I'm afraid I'm shutting down

I have previous posts for background, but here is where I am currently. H and I had another blow out...well, more than another..but the last one he finally pushed me to spilling everything. I still couldn't tell him I don't respect him (although I believe he knows this) but I did tell him I don't trust him. I told him that his "daddy" issues are getting old and his self worth/self esteem/happiness within himself is not my responsibility and frankly it's a burden. He promised me months ago he would go to IC with our counselor and work on his issues, of course that has not happened. I pointed that out. His excuse is he's busy, he works, he "helps" me with OUR children and I don't want him to have any time off. I told him if I had used "I'm busy" when he told me to seek IC (which I did!) that he would've told me my priorities sucked. Of course he says I am comparing myself to him to make him the bad guy. He tells me he is tired living with a cold and tuned out person, that I am 100% mom and no longer acting as wife. He is right. I am checked out and have been for awhile. I am trying to find my way back and failing so far. We had this last argument on Wednesday night. I thought he may call for counseling in Thu or Fri...nope! After finally getting my feelings out I went to bed late that night & watched him sleep. I felt bad for him, I hurt for him. I know he doesn't want to lose his family. I know he doesn't have the self worth that he should, and his compensating for that is what makes him such an azz. I felt his brokenness and, for the moment, some of my anger has dissipated. I am back to feeling pressing anxiety. I've never had an anxiety problem but it is becoming overwhelming. If I'm not anxious about his job, his school or our financial security, it's about him, our marriage, him simply being around when quite frankly I don't want him here. It's getting to the point I'm about to talk to my doctor. I am such a ball of mixed emotions, shutting down, anxiety, and hope that I don't know what to do. Posted via Mobile Device

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