My step father is cheating and it's driving me crazy

I need some help because I have a problem with infidelity in my family. My mother remarried my now step father when I was 15. He's a very nice guy and financially stable. He was able to give us a future that was never possible and he is also responsible for most of my college tuition. He also bought me my first car I also have a 7 year old sister and she loves him to death. He gives her the world and she is very spoiled. I came home to visit during spring break and that's when I first discovered that he was cheating. My mother was at work and I was supposed to be spending the day at a friends house. I came home unexpectedly and caught him in the house with another woman. I did not catch them having sex but it was obvious to me that something was going on since this other woman seemed to be adjusting her clothes. He did not give me a reason as to why she was there but he kept questioning me about why I came back home early. He eventually told me that he wa s just showing her some stuff about work and there was really no need for anyone else to know that she was there. He told me that he kept this from my mother because he didn't want her to get the wrong idea.

I went back and forth in my head on whether or not I should tell me mother but I decided against it at the time. She is very much in love with him and he does everything for her. They go on multiple trips per years and she doesn't have to suffer any of the financial problems that we had before he came along. I really wanted to focus on finishing the semester and I didn't want to cause friction in the family especially if I was wrong. Fast forward to May and I've been back home since the semester ended. I've been trying to tell myself that maybe he wasn't cheating even though it did seem obvious. To satisfy my curiosity, I've decided to pay more attention to him to see if he is truly cheating. I had my boyfriend follow him around for a few days but it only really took one day to find out he was cheating. I have photographic evidence that he has been seeing another woman at an hotel. I have evidence that he has lied and said that he is working a double when in fact, he works hi s normal shift and then spends another 6-8 hours at a hotel with this other woman. I also have evidence that he took off a full shift from work to spend the day with this other woman.

My problem is whether or not I should bring this to my mom. I love her and I love seeing her happy. I know that this will hurt her and it may destroy the family. Also, if he stops paying for my tuition, I will probably have to either work or apply for financial aid loans. This could potentially be a really messed up situation and I don't know what to do with this information. I would rather my mom find out on her own but that doesn't seem likely since she's really in love and as far as I can tell, she hasn't been paying attention to all the little hints that would tell her that he is cheating. I don't think she will ignore what I have to say and call me a liar but that possibility has crossed my mind. Please give me advice on what I should do.

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Wife's response to children when we get into big fights

I've got kind of a unique situation that I am dealing with so I will try to preface:

My wife has legal custody of her two second cousins that are half sisters (10 and 6). The older ones father moved out of state and has some visitation for parts of the year. My wife is currently fighting to have all his rights removed. We don't know who the father of the younger one is. The mother is completely gone from the situation. I never signed any papers taking custody or adoption of them

My wife is a SAHM and homeschools them. I am the main breadwinner but her dad (who also lives with us) provides support because my paycheck is not enough to support our lifestyle.

When my wife and I have heated arguments and I have threatened to leave, my wife involves the children in our arguments and tells them that she will have to give them up because she can't afford to care for them alone or will lose custody because of it all.

For one, I keep thinking it's incredibly manipulative way to get me to feel guilty and for two she is emotionally damaging these children when the argument is mainly just between the two of us.

As it is, the older one is already going through therapy consistently to deal with her separation anxiety.

Is there something wrong with this situation and the way my wife handles it or is she just doing it because she doesn't want to lie to them? Is there a better way to handle it?

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Can you change your mind on new car deal?

I am in Canada and made an offer to purchase a new car thru VW. Now I am not sure I want to go thru with it. Have not picked the car up yet...as it is still enroute to the dealer. Paid a $500.00 deposit on it today. Have an offer to finance.

I am not 100% sure after I got home and thought about it, if it is the car I want. I am thinking maybe I should have gotten something a little bigger.

Have not signed actual loan papers thru VW finance until the vehicle is being picked up.

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Men: What do you think when you see a woman of your nationality with a 'non'?

• Thread Starter

Men: What do you think when you see a woman of your nationality with a 'non'?

• 6 hours ago 6h ago

I'm sure some people find it weird

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Quick question for the ladies

Hello everyone, I just had a quick question, I am planning on going to visit a friend next weekend for the first time, we met online ( cliché I know) and we have been talking every day for over 3 months now. She does get anxious an worried about being hurt and she is very nervous about us meeting for the first time. I just want her to feel happy and at ease, can anyone offer any ideas about how to make her feel less anxious, less worried about meeting in person ?

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Need Advice

First, I want to thank all of you. This website has been very helpful, even though at times it makes R more difficult. I have lurked since 2012, and this is my first posting.

Let me start off, I have not been a perfect husband over our 25 year marriage. Wife had a ONS the first part of May 2012 when she was on a business trip out of the country. From that point, it developed as an emotional affair that involved numerous phone calls, emails, texts, etc. between them. "I love you's", "soul mates", "I can't live without you", etc. were exchanged between them. I discovered it at the end of July 2012 by noticing the cell phone bills. I then put on spyware on her laptop and found her secret email account. All 1800 emails (most like texts) were there so I was able to read everything in their own words from what happened at the ONS to their words of passion they shared up to that date.

I am pretty sure before that date, she has always been true to our marriage. I was shocked by her deception and handled it badly. It caught me off guard so that after the discovery, it was evident that I was upset and I could not hide it for long enough to develop a plan on how to respond. She apologized and it was very emotional. We started R at that point but did not consult with experts. She agreed to no contact with her AP. At some point after that date, I found this website and realized that I should have handled my response differently.

In my heart, it did not feel like she was overly remorseful and that she would rather sweep it under the rug. She has been through some tough things in her life and that is how she has always dealt with them. Wanting to stay with her because of our family, I tried to be a better husband and pay more attention to her than I had in the past. R continued but at a very slow pace. I kept thinking about it and triggering from time to time.

In April 2013, her AP came to our area and he reached out to her to meet. She made the decision to meet him. By chance, I caught them in the middle of the meeting. Allegedly nothing happened. Since I was better educated on this area, I handled it much better. Told her we were over and she needed to move out. I was direct and non-emotional. I was planning to expose the AP to his spouse and traded emails with him to that effect (however, I did not disclose but thought about it many times and still prepared to execute on this). At the point of this discovery in April, I finally saw true remorse from her. She realized what she had destroyed and what she was losing. As a result, I decided we would try R one more time. Since I was more educated on the subject, at this point I was prepared to leave and felt that I had little to lose. The R went much better. She again agreed to no contact. We still did not get professional assistance, but everything was going well and my pain was diminishing because she was generally doing the right things. Not at the level I would have done if I was in that situation, but based on her history, she was trying and I thought sincere.

I kept up my diligence but the frequency of my diligence reduced because I was becoming less concerned. However, in June I noticed that she had done some internet searches on the AP and had reviewed his "linked in" profile along with other items. He also viewed her "linked in" profile. No emails to my knowledge have been exchanged between them. What do you think I should do? Confront at this time or just ignore it at this time but keep up my vigilance?

Since I have screwed up in the past, I want to make sure I handle this better. Thank you.

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Disneyland parenting

Do any of you have advice for handling a Disneyland parent? One of the major reasons my wife filed for separation was because I protested the lifestyle she and the kids (9 and 3) shared. She regularly gets season passes to the zoo, museums, children's museums, amusement parks, movies, and many other places. Upon news we were separating, her parents paid for a 10 day trip to Disneyland. Now, a few months later, they're on a three week vacation to the Oregon Coast and Yellowstone.

I know that I have little recourse to change any of that behavior, but it leaves me in a pair of problems. One, everything there is to do around town - they've done it with her already. And Two, when it comes time for my weekends with them, they're usually exhausted. During the school year, they'll usually hit at least one of those places a week, and 4 or 5 of them a week over the summer. I really like spending time with the kids, and like to focus on what it is THEY want to do, but it tends to lead to weekends of naps, downtime, and tv/books. Not horrible, but I'd like to be able branch out a bit, you know?

Any advice/success stories?

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What do you do if something/someone upsets you?

• Thread Starter

What do you do if something/someone upsets you?

• 7 hours ago 7h ago

You're angry and anxious. It's inappropriate to express these emotions at that time though.

How do you manage to calm yourself down?

I have so many repressed emotions that I don't know how to express without smashing a car or screaming... but I can't do these things for obvious reasons.

What should I do? :(

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Should you ever not tell her how you feel?

• Thread Starter

Should you ever not tell her how you feel?

• 7 hours ago 7h ago

My friend and I have been getting all kinds of friendly. We were both hammered once and we made out (she initiated it), afterwards we agreed it was a drunk thing and wasn't going anywhere, I said I thought something could happen between us, she said it could but it would be complicated and she didn't want to get involved with anything like that, I generally agreed, so whatever. At this point I didn't really care either way tbh, I was just testing the waters so I didn't press it.

But then the next week she ended up dragging me into her bed after a party and started coming on to me, she was way too drunk and basically I wasn't comfortable sleeping with her, it would have been taking advantage on a massive level. Woke up in the same bed the next day and she was all 'I can't believe what a great guy you are etc', we spoke about it and again came to a clumsy 'lets not go there' kind of decision.

Thing is, basically I really like her, I didn't think I did, I thought it was just a drunk mistake but actually I really really like her, also I'm certain she likes me, her body language has completely changed towards me, shes always sitting right up next to me, holding my arm when we're in a group etc. If I acted like she does with me around male friends they would think I was gay.

In a week she's going on holiday and a week after she gets back from that I'm going on holiday with her and some other friends, I kind of really just want to tell her something like 'I don't want to just be friends I want to be with you, I think you want the same, why don't we just see what happens', and I think there's a quite good chance she'd agree, but also I don't think she knows what she wants and this could be playing all my cards in one hand, I was thinking I would just wait till we're on holiday, but there is another guy in the picture who I know is interested in her, and I think if I don't tell her she might end up thinking that I actually do just only want to be friends...which I now realise I absolutely don't!

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Would you ever not date someone because of their strong political views?

• Thread Starter

Would you ever not date someone because of their strong political views?

• 13 minutes ago 13m ago

You meet someone you really like, they tick pretty much all your boxes, but there is one rather big sticking point. They have some political views which you find abhorrent. Perhaps you think they're misguided and don't think it reflects on their character (after all you might be thinking you would never fancy someone who has a set of views which you find repulsive).

Would you date them? And would you stay with them if they didn't change their views after explaining to them why they're misguided or wrong?

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Touching?

• Thread Starter

Touching?

• 14 minutes ago 14m ago

I Have a friend. We just recently started speaking more often. He is straight (Seems and acts straight) and 16. We started to talk more when we were calling each other hot and i basically told him i'm gay (sorta as a joke so he might think i'm lying). I'm in closet and i started to touch him recently (Bum and privates) He doesn't really do or say anything and when we are together with friends he sometimes says "your hot" or "i love you" (friendly?) He never responds when i feel him up but once i said "i wish you where naked" when i was feeling him and he said me too (laughing). i have even kissed him on the cheek and no response. What does this mean ??

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What does this mean??

• Thread Starter

What does this mean??

• 21 minutes ago 21m ago

So basically I have a friend. Both males and 16. We just recently started speaking more often. It started when me and him where calling each other hot and after a while i told him i was gay (as a joke so he might think i'm lying). He is straight (acts like it) and i'm 90% sure about this. I recently started touching him up sexually (Like the bum and privates). I will usually go for a hug or something and do it. He doesn't say or do anything just lets me but the only time he responded was when i said i wish you where naked and he laughed and said same. He sometimes calls me 'hot' and says "i love you" (in a friendly way?) when we're with friends and i once tried to kiss him on the cheek and he didn't move. (No reaction) What does this mean?

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What cute names does your partner call you?

• Thread Starter

What cute names does your partner call you?

• 1 Hour Ago 1 hour ago

My boyfriend calls me hunny and I hate it! All I can think of is the food honey haha, what does yours call you?

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1 problem and help for the future.

• Thread Starter

1 problem and help for the future.

• 1 Hour Ago 1 hour ago

Hi everyone,

I have a problem where I really like this girl and she keeps on looking at me but me being who I am, I always look away first. One of the days she walked through a door and when I looked at her she was already looking at me but this time, I managed to hold her gaze but as this was happening, she slowed her walking speed to a minimal. Again though, I was first to look away.

I found out though now, she has a boyfriend yet she still looks at me. Why?



Oh and the help for the future bit :)

Me and my friend were casually walking down the road when two other girls walked past us and all 4 of us looked back at each other and they shouted something which I couldn't quite make out but apparently to my friend they called us hot.

What should I or we have done in that situation? Just for future occurrences.

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Jealousy, insecurity, relationships and love

• Thread Starter

Jealousy, insecurity, relationships and love

• 1 Hour Ago 1 hour ago

I'll try to keep this short. I'm a university student and I've been going out with my boyfriend for a few months now, and we've had a lot of ups and downs already. He always talks about other girls and how he fancies so-and-so. It didn't bother me in the beginning but now it's getting to me. He even mentions girls he's been with in the past and lied to me about a few things in the beginning. My friends who have seen how he behaves with me have said they think he's arrogant and doesn't show respect for me. I've felt quite hurt by him in the past and that's made me insecure over time, and he now says I'm overreacting and am insecure for no reason. Despite all the ups and downs, tears and arguments, he is still so important to me and I really want things to work. I don't know what to think any more, and my rational side is just crumbling. I don't know whether I'm just a crazy jealous girlfriend or whether he's driven me to this height of insecurity and he's in the wr ong.

I just need a few words of advice about how to build my trust for him... or just general relationship advice, because I do really care for him. At the end of the day, he has me in the palm of his hands and could crush me whenever he wants.. and he knows that. This might sound really petty but it's so unlike me to be like this in the first place... I'm normally a really strong person and don't take any crap from anyone - but with him all this just melts away. I don't know what to do.

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