It seems I always accept affection from bad men and think that I just don't deserve any better.
In my last serious relationship I was raped and hurt and it's taken me months to get over and then suddenly a friend from years ago got in touch. We used to hang out lots and he wanted to be with me but I had a boyfriend, we used to flirt quite a bit and I missed old times. He'd pick me up in his car recently and before this he told me we should go for drinks and see what happens and that he used to really want to be with me. He started touching my thighs and kissing my neck and I got really upset the first few weeks due to my past, I just felt like I couldn't go through with it. Few weeks later I did sleep with him, but only in his car and once one night at his house when all of his family were out. He never introduced me to his family or acknowledged us to any of his friends. I had sex with him most nights in a car. He has said things that have made me a bit shocked such as he doesn't need escorts because he gets stuff for free with me and make comments about how ho t I was and sending me pictures off my old facebook, I found these a bit weird as I was 13/14 in those pictures and he was telling me I should dye my hair brown again but I'm allergic to the dyes so I can't. He's also purposely grabbed my hand before when I've been joking and got mad at me asking if I wanted him to break my fingers.
It got a bit worse when he went to London as I realised I was weeks late and stupidly I'd still had sex when I was feeling a little ill. Fortunately I wasn't pregnant just some medication I was on for an operation had delayed my period. Before I went to doctors though he picked me up and locked his car doors and said if I was pregnant he'd kick me in the stomach. After I'd gone home he was sending me messages saying if I didn't have an abortion he'd kill himself and it would be all my fault. Now I don't think he could actually be more distant from me if he tried. Tbf I don't know what the hell he wants from me, we hang out on a Friday night with friends and he came to mine to help me do gardening yesterday but then kinda just left and drove off after a while without saying much. I don't know if the saying he's had his cake and has eaten it could be applied here. The thing is how do I stop letting myself get hurt in situations like this. Its crazy but feels like I just accept what I get because I feel like I don't deserve and won't get any better.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment