention and right now he is unable to give me that .. My husband is my best friend regardless of our outcome as a married couple. We might not make it through this but I have hope .. We are both introverts and very independent people, we both do not want to be dependent on one another... this is just one of the reasons why we fell in love .. I am not a betty homemaker, I don't want to cook every night, I don't want to be at home waiting for him every night. I am a free spirit and I require individuality and freedom. I cant live by schedules. I change my mind often and sometimes its annoying, im annoying. .. I love with all my heart .. no exceptions .. My husband knew all these great things when he met me... I have insecurities and I act on raw emotions .. I am me.. Theres a huge difference between wanting and needing ... I don't need my husband in my life, I WANT him in my life. This road called life is full of the unknown. We are all individuals with different ways of thinking and a different thought process... Im sure there will be many tears, highs and lows... Self discovery, awareness and reflection are amazing tools :)

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