Ok, some history before I start....
My mom history, background and attitude:
- A single mother who raised me since when I was still 7 years old
- Age 74 this year
- Prefer people to follow her way of doing things
- Don't talk much and picky in food (mostly due to health concern such as seafood, mushroom, seelcted fish type and selected green vege - she is a bit paranoid of healthy lifestyle and have this mindset of 'if I don't take good care of myself, and if I fall sick, I'm the 1 will be having pain - not others)
- A very good home cooker, cleaner
- Stay together with me and my wife
And for my wife:
- A bit more sensitive than most girls that I know of (about the same age)
- Easily stress and not the optimistic type of person
- Quite a bad temper
- Like to dig old issue that we already agreed not to do that (although we have discussed it and solved it as well)
- Not a good cooker (yet)
- been married to me for 1 year
Those listed are not the complete list, but are those I find it related to this topic.
The story:
Ok, about 2++ months ago, my mom undergo the 'total knee replacement' operation and due to that, both me and I need to re-arrange our time to spend more time with her. During the hospitalization time, there is no problem as 1 of our relative is here to help out. But when my mom come back from hospital,
our relative have to go back. Thus, leaving 2 of us to take care of her. But because both of us still need to work (our annual leave is not a lot), so I decided to take turn with my wife - such as Mon, Weds, and Fri I'll work from home. Tues and Thurs my wife will stay at home and work. During this time, whoever that are staying at home will need to prepare both lunch and dinner. Sometimes the lunch is not home cook but rather from outside (bought it) and the dinner will be home cook.
During this period of time, I can sense my wife feel more stress then before. Both of us have work to handle and sometimes we have no choice but still need to work the extra time at night.
As for me, I still can manage my time but, it is not that well for my wife. FYI, both of us work in the same company but different team.
When we were cooking the meal, my mom will sometime drop by the kitchen and take a look. Sometimes she feel the way we cook the dishes is not the right way, she will direct and give comment. Just that sometimes the way she talk, my wife couldn't take it. Well, she did try to understand that my mom is old...so just let it be. Myself also practice the same kind of approach when my wife share with me....to her is a stress, not saying her advice is bad, just that is a stress to her and the way my mom communicate, is hard to achieve my mom standard.
Last 2 week, there is a case problem. My wife decided to cook a dish and is her 1st time cooking it. She follow some receipt book or something from the Internet, and try to cook it for our dinner that night. She ask me not to help out ... but ya, I still try to help on cleaning up the plate and the ingredients accordingly. This is normal for me to do...more like accompany my wife. During the meal time, my mom asked whether the dish that my wife cooked, is it the ingredients that we used are from the fridge? I told her no, but is something bought from some shops by my wife. Then, my mom asked why we didn't use the ingredient that was already available in the fridge? So we told her we don't know there is....well, that is where my wife started to really piss off in her mind. She hinted me and I feel a mixture of 'i need to protect my wife' and at the same time the feeling of 'nevermind, my mom is old, let her talk'. So I did reply my mom that this is something different from the shop that my wife bought from and we don't know how to use the ingredients and mix it for the dish that my wife want to prepare for us.
That night, I believe apart from that* event, my wife reached her limit....she just very upset and feels I didn't protect her AND it is always something bad from my mom to whatever dishes she prepared throughout the time. Before this, I mean before my mom undergo the operation, my mom used to cook the dinner at home and when we back from work, we will have the dinner (sometime together, sometime due to late, she have it first). Then we we will clean the plate and table as well. My wife mostly cook only on weekend -cause that is the only time for us.
That night, she was so pissed of....that I have to sleep in another room. Things doesn't get better on the next morning. Starting that day, my wife just won't talk to my mom. My mom feel it and she did asked me. I just simply tell her that 'mom, sometimes I think you need to let other people to use their own way - rather than yours when preparing meals and if really there is comment, I think there are better way of expressing it. Not saying the comment is not helpful, but the way of expressing it...is not nice especially when someone that seldom cook is trying to do it. Some words of encouragement before any advice given.'
My mom feels weird and think why a comments will give stress to my wife and make her feeling ....down. Technically to speak, both of them don't know well each other which I think is normal...for a newly wed and spend most of the time in office.
She even posted her feeling and some story of it to Facebook, resulted her* family feel the heat and they called my phone. It was a nightmare as, I have to respect them as relative* and try to elaborate the details. Although the facebook post is only visible to selected 'family' members and some of our close friends, I feel it is too much and not needed.
Cut thing short, my wife want me to do something...she want me to talk to my mom about it. So I did, and 3 of us in the living hall where I talked the most. Instead of pointing finger to my mom, I told to both of them that starting today* I think this house should only have 1 leader and that should be me. Coming from Christian background, it was my mistake for not enforcing it at the beginning. So now I try to communicate it to both of them and indirectly tell my mom and my wife to give more encouragement words, and if there is part involve decision making, the final decision will still be me....well, both of them still can give ideas but the final call will still be me....and if the decision does not result good, none insult or bad comment should be given, in fact some type of encouragement words should be given.
Due to take event, my wife feels that my mom don't see face to face to her and because of that, she did the same to her. She feel stress at the home and want to go back to her mom place. Well she did, but due to certain reason, she still have to come back. Well, I did convince her to come back as well.
But she still very stress and prefer my mom to move out....and she just don't know how to face/deal with my mom.
And my wife keep on digging back the previous case where my mom give comment, or when she just give black face, etc, and basically anything bad about her, she will just nag about it again and again. I told her changes take time and we shouldn't bring back a very long issue when it was discussed and solved previously. I told her that not everyone is perfect, even both of us has our pro and cons,but she will still continue with it. I'll just keep quiet and find my time to reply her accordingly cause I feel at that time she just hate my mom...
By the way, to add on, we agreed to ask our church pastor to help us, guide us....and become our listener as well. He also talked to my mom about it.
The problem is, I feel that we have come to a point where my wife just really stress and hate it when at home...since my mom is around and also, my mom feels less to face/talk to my wife - scare she say the wrong words make the situation worsen.
I did tell my wife that is not my mother don't want to improve on things that we think can, but it just takes time. The problem is, my wife feel very stress when at home and expect my mom to talk to her first...or something....cause she just too stress to face her again.
Sorry for the long post, but I'm trying to put everything that might caused this. So if anyone have any idea on how to approach this I'll be grateful.
My mom history, background and attitude:
- A single mother who raised me since when I was still 7 years old
- Age 74 this year
- Prefer people to follow her way of doing things
- Don't talk much and picky in food (mostly due to health concern such as seafood, mushroom, seelcted fish type and selected green vege - she is a bit paranoid of healthy lifestyle and have this mindset of 'if I don't take good care of myself, and if I fall sick, I'm the 1 will be having pain - not others)
- A very good home cooker, cleaner
- Stay together with me and my wife
And for my wife:
- A bit more sensitive than most girls that I know of (about the same age)
- Easily stress and not the optimistic type of person
- Quite a bad temper
- Like to dig old issue that we already agreed not to do that (although we have discussed it and solved it as well)
- Not a good cooker (yet)
- been married to me for 1 year
Those listed are not the complete list, but are those I find it related to this topic.
The story:
Ok, about 2++ months ago, my mom undergo the 'total knee replacement' operation and due to that, both me and I need to re-arrange our time to spend more time with her. During the hospitalization time, there is no problem as 1 of our relative is here to help out. But when my mom come back from hospital,
our relative have to go back. Thus, leaving 2 of us to take care of her. But because both of us still need to work (our annual leave is not a lot), so I decided to take turn with my wife - such as Mon, Weds, and Fri I'll work from home. Tues and Thurs my wife will stay at home and work. During this time, whoever that are staying at home will need to prepare both lunch and dinner. Sometimes the lunch is not home cook but rather from outside (bought it) and the dinner will be home cook.
During this period of time, I can sense my wife feel more stress then before. Both of us have work to handle and sometimes we have no choice but still need to work the extra time at night.
As for me, I still can manage my time but, it is not that well for my wife. FYI, both of us work in the same company but different team.
When we were cooking the meal, my mom will sometime drop by the kitchen and take a look. Sometimes she feel the way we cook the dishes is not the right way, she will direct and give comment. Just that sometimes the way she talk, my wife couldn't take it. Well, she did try to understand that my mom is old...so just let it be. Myself also practice the same kind of approach when my wife share with me....to her is a stress, not saying her advice is bad, just that is a stress to her and the way my mom communicate, is hard to achieve my mom standard.
Last 2 week, there is a case problem. My wife decided to cook a dish and is her 1st time cooking it. She follow some receipt book or something from the Internet, and try to cook it for our dinner that night. She ask me not to help out ... but ya, I still try to help on cleaning up the plate and the ingredients accordingly. This is normal for me to do...more like accompany my wife. During the meal time, my mom asked whether the dish that my wife cooked, is it the ingredients that we used are from the fridge? I told her no, but is something bought from some shops by my wife. Then, my mom asked why we didn't use the ingredient that was already available in the fridge? So we told her we don't know there is....well, that is where my wife started to really piss off in her mind. She hinted me and I feel a mixture of 'i need to protect my wife' and at the same time the feeling of 'nevermind, my mom is old, let her talk'. So I did reply my mom that this is something different from the shop that my wife bought from and we don't know how to use the ingredients and mix it for the dish that my wife want to prepare for us.
That night, I believe apart from that* event, my wife reached her limit....she just very upset and feels I didn't protect her AND it is always something bad from my mom to whatever dishes she prepared throughout the time. Before this, I mean before my mom undergo the operation, my mom used to cook the dinner at home and when we back from work, we will have the dinner (sometime together, sometime due to late, she have it first). Then we we will clean the plate and table as well. My wife mostly cook only on weekend -cause that is the only time for us.
That night, she was so pissed of....that I have to sleep in another room. Things doesn't get better on the next morning. Starting that day, my wife just won't talk to my mom. My mom feel it and she did asked me. I just simply tell her that 'mom, sometimes I think you need to let other people to use their own way - rather than yours when preparing meals and if really there is comment, I think there are better way of expressing it. Not saying the comment is not helpful, but the way of expressing it...is not nice especially when someone that seldom cook is trying to do it. Some words of encouragement before any advice given.'
My mom feels weird and think why a comments will give stress to my wife and make her feeling ....down. Technically to speak, both of them don't know well each other which I think is normal...for a newly wed and spend most of the time in office.
She even posted her feeling and some story of it to Facebook, resulted her* family feel the heat and they called my phone. It was a nightmare as, I have to respect them as relative* and try to elaborate the details. Although the facebook post is only visible to selected 'family' members and some of our close friends, I feel it is too much and not needed.
Cut thing short, my wife want me to do something...she want me to talk to my mom about it. So I did, and 3 of us in the living hall where I talked the most. Instead of pointing finger to my mom, I told to both of them that starting today* I think this house should only have 1 leader and that should be me. Coming from Christian background, it was my mistake for not enforcing it at the beginning. So now I try to communicate it to both of them and indirectly tell my mom and my wife to give more encouragement words, and if there is part involve decision making, the final decision will still be me....well, both of them still can give ideas but the final call will still be me....and if the decision does not result good, none insult or bad comment should be given, in fact some type of encouragement words should be given.
Due to take event, my wife feels that my mom don't see face to face to her and because of that, she did the same to her. She feel stress at the home and want to go back to her mom place. Well she did, but due to certain reason, she still have to come back. Well, I did convince her to come back as well.
But she still very stress and prefer my mom to move out....and she just don't know how to face/deal with my mom.
And my wife keep on digging back the previous case where my mom give comment, or when she just give black face, etc, and basically anything bad about her, she will just nag about it again and again. I told her changes take time and we shouldn't bring back a very long issue when it was discussed and solved previously. I told her that not everyone is perfect, even both of us has our pro and cons,but she will still continue with it. I'll just keep quiet and find my time to reply her accordingly cause I feel at that time she just hate my mom...
By the way, to add on, we agreed to ask our church pastor to help us, guide us....and become our listener as well. He also talked to my mom about it.
The problem is, I feel that we have come to a point where my wife just really stress and hate it when at home...since my mom is around and also, my mom feels less to face/talk to my wife - scare she say the wrong words make the situation worsen.
I did tell my wife that is not my mother don't want to improve on things that we think can, but it just takes time. The problem is, my wife feel very stress when at home and expect my mom to talk to her first...or something....cause she just too stress to face her again.
Sorry for the long post, but I'm trying to put everything that might caused this. So if anyone have any idea on how to approach this I'll be grateful.
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