Hello everyone.
I´ve been reading these pages for about 2 years and generally am able to cope with whatever happens in our relationship, but this time my bearings are all over the place. I really can´t recognise myself, compared to the man I was a few years ago. As a bit of a background:
- We´ve been together 15 years, never married
- 2 children, 13 and 9
- We moved back to our home country 6 years ago, after living abroad for 17. It was tough on everyone.
- I started my own business, my wife started a new job.
- Starting up was very hard, but it was harder not seeing my wife for weeks on end. She totally dived into this new job and, despite several chats about it, she seemed to never listen to my opinions and would always find a reason to not be home on time (she would work 12-14 days for the first 4 years). She travelled a lot and was always tired.
I understand that her job is demanding and she was trying to prove she was worth it, but on the other hand, was I, starting a business form scratch and at the same time having to be with the kids. Take them to school, pick them up, bathe them, cook dinner, go to PTA meetings, and all that goes with having children.
My wife was so absorbed in her world that we started drifting apart. I tried being as helpful as I could be, as much for the kids as I was for her. I would even charge her laptop the night before and checked her in for flights because she would be sleeping on the sofa, being as tired as she was. I was always the romantic, trying to come up with ways for us to be together, but tiredness or her job would overcome all my ideas.
I started to get really down, not performing professionally as I wished, my business slowed down and I was genuinely falling down a hole. It´s as if no one listened to me, but yet, I had no escape - kids were first.
I made a huge mistake - I met someone (I wasn´t looking for anyone, it simply happened) with whom I connected and for the first time in about 4 years I felt genuinely happy. I was smiling again. She made me feel there was hope, she made me feel love again. It didn´t last long, and we never had any physical (sexual) contact. We liked each other´s company and we liked feeling valued by one another. It was painful, but I ended it. This wasn´t the way to do things. I felt bad going behind her back, even though, by this time, I hated the very sight of my wife. I did tell my wife I was leaving (even without the other person in my life) and it was as if she woke up from a coma. None of our previous arguments worked to change her behaviour. In fact, it came to a point that as soon as any of us said "we need to talk", we would automatically shut down. Amongst all the commotion, she did find out about the other person. She was livid, and with good reason, because I was stupid enough (not only because I actually did it) but by not telling her what was going on - there was no excuse for what I did. At that point, she was ready to leave, she wanted to take the kids too.
She never left and confidence was slowly restored. I think, deep inside, she understood the reason for me to want to leave (even though she will never forgive me for what I did, and I understand that).
Things got better but slowly started to get back to where they were. She has now even more responsibility at work, working not only long ours at the office, but also from home. This year, she had to cancel 2 weeks holidays on separate occasions, due to work commitments.
Her life revolves around work, it´s her main responsibility. When she´s home, she´s so tired that everything gets left behind. She was´t like this before...
As we speak, she told me that she would leave early today (she´s travelling again and staying away for a whole week, then another whole week after that, but it´s almost 8pm and she´s still on her way back. This is constant.
She almost never cooks, it´s always me, she lays on the sofa after her day and falls asleep pretty quickly. She then either sleeps on the sofa, because she doesn´t have the strength to go to bed, or wakes up in the middle of the night and drags herself to bed, when I´m already sleeping. Sexual contact only happens if all the planets and stars align, which is usually when she´s on holiday (rare). She rarely initiates and, to be quite honest, I´m tired of being the one initiating and suggesting. She says so her self "I don´t make efforts to have sex if I don´t feel like it, I´m too tired. Either I feel like having it or not, and if I don´t, there´s no point".
I do honestly try to rationalise this and find explanations for her behaviour: "she´s tired, she works really hard, the office is not that close to home, she travels a lot, she has a lot of responsibilities, but I still love her and will have to put up with that". But it comes a point that I can´t seem to fool myself anymore. This feeling of revolte is stronger than me and I feel depressed all the time.
We´ve been saying that it would be good to move closer to where she works, but it´s been 5 years and we´re still here. We never seem to have the time.
I´m even trying to find a 9-5 job so I can force her to be more careful with her schedule, since she relies on me being flexible with my business and really abuses it.
I have no ideia what to do. I feel trapped, I know I still love her, but I´m on the edge of mental illness!
How do people cope?..
Help...
I´ve been reading these pages for about 2 years and generally am able to cope with whatever happens in our relationship, but this time my bearings are all over the place. I really can´t recognise myself, compared to the man I was a few years ago. As a bit of a background:
- We´ve been together 15 years, never married
- 2 children, 13 and 9
- We moved back to our home country 6 years ago, after living abroad for 17. It was tough on everyone.
- I started my own business, my wife started a new job.
- Starting up was very hard, but it was harder not seeing my wife for weeks on end. She totally dived into this new job and, despite several chats about it, she seemed to never listen to my opinions and would always find a reason to not be home on time (she would work 12-14 days for the first 4 years). She travelled a lot and was always tired.
I understand that her job is demanding and she was trying to prove she was worth it, but on the other hand, was I, starting a business form scratch and at the same time having to be with the kids. Take them to school, pick them up, bathe them, cook dinner, go to PTA meetings, and all that goes with having children.
My wife was so absorbed in her world that we started drifting apart. I tried being as helpful as I could be, as much for the kids as I was for her. I would even charge her laptop the night before and checked her in for flights because she would be sleeping on the sofa, being as tired as she was. I was always the romantic, trying to come up with ways for us to be together, but tiredness or her job would overcome all my ideas.
I started to get really down, not performing professionally as I wished, my business slowed down and I was genuinely falling down a hole. It´s as if no one listened to me, but yet, I had no escape - kids were first.
I made a huge mistake - I met someone (I wasn´t looking for anyone, it simply happened) with whom I connected and for the first time in about 4 years I felt genuinely happy. I was smiling again. She made me feel there was hope, she made me feel love again. It didn´t last long, and we never had any physical (sexual) contact. We liked each other´s company and we liked feeling valued by one another. It was painful, but I ended it. This wasn´t the way to do things. I felt bad going behind her back, even though, by this time, I hated the very sight of my wife. I did tell my wife I was leaving (even without the other person in my life) and it was as if she woke up from a coma. None of our previous arguments worked to change her behaviour. In fact, it came to a point that as soon as any of us said "we need to talk", we would automatically shut down. Amongst all the commotion, she did find out about the other person. She was livid, and with good reason, because I was stupid enough (not only because I actually did it) but by not telling her what was going on - there was no excuse for what I did. At that point, she was ready to leave, she wanted to take the kids too.
She never left and confidence was slowly restored. I think, deep inside, she understood the reason for me to want to leave (even though she will never forgive me for what I did, and I understand that).
Things got better but slowly started to get back to where they were. She has now even more responsibility at work, working not only long ours at the office, but also from home. This year, she had to cancel 2 weeks holidays on separate occasions, due to work commitments.
Her life revolves around work, it´s her main responsibility. When she´s home, she´s so tired that everything gets left behind. She was´t like this before...
As we speak, she told me that she would leave early today (she´s travelling again and staying away for a whole week, then another whole week after that, but it´s almost 8pm and she´s still on her way back. This is constant.
She almost never cooks, it´s always me, she lays on the sofa after her day and falls asleep pretty quickly. She then either sleeps on the sofa, because she doesn´t have the strength to go to bed, or wakes up in the middle of the night and drags herself to bed, when I´m already sleeping. Sexual contact only happens if all the planets and stars align, which is usually when she´s on holiday (rare). She rarely initiates and, to be quite honest, I´m tired of being the one initiating and suggesting. She says so her self "I don´t make efforts to have sex if I don´t feel like it, I´m too tired. Either I feel like having it or not, and if I don´t, there´s no point".
I do honestly try to rationalise this and find explanations for her behaviour: "she´s tired, she works really hard, the office is not that close to home, she travels a lot, she has a lot of responsibilities, but I still love her and will have to put up with that". But it comes a point that I can´t seem to fool myself anymore. This feeling of revolte is stronger than me and I feel depressed all the time.
We´ve been saying that it would be good to move closer to where she works, but it´s been 5 years and we´re still here. We never seem to have the time.
I´m even trying to find a 9-5 job so I can force her to be more careful with her schedule, since she relies on me being flexible with my business and really abuses it.
I have no ideia what to do. I feel trapped, I know I still love her, but I´m on the edge of mental illness!
How do people cope?..
Help...
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