Hi there first time poster with a really big issue. First off I would like to start by saying . . . honestly our relationship is so bad off I don't know if there is a relationship there at all or just total guilt and the inability for either of us to part due to financial situations. And I apologize now for how long this is going to be, this is the first time talking about this to someone other than my mother so there is a lot to get out? lol.
My partner (28) and I (28) have been together since early 2008 and from go I should have seen some warning signs when I came home from work late one day and found myself locked totally out of his house (where I had been staying for about 4 months at this point); his reasoning is I must have been lying and off cheating. We're both damaged people coming from broken homes and our own masses of bad relationships so I cut him some slack and decided to be very careful to make him feel secure and see that he IS the apple of my eye.
Yea no within the first year my "friends list" was down to him, my mother, and a female friend, and honestly it didn't bother me too much I'm not really a social person and I don't like going out. It was around this time tho he was getting very edgy about me being a waitress working 3rds and my boss was now a threat. I quit that job and started to waitress second shift; at a job that treated me so badly that I now have a lawsuit against them, right about the time I stopped that job he suggested I don't look for a new one right away since we we're moving he had long hours at his job and wanted me around to set the house up. (You know decor, all the connect you to blah people ect ect) I agreed because we just moved from a place we never even unpacked in and because I was still having a lot of issues thanks to the last place. All was good and our world was right for a good long while. . . as long as I didn't bring up ME getting a job.
About 6 months after this there was a car accident with an uninsured driver that left us vehicle-less, his ribs broken, half my face paralyzed and mouth looking like a sharp toothed jack-o-lantern. Only needing to have liability in my state for insurance we had nothing to help us out with this rough time since we were only covered if the accident was our fault . . . blah blah I'm sure ya'll know how insurance works. Needless to say I felt terrible and now being on a very fixed income ect I told him not to worry about me I'm a big girl I could tough it out for a while. I won't lie tho this threw me into a massive depression and I still can't look in a mirror without being disgusted in myself and talking to people in public? Forget about it! I'd say within another 6 months he finally decided to throw me being jobless into our arguments. I had a lot of rejection thanks to my looks and I dealt with it kept on trying. One day after a couple weeks of hard core job hunting my mother came over freaking out that she hasn't been able to get ahold of me all week. I was confused and went to check the house phone (yes we still use a land line lol) and it wasn't there! We tore the house apart and when we finally found the phone it was in between the mattresses in our guest bedroom with about 50+ missed calls and about 20 voice mails . . . which was actually me getting and loosing a handful of jobs that week. First time I shrugged it off but after the second and third it became obvious he didn't want me working at all just to yell at me about it when he felt fit.
By now we're nearing the middle of 2011 and I've had enough. I try to just break it off with him not caring I have no where to go, no money, no job, no car, no real identity at this point because my life had been reduced down to staying at home and walking on eggshells constantly just to not set him off. This caused him to decide to take his own life, and it was almost successful, but because of that I stopped trying to leave him; I already know I cannot live with the guilt it would bring me to be the factor that caused someone to take their life. We decide to move again try to start fresh and blah.
It was good we still had our 'normal' fights here and there but it seemed to have actually gotten better, and all was 'normal' until last year. Last June I lost my best friend, and he started working two jobs. (two jobs sounds bad since I have none but honestly neither me or the house see any of this money it's ALL his) Over the years he has also started hating on my mother pretty intensely which has made it increasingly difficult to spend time with her because my choice is spend time with her fight with him later or spend time by myself and maybe not fight with him later. So yep now he is my ONLY person. And that leaves us where we are now. . . and I'm at a total loss we've been together for years and I literally have nothing but him, my pets, and him, and well I want to explain things more but I'm just not sure how . . . I'm just going to start listing some things I guess. . . sorry really new at this.
- This whole time with me not working he gives me a $50 allowance every month. At the same time tho I have NONE of our banking info, check book/debt card, nothing BUT I'm expected to pay attention to the finances and be the person who talks to the people on the phone about accounts/payments/setting everything up. He gives me a number I have to make it work and well if it goes over it's going to be a bad day for me. Downside is the $50 I get has to cover my 'personal' things like clothes, tampons, dish soap, sponges, pretty much anything HE would not use. This said I have not even gotten a new outfit for myself in at least 3+ years.
- With him working 2 jobs I have one day a week I get to spend with him the whole day. I know he is tired so I have no issues letting him sleep, but it's to the point all he wants to do is have sex eat and then go back to sleep. I try to come up with things for us to do to either get ignored or told no which I find very hurtful, and yes I've told him it does.
- Being that he is like the only person I have to talk to in my life other than my mother I try to talk to him a lot which just results in rage. If I don't say anything at all I'm a *****, if I talk I'm told to shut the **** up, and I will barely ask him questions anymore because every time anything I say something that sounds like a question he responds with "WHAT?!?!" Example: Just tonight we were sitting at the pc watching a news thing he was acting annoyed so I asked if he wanted me to give him some alone time I would go do something else. He very rudely told me no he was just bored. I try to come up with something for us to do and before I know it he is in the other room watching TV, I shrug it off get up to get a drink and going back to the room he stopped me and asked if "I was going to ****ing bed yet so he could use the computer" I just stood there for a few minutes looking at him with that 'are you serious face' and told him I don't need to be asleep for him to use the pc I had just told him he could and I would go do something else he told me no and now it's I need to go to bed? I had literally just offered him what he is yelling at me for not giving him.
- I try to get him to go to counseling or something with me so we can get real help to fix these things that we're "working" on he agrees, but never ends up going. I've set up about a dozen appointments now and have yet to make it to a single one. I honestly feel like a 3rd party person to hear our issues would help. Someone else to say look she's emotional and angry and you both have issues but for change to happen you can't use the reasoning of "I'll change when you do" which is what he does I know I have my faults and I'm not a perfect person but to use that to justify being mean to me is not right. He says I don't clean enough and that's why he is mad so for the next month he comes home to a spotless house, does his attitude change? No he just picks something different to nit pick and mentally beat me down over. Sorry I didn't have time to make you those sweet potato chips I said I would I was busy cleaning the house like it was a hospital, making dinner, doing laundry, t aking care of the animals, walking the dog, and taking an hour out to talk to my mom on FB because now I have NO phone and it's the only way I can talk to her and if I don't I feel like I've literally spent my whole day in isolation.
Well, I think I'm going to stop here since this is already massive long and I could keep going and going >.< I know my relationship is bad and most advice is probably going to be to leave him, and maybe I'm just another 'dumb girl' grasping at straws but I love him dearly even with all his faults. And at least I can say he's never hit me . . .but I'm also pretty sure at this point I'd rather be beat than the mental beat down I receive daily. I'm just at my limit with everything and honestly no longer feel like a human just something that is there a waste of space and a burden. Any help/advice would be awesome any questions are OK too I know there are prob a lot of gaps with what I said and I know I left a lot out.
Thanks everyone. :)
My partner (28) and I (28) have been together since early 2008 and from go I should have seen some warning signs when I came home from work late one day and found myself locked totally out of his house (where I had been staying for about 4 months at this point); his reasoning is I must have been lying and off cheating. We're both damaged people coming from broken homes and our own masses of bad relationships so I cut him some slack and decided to be very careful to make him feel secure and see that he IS the apple of my eye.
Yea no within the first year my "friends list" was down to him, my mother, and a female friend, and honestly it didn't bother me too much I'm not really a social person and I don't like going out. It was around this time tho he was getting very edgy about me being a waitress working 3rds and my boss was now a threat. I quit that job and started to waitress second shift; at a job that treated me so badly that I now have a lawsuit against them, right about the time I stopped that job he suggested I don't look for a new one right away since we we're moving he had long hours at his job and wanted me around to set the house up. (You know decor, all the connect you to blah people ect ect) I agreed because we just moved from a place we never even unpacked in and because I was still having a lot of issues thanks to the last place. All was good and our world was right for a good long while. . . as long as I didn't bring up ME getting a job.
About 6 months after this there was a car accident with an uninsured driver that left us vehicle-less, his ribs broken, half my face paralyzed and mouth looking like a sharp toothed jack-o-lantern. Only needing to have liability in my state for insurance we had nothing to help us out with this rough time since we were only covered if the accident was our fault . . . blah blah I'm sure ya'll know how insurance works. Needless to say I felt terrible and now being on a very fixed income ect I told him not to worry about me I'm a big girl I could tough it out for a while. I won't lie tho this threw me into a massive depression and I still can't look in a mirror without being disgusted in myself and talking to people in public? Forget about it! I'd say within another 6 months he finally decided to throw me being jobless into our arguments. I had a lot of rejection thanks to my looks and I dealt with it kept on trying. One day after a couple weeks of hard core job hunting my mother came over freaking out that she hasn't been able to get ahold of me all week. I was confused and went to check the house phone (yes we still use a land line lol) and it wasn't there! We tore the house apart and when we finally found the phone it was in between the mattresses in our guest bedroom with about 50+ missed calls and about 20 voice mails . . . which was actually me getting and loosing a handful of jobs that week. First time I shrugged it off but after the second and third it became obvious he didn't want me working at all just to yell at me about it when he felt fit.
By now we're nearing the middle of 2011 and I've had enough. I try to just break it off with him not caring I have no where to go, no money, no job, no car, no real identity at this point because my life had been reduced down to staying at home and walking on eggshells constantly just to not set him off. This caused him to decide to take his own life, and it was almost successful, but because of that I stopped trying to leave him; I already know I cannot live with the guilt it would bring me to be the factor that caused someone to take their life. We decide to move again try to start fresh and blah.
It was good we still had our 'normal' fights here and there but it seemed to have actually gotten better, and all was 'normal' until last year. Last June I lost my best friend, and he started working two jobs. (two jobs sounds bad since I have none but honestly neither me or the house see any of this money it's ALL his) Over the years he has also started hating on my mother pretty intensely which has made it increasingly difficult to spend time with her because my choice is spend time with her fight with him later or spend time by myself and maybe not fight with him later. So yep now he is my ONLY person. And that leaves us where we are now. . . and I'm at a total loss we've been together for years and I literally have nothing but him, my pets, and him, and well I want to explain things more but I'm just not sure how . . . I'm just going to start listing some things I guess. . . sorry really new at this.
- This whole time with me not working he gives me a $50 allowance every month. At the same time tho I have NONE of our banking info, check book/debt card, nothing BUT I'm expected to pay attention to the finances and be the person who talks to the people on the phone about accounts/payments/setting everything up. He gives me a number I have to make it work and well if it goes over it's going to be a bad day for me. Downside is the $50 I get has to cover my 'personal' things like clothes, tampons, dish soap, sponges, pretty much anything HE would not use. This said I have not even gotten a new outfit for myself in at least 3+ years.
- With him working 2 jobs I have one day a week I get to spend with him the whole day. I know he is tired so I have no issues letting him sleep, but it's to the point all he wants to do is have sex eat and then go back to sleep. I try to come up with things for us to do to either get ignored or told no which I find very hurtful, and yes I've told him it does.
- Being that he is like the only person I have to talk to in my life other than my mother I try to talk to him a lot which just results in rage. If I don't say anything at all I'm a *****, if I talk I'm told to shut the **** up, and I will barely ask him questions anymore because every time anything I say something that sounds like a question he responds with "WHAT?!?!" Example: Just tonight we were sitting at the pc watching a news thing he was acting annoyed so I asked if he wanted me to give him some alone time I would go do something else. He very rudely told me no he was just bored. I try to come up with something for us to do and before I know it he is in the other room watching TV, I shrug it off get up to get a drink and going back to the room he stopped me and asked if "I was going to ****ing bed yet so he could use the computer" I just stood there for a few minutes looking at him with that 'are you serious face' and told him I don't need to be asleep for him to use the pc I had just told him he could and I would go do something else he told me no and now it's I need to go to bed? I had literally just offered him what he is yelling at me for not giving him.
- I try to get him to go to counseling or something with me so we can get real help to fix these things that we're "working" on he agrees, but never ends up going. I've set up about a dozen appointments now and have yet to make it to a single one. I honestly feel like a 3rd party person to hear our issues would help. Someone else to say look she's emotional and angry and you both have issues but for change to happen you can't use the reasoning of "I'll change when you do" which is what he does I know I have my faults and I'm not a perfect person but to use that to justify being mean to me is not right. He says I don't clean enough and that's why he is mad so for the next month he comes home to a spotless house, does his attitude change? No he just picks something different to nit pick and mentally beat me down over. Sorry I didn't have time to make you those sweet potato chips I said I would I was busy cleaning the house like it was a hospital, making dinner, doing laundry, t aking care of the animals, walking the dog, and taking an hour out to talk to my mom on FB because now I have NO phone and it's the only way I can talk to her and if I don't I feel like I've literally spent my whole day in isolation.
Well, I think I'm going to stop here since this is already massive long and I could keep going and going >.< I know my relationship is bad and most advice is probably going to be to leave him, and maybe I'm just another 'dumb girl' grasping at straws but I love him dearly even with all his faults. And at least I can say he's never hit me . . .but I'm also pretty sure at this point I'd rather be beat than the mental beat down I receive daily. I'm just at my limit with everything and honestly no longer feel like a human just something that is there a waste of space and a burden. Any help/advice would be awesome any questions are OK too I know there are prob a lot of gaps with what I said and I know I left a lot out.
Thanks everyone. :)
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