Basically been together with the STBXW since 1989 in HS. Married in '93, 20 years married, 4 kids, and before my last deployment (military-army) she told me she no longer viewed herself as my wife, does not love me and wants a divorce. Said that just about month before I left in Aug 2012. This was after buying the retirement home in the area we both wanted to retire in where she could get a job. Was a horrible deployment dealing with this, discovering truths about her multi year relationship with an old "friend" in Chile, and not seeing or getting enough information or contact with the kids from her. I understand she did not want to deal with my PTSD any more (i became emotionally shunted, bad dreams etc) but when I was going through therapy before I left, so I could save the marriage, she was making plans with the guy from Chile- unbeknownst to me. I came back to the states in October and I still have issues with what she did to me an our family. I accep t there is no chance for reconciliation, she has already journeyed multiple times to see her new boyfriend, but a part of me still feels something for her. She hurt me and our kids, and I get angry at myself for still caring about her, which makes my blood boil when I see pictures of them together or when someone mentions his name. I do not want to get angry anymore, or make the mistake of calling her something in front of our kids. We are having a contested divorce because she is asking for too much from me where I could not survive on my own. That adds to the anger. I know I need to put it all behind me, but that is easier said than done. I am tired of being angry and hating. Thanks in advance.
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