I'm 50 yrs old, three kids, and am struggling with a marriage crisis. My W and I have just begun MC, and I'm looking for advice how to address blameshifting.
Most threads here seem to deal with the topic in the context of infidelity, but that's not the case in the situation confronting us at the moment.
The backstory is long and convoluted (maybe I can introduce some of it later), so I'll begin with an episode from 5 months ago that both encapsulates some of our problems but has also escalated our crisis considerably.
On our 22nd wedding anniversary (which we celebrated on an extended vacation without the kids) my W announced that she'd step down from a recent promotion because I "don't provide enough support." While it's true that I've not been enthusiastic about her taking the new position because it consumes vast amounts of time and energy without better pay, I've rearranged my own schedule in a major way to accommodate hers, make sure the kids don't come home to an empty and messy house, etc. I didn't want to raise any of this because it would have ruined our anniversary and so I changed the subject, but her remark stung. Hard. She had just dismissed major efforts on my part to make her career move work, and she blamed me for her decision to step down. I started to withdraw physically and emotionally.
The next phase involved major fights and confrontations over the following weeks and months. It began a few days later when she asked "what's wrong with you, why are you upset?" When I told her that I was still reeling from her anniversary comment, the responses came hard and fast: "You're living in the past." "You're unable to move on," "You'd be happier if I was dead" (the latter particularly devastating because she had gone through a cancer scare only 2 months earlier).
Things got worse after I refused to meet her Demand, yes, Demand that I simply forget about the whole thing without her taking ownership of the fact that she said hurtful things on our anniversary and afterwards. During conversations over the last couple of months, she called me a "dog," told me "We're finished," said our marriage was "a piece of paper," and asked me three times to divorce her.
As for my reactions: In similar situations in the past I used to respond with anger and rage that contributed to the downward spirals. After two years of IC (as well as reading TAM posts), I began to get a grip on my actions and reactions, learned to control myself, swallow hurtful words, take a breath, etc. In line with that, in the aftermath of the recent conflicts I told her firmly but calmly to stop talking about divorce, death, dogs, etc. On other occasions I simply told her to please stop, took her in my arms, stroked her face, and told her I loved her. None of this has enabled us to plateau. My calmer reactions in fact seem to enrage her further.
I have not let go of the notion that she needs to take responsibility for her words and actions in the last couple of months as a precondition for improving our situation. This, however, she has refused to do. During a recent phone call, she told me flat out, "I don't think I've done anything horrible." I then reminded her of some of the things she had said and done just a few days earlier ("You son of a *****," "You hate me," hitting herself in the face, throwing herself off the bed to the point where I had to physically restrain her, etc.). When I added that this seemed horrible to me indeed, she said: "YOU made me do that."
I recounted the last comment in MC, where my W and I developed our divergent narratives of what had happened since our anniversary: Me recalling some of the things she had said and done that had hurt me, disfigured our relationship, and dishonored our marriage vows, and she criticizing my inability to get over it already. Curiously, she immediately changed the subject when I recounted the "YOU made me do that" comment.
How to proceed from here on out, both in MC and beyond? I don't want to worsen our very fragile situation by belaboring the point, but I feel I'm onto something important here. What's an effective way to deal with blameshifting that actually stops it? Thoughts and shared wisdom anyone?
Most threads here seem to deal with the topic in the context of infidelity, but that's not the case in the situation confronting us at the moment.
The backstory is long and convoluted (maybe I can introduce some of it later), so I'll begin with an episode from 5 months ago that both encapsulates some of our problems but has also escalated our crisis considerably.
On our 22nd wedding anniversary (which we celebrated on an extended vacation without the kids) my W announced that she'd step down from a recent promotion because I "don't provide enough support." While it's true that I've not been enthusiastic about her taking the new position because it consumes vast amounts of time and energy without better pay, I've rearranged my own schedule in a major way to accommodate hers, make sure the kids don't come home to an empty and messy house, etc. I didn't want to raise any of this because it would have ruined our anniversary and so I changed the subject, but her remark stung. Hard. She had just dismissed major efforts on my part to make her career move work, and she blamed me for her decision to step down. I started to withdraw physically and emotionally.
The next phase involved major fights and confrontations over the following weeks and months. It began a few days later when she asked "what's wrong with you, why are you upset?" When I told her that I was still reeling from her anniversary comment, the responses came hard and fast: "You're living in the past." "You're unable to move on," "You'd be happier if I was dead" (the latter particularly devastating because she had gone through a cancer scare only 2 months earlier).
Things got worse after I refused to meet her Demand, yes, Demand that I simply forget about the whole thing without her taking ownership of the fact that she said hurtful things on our anniversary and afterwards. During conversations over the last couple of months, she called me a "dog," told me "We're finished," said our marriage was "a piece of paper," and asked me three times to divorce her.
As for my reactions: In similar situations in the past I used to respond with anger and rage that contributed to the downward spirals. After two years of IC (as well as reading TAM posts), I began to get a grip on my actions and reactions, learned to control myself, swallow hurtful words, take a breath, etc. In line with that, in the aftermath of the recent conflicts I told her firmly but calmly to stop talking about divorce, death, dogs, etc. On other occasions I simply told her to please stop, took her in my arms, stroked her face, and told her I loved her. None of this has enabled us to plateau. My calmer reactions in fact seem to enrage her further.
I have not let go of the notion that she needs to take responsibility for her words and actions in the last couple of months as a precondition for improving our situation. This, however, she has refused to do. During a recent phone call, she told me flat out, "I don't think I've done anything horrible." I then reminded her of some of the things she had said and done just a few days earlier ("You son of a *****," "You hate me," hitting herself in the face, throwing herself off the bed to the point where I had to physically restrain her, etc.). When I added that this seemed horrible to me indeed, she said: "YOU made me do that."
I recounted the last comment in MC, where my W and I developed our divergent narratives of what had happened since our anniversary: Me recalling some of the things she had said and done that had hurt me, disfigured our relationship, and dishonored our marriage vows, and she criticizing my inability to get over it already. Curiously, she immediately changed the subject when I recounted the "YOU made me do that" comment.
How to proceed from here on out, both in MC and beyond? I don't want to worsen our very fragile situation by belaboring the point, but I feel I'm onto something important here. What's an effective way to deal with blameshifting that actually stops it? Thoughts and shared wisdom anyone?
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