First, I want to thank all of you. This website has been very helpful, even though at times it makes R more difficult. I have lurked since 2012, and this is my first posting.
Let me start off, I have not been a perfect husband over our 25 year marriage. Wife had a ONS the first part of May 2012 when she was on a business trip out of the country. From that point, it developed as an emotional affair that involved numerous phone calls, emails, texts, etc. between them. "I love you's", "soul mates", "I can't live without you", etc. were exchanged between them. I discovered it at the end of July 2012 by noticing the cell phone bills. I then put on spyware on her laptop and found her secret email account. All 1800 emails (most like texts) were there so I was able to read everything in their own words from what happened at the ONS to their words of passion they shared up to that date.
I am pretty sure before that date, she has always been true to our marriage. I was shocked by her deception and handled it badly. It caught me off guard so that after the discovery, it was evident that I was upset and I could not hide it for long enough to develop a plan on how to respond. She apologized and it was very emotional. We started R at that point but did not consult with experts. She agreed to no contact with her AP. At some point after that date, I found this website and realized that I should have handled my response differently.
In my heart, it did not feel like she was overly remorseful and that she would rather sweep it under the rug. She has been through some tough things in her life and that is how she has always dealt with them. Wanting to stay with her because of our family, I tried to be a better husband and pay more attention to her than I had in the past. R continued but at a very slow pace. I kept thinking about it and triggering from time to time.
In April 2013, her AP came to our area and he reached out to her to meet. She made the decision to meet him. By chance, I caught them in the middle of the meeting. Allegedly nothing happened. Since I was better educated on this area, I handled it much better. Told her we were over and she needed to move out. I was direct and non-emotional. I was planning to expose the AP to his spouse and traded emails with him to that effect (however, I did not disclose but thought about it many times and still prepared to execute on this). At the point of this discovery in April, I finally saw true remorse from her. She realized what she had destroyed and what she was losing. As a result, I decided we would try R one more time. Since I was more educated on the subject, at this point I was prepared to leave and felt that I had little to lose. The R went much better. She again agreed to no contact. We still did not get professional assistance, but everything was going well and my pain was diminishing because she was generally doing the right things. Not at the level I would have done if I was in that situation, but based on her history, she was trying and I thought sincere.
I kept up my diligence but the frequency of my diligence reduced because I was becoming less concerned. However, in June I noticed that she had done some internet searches on the AP and had reviewed his "linked in" profile along with other items. He also viewed her "linked in" profile. No emails to my knowledge have been exchanged between them. What do you think I should do? Confront at this time or just ignore it at this time but keep up my vigilance?
Since I have screwed up in the past, I want to make sure I handle this better. Thank you.
Let me start off, I have not been a perfect husband over our 25 year marriage. Wife had a ONS the first part of May 2012 when she was on a business trip out of the country. From that point, it developed as an emotional affair that involved numerous phone calls, emails, texts, etc. between them. "I love you's", "soul mates", "I can't live without you", etc. were exchanged between them. I discovered it at the end of July 2012 by noticing the cell phone bills. I then put on spyware on her laptop and found her secret email account. All 1800 emails (most like texts) were there so I was able to read everything in their own words from what happened at the ONS to their words of passion they shared up to that date.
I am pretty sure before that date, she has always been true to our marriage. I was shocked by her deception and handled it badly. It caught me off guard so that after the discovery, it was evident that I was upset and I could not hide it for long enough to develop a plan on how to respond. She apologized and it was very emotional. We started R at that point but did not consult with experts. She agreed to no contact with her AP. At some point after that date, I found this website and realized that I should have handled my response differently.
In my heart, it did not feel like she was overly remorseful and that she would rather sweep it under the rug. She has been through some tough things in her life and that is how she has always dealt with them. Wanting to stay with her because of our family, I tried to be a better husband and pay more attention to her than I had in the past. R continued but at a very slow pace. I kept thinking about it and triggering from time to time.
In April 2013, her AP came to our area and he reached out to her to meet. She made the decision to meet him. By chance, I caught them in the middle of the meeting. Allegedly nothing happened. Since I was better educated on this area, I handled it much better. Told her we were over and she needed to move out. I was direct and non-emotional. I was planning to expose the AP to his spouse and traded emails with him to that effect (however, I did not disclose but thought about it many times and still prepared to execute on this). At the point of this discovery in April, I finally saw true remorse from her. She realized what she had destroyed and what she was losing. As a result, I decided we would try R one more time. Since I was more educated on the subject, at this point I was prepared to leave and felt that I had little to lose. The R went much better. She again agreed to no contact. We still did not get professional assistance, but everything was going well and my pain was diminishing because she was generally doing the right things. Not at the level I would have done if I was in that situation, but based on her history, she was trying and I thought sincere.
I kept up my diligence but the frequency of my diligence reduced because I was becoming less concerned. However, in June I noticed that she had done some internet searches on the AP and had reviewed his "linked in" profile along with other items. He also viewed her "linked in" profile. No emails to my knowledge have been exchanged between them. What do you think I should do? Confront at this time or just ignore it at this time but keep up my vigilance?
Since I have screwed up in the past, I want to make sure I handle this better. Thank you.
Put the internet to work for you.
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