| MODS, Feel free to move this to another section if you find it appropriate. A caveat if you will... The language used may come off as sexist as it is written about men – However that is not intentional – simply put, I myself am a heterosexual woman that was in a horrible relationship with a man that did these things so that's why it's worded this way. Men do not corner the market on d0uchbaggery and all of the things written here can apply to d0uchbaguettes (women) as well. 1. You can't change someone else. Sometimes, someone treats you badly because you've treated them badly. In that case, you can try to create a more harmonious situation by "being the change you wish to see in the world" and leading by example. A lot of marital advice books suggest that you do this, act "as if" your relationship was the way you wanted and the benefits will follow. However, some people are just d0uche bags and no matter how good you are to them, they'll find a reason to treat you like scum. You'll do yourself a whole world of good and save yourself a lot of time by getting to know the difference. 2. Judge a man's intentions by his actions, not by his words. Like McDonald's talk is cheap, quick and easy but it doesn't satisfy for long. If his words don't match his actions, then ignore his words and look at his actions and you'll know where his mind is. If he promises to do X on Saturday but when Saturday comes, always has an excuse as to why X can't happen – he doesn't want to do X. 3. How a man talks about his exes and his past relationships is how he will also describe you and your relationship with him if it ends. Every relationship has highs and lows. Every person has good traits and bad. Look at what he says about why the relationship ended. How much responsibility does he take for his side in the outcome of those relationships? What did he learn from those relationships? Does he notice where he went wrong or does he blame the other person and play the victim? If by his description, all of his exes were mean, *****es or downright crazy then it is possible that he only dates mean, crazy, *****es but it's even more likely that he's a perpetual victim and doesn't hold himself accountable for his share of the problems. 4. A man that will lie about the little, insignificant things will lie about the big things too. A lie by omission is still a lie. Even if he doesn't appear to lie to you, if you catch him lying to the other significant people in his life, then that's a huge red flag. 5. A man that uses generalities or blanket statements like, "Women are crazy." "Women are hard to deal with." "Women aren't funny." "Relationships with women are hard." Etc. probably doesn't like women. 6. "I'm a man/woman and all men/women do this. (So therefore it's natural that I do this bad behaviour too) is not a good excuse for bad behavior. 7. Terms I wish I knew before although I'm sorry to have learned them this way are: GASLIGHTING and PROJECTION. 8. It's been said but it definitely helps to look at the way he talks about his mother. Even if his mother is a difficult person – she probably has SOME redeeming qualities. Does he ignore those and focus only on the negative? Does he put her down behind her back and disrespect her? Does he fail to show appreciation for the things she does do for him and the family? Men tend to choose women who are like their own mothers. Once the "honeymoon period" of your relationship is over and the real conflicts between you arise, it's a safe bet that you'll find similarities between the way he regards you and mommy dearest. 9. A man who doesn't finish things probably can't commit to your relationship. Although they seem unrelated, look at his past or even present history of being able to finish things like: personal goals, house repairs, college degrees, and other projects. My most recent ex, dropped out of college in the last semester, has been working on the same 1.5 year real estate program for 5 years and his house is wrought with unfinished or un-started renovations and repairs that he's fully capable of doing. This has proven to be a reflection of his ability to commit and put in the necessary effort to make a relationship work. 10. Time is precious and often squandered by a pursuit of the unfaithful. The only thing certain about life is that you are born and then you die. Nobody knows when death will come a knocking. It could be tomorrow or fifty years from now. I am pro-reconciliation but I need to know when to cut my losses. If I died tomorrow, this (obsessing about betrayal) would not be the hill that I wished to die on. SOME MORE RED FLAGS: (Getting sooo tired of the term btw) 1. Admitted to cheating in the past - even if it was an exit or revenge affair. 2. Frequents or used to frequent strip clubs regularly. 3. Hangs out with men that cheat or have been violent towards women. 4. Drinks or does drugs on a daily basis. 5. Seems depressed but does not seek help. 6. Can't seem to finish projects – house repairs, college programs, other courses or goals. 7. Puts you in situations where you have to depend on him but doesn't follow through or show up. 8. Has an excessive amount of porn. 9. Uses misogynistic/sexist blanket statements about women. 10. Lies (even if only by omission), hides things, has an alibi for everything. 11. Accuses you of cheating when you never did. 12. Accuses you of flirting when you were just being friendly. 13. Talks badly about people closest to him – mother, brother, best-friends, coworkers, sister etc. 14. Envious of the success of others 15. Rubs your wrongdoings in your face and holds grudges while dismissing own bad behaviour. 16. Talks badly about all of his exes. 17. Is rude towards those he views as his inferiors. 18. Is unappreciative of the favours others do for him. 19. Asks others to do favours for him but doesn't return those favours. 20. Makes promises then makes excuses as to why he can't fulfill those promises. 21. Withholds affection or sex out of anger towards you. 22. Sulks and gives the silent-treatment instead of discussing conflicts. 23. Acts sullen, pouts and sulks if you don't give in to sex. 24. No amount of talking, reasoning, clearly stated needs etc. leads to them being met. 25. Twists your words around during arguments. 26. Doesn't apologize or admit to bad behaviour. It's the old, "hindsight is always 20/20". Feel free to comment or share some of your own lessons. | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment