This is going to be a long story, so please just bare with me. I've gone back to edit it to trim it down a bit :)
I'll be completely honest when I say I never thought of coming to a forum like this. My situation has been an insane rollercoaster with my husband. I had first guessed major depression, then perhaps bi-polar depression...something is just not right here, beyond his bad choices. My husband and I have been together for 2 years and married for 8 months. So, not long at all.
* been together for 2 years, married 8 months
* had been under contract for buying a house when this started
* I just got accepted into nursing school 5 days before he dropped the bombshell
* He is a Marine vet - two tours to Aghanistan. Is now a Corrections Officer
* I was a CNA, but took a leave from my job because I had to move away due to the separation
* We had very awkward hours. I worked 2nd shift, he worked 3rd. We didn't get much time together
* We don't have children together, I have a son from a previous marriage
* Both have family history of depression/mental illness in the family. My mom had been diagnosed with clinical depression. His mom had been diagnosed with bi-polar
* My husband was a very kind man who took it upon himself to get things done. He has flipped a 180. He used to be very logical in his thinking, now relies purely on emotions
* I knew something was wrong when he stopped caring about the finances. He was always extremely careful about that before
* He is incredibly inconsistent with his emotions. From happy to sad to blank to angry
* I have thought perhaps bi-polar, but he hasn't shown any manic side
* He hasn't changed any of his passwords. Not to Facebook, not to his e-mail...he even still has the combined checking account with me. He knows I have access to all of this. Hasn't bothered to do a thing about it. So much for wanting me out of his life.
* Only went to one counseling session with me, refused to go back. Said we 'ganged up on him'
* He IS talking to another woman. He says it has the potential to be romantic, but at this point it isn't. I don't really care if he's telling the truth or not
Couple of weeks before the avalanche began, I started seeing a change in him. He was distant...and sometimes sad. Then suddenly he would be sharp with me and very passive aggressive. He would ignore me when I talked most of the time. Of course it upset me, and this started a lot more fights between us. He would go from being cold and distant, to incredibly loving and affection, to deeply deeply sad.
One morning, he came to me and said we needed to walk away from buying our house because we needed to figure out us. I was of course devastated. He sobbed and held me, continuously saying how much he loved me and how he never meant to hurt me. He cried about how he didn't want to be alone and how no one liked him. About 30 minutes later, he was yelling in my face, "What would you know about abandonment?!" when I had questioned why he would want to abandon his family. It didn't really come out until later when I spoke to his mom, but he had always felt abandoned by her. She always put the men in her life first. His previous girlfriends also abandoned him. One gave him a Dear John letter when he was overseas.
That crying over the next couple of days turned into absolute coldness. We would still have intimacy once in awhile. I had talked to him about it and expressed that right now it was more of a physical release than a deep emotional bonding (thinking he felt the same way). After all, how could it be deep and emotional? He just said he wanted out of the marriage. He got incredibly angry, and said, "You know exactly where to shoot me, don't you?" That utterly confused me.
Finally, one morning I tried to be gentle to him and asked him to please try to work on this. He said he couldn't, because he had absolutely no more love for me. Either I needed to get out, or he would. I couldn't afford the place by myself, so I had no choice but to leave.
I went to Vegas to stay with my mom for a couple of weeks. At first he wouldn't talk to me, but eventually agreed to talk and see how things went. He had backed off the subject of divorce. I tried to be calm with him, but his behavior with me was very cold and distant. He hardly spoke when I talked. He was there, but he wasn't there.
I told him that I was going to keep my phone away from myself for a few days to give myself some space and for him to have some space too. When I called him three days later, instead of being calmer like I had hoped he would be, he was very angry and meaner than ever. He said to me, "well, welcome back from your little break! The problems are all still here!" As if I was hiding from it all.
So, I finally returned back home. It was very late at night, and he was out helping a friend move. When he came in, he sat down beside me and we talked for a bit. I gave him the gifts I bought him out in Vegas. He suddenly hugged me really tight, which of course I accepted. We talked a little more, and then he hugged me again for no reason.
We were intimate that night, but around 4 in the morning he refused to sleep in the bed with me. I sat with him and tried to tell him that I understood right now he didn't feel like he could really express love towards me. That's when he said, "when I walked in and saw you, I felt nothing. I slept with you to try to feel something, but it didn't do anything for me."
He suddenly brought up divorce again. When I asked why, he said because he was having an emotional affair with one of his coworkers. I told him that I was deeply wounded, but that I still wanted to try to fix our marriage. He started screaming at me that if I didn't file, that he would. I still said I wouldn't do it. He got up and said how I would regret my decision. How all he was going to do was bring me down. How I had lost all my morals by staying with a man like him. He said, "I don't love you! I don't want this marriage! There is nothing to work on! I feel nothing for you!"
Finally he said, "I am messed up in the head. Right now, I want a divorce. Maybe in 6 months I'll change my mind." I had said, "If you want a divorce without a shred of doubt in your heart, then tell me so. You are letting me go as your wife and I am free to do whatever I want and see whomever I want just like you can. That this is the end and you won't change your mind later on." That made him stop and hesitate. He then said, "...I don't know. I can't make a decision right now."
The next couple days after that, he seemed much more gentle. More affectionate too. He would actually reach out and stroke my hair once in awhile, let me lay beside him, etc. He still wouldn't say "I love you" and I didn't say it to him. He had admitted he was talking to three girls. He had told two of them that he was not talking to them anymore. The third one he wanted to wait in person to tell. However, when he talked about doing so, he seemed hesitant.
So, in the morning, I drove over to his work to see him. That was when I saw the girl get into the car with him. That hurt more than anything. I was furious, I was devastated. I called him and demanded he come home. It was the girl he was hesitant on telling they needed to cut ties. He had told me that he was trying to tell her that it needed to end. That wasn't my issue.
My issue was his lying about it. Why didn't he just tell me that was going to happen? I had the divorce papers out and ready. He said he was leaving to go help his friend move. He refused to stay and talk. About an hour later he called me. He screamed at me about how I humiliated him, and how if I wasn't going to file for divorce, he was. He demanded that it be done. At that point, I was so heartbroken that I just agreed. We didn't talk for hours until he came home. I was just about to leave when he did.
He was much calmer by that point. He had asked if I wanted to talk. I had said yes. He was quiet this time but got defensive, saying how I clearly had made up my mind about the divorce. I had asked him if he had. He said no. That I was destined for great things, and how he was nothing. He would never amount to anything. I was the smarted person he knew, and I was going to live a fulfilling life. I told him that that was nonsense, that he had all the potential in the world to go far in his life.
A few days later, I went to the house, but didn't have a house key. I kept banging on the door, and finally the door swung open. Justin was blocking me from allowing me inside. I knew right away why. I asked him, "She's in here, isn't she?" He said yes. I told him she needed to get out of MY house. He seemed deeply concerned that I was going to attack her. Granted, I wanted to, but I can't exactly become a nurse with an assault charge on my record.
He said he didn't realize the repercussions of his actions until it happened. He cried (not bawled, just some tears). He said I was an amazing wife, and he truly had everything in life. He said he should have accepted my forgiveness when he had the chance. His actions wasn't worth the price he paid. He couldn't even explain to me why she was so special. He said she wasn't worth losing me. He also admitted that the reason he had lashed out the night we were last intimate was because he actually did feel something, and that scared him. He had to push me away again.
I, of course, didn't want to divorce. He had said it needed to happen. He finally said how he had lost all his morals. He was once a good guy - THE good guy. Now he is a bad man. A very bad man. He is sick, and he needs help. He says he has to hit rock bottom before he can begin to rebuild himself. He wanted to protect me from the bad man he had become. He said he can still see the images of his friends being shot or blown up in Afghanistan and not recoil at the memory, but he can't look into my eyes. He can't. He can't stand the incredible shame and guilt.
To see the pain in my eyes was overwhelming. It was too much for him. He said that he knew I would be alone for a little while, but then find someone else and live a fairytale life. Meanwhile, he may date but he would always be alone. On the inside, he would always be alone and empty.
I decided that now was the time for me to make a real change in myself. I needed. I was weak, I wasn't strong, and it was time for me to be so. So, that is what I did. I sent him a text to let him know I would not be filing anything, and that I refuse from here on out to file. A few days later, he called me and said either I had to file or he would. I told him no. We didn't decide to get married in a month, and we aren't going to decide to get divorced in a month. If he wanted it so bad, he could do it himself.
That was when I hit the ground running when it came to my spiritual growth. I focused on meditation, to clear my mind of anxieties. To relax myself whenever I could. I began to bible study with the couple over Skype twice a week. Everyone could start to see a real change in me, including my husband. I was much calmer when approached by his anger. Finally, he said that he wanted to rebuild our foundation. To start rebuilding the friendship in order to get to the point of a relationship. And, that we should refrain from being intimate with each other during this time. I agreed, although things changed just a couple of days later. He had admitted that he was still going to pursue the other woman romantically.
I didn't scream, I didn't yell, I didn't get angry....I just asked why. Why would he pursue her while trying to repair things with me? It made no sense. He couldn't explain. Finally, for the first time since this all began, he admitted he missed me. That was a huge step. He also admitted that the reason he didn't want to be intimate with me was because it made him emotional. He didn't want to feel emotional. He wanted to be numb like he did before. I told him that if he continued to pursue her, that I was going to refrain from speaking to him. Not file for divorce, nothing like that. I just wasn't going to allow him to say he was going to work things with me and still keep her in his life.
I gave him some time while I put all my energy into God and my son. I had to go up there to sign the cancellation papers for the house we were going to buy. When we met up, he then said he was going on a 'hiatus' just like I did in Vegas. When I asked him why, he said, "You said you were going to! I don't want to talk to anyone right now! Everyone manipulates me! And you are the worst manipulator of all! I just want complete and total silence so I can think!" I did agree to allow him 4 days of no contact. He said, "And on Monday, I will text you. If you don't respond, then I'll know where you are in this marriage." What? So, we met to sign off the papers and we talked a little. Once again, I was very calm and did not yell or accuse. I merely asked questions.
I asked him why he felt I was manipulating him. Then I asked if I was manipulating, or was I the voice of reason that he didn't want to hear. He agreed to the second option. I then asked what was so special about her. He paused for a long time and said, "I have no idea. If I had an answer for you, I would give it to you." Then he allowed me to hold him for a little while and stroke his hair. I told him it hurt me to see him in so much pain. He said it hurt him to see me in pain too. When we had talked earlier, he said once the papers were signed he was done talking to me until Monday. However, after we saw each other in person, he said later that night if I needed to get anything else on the table to talk about, I could. He kept saying how sorry he was before he left.
Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? I am putting a lot of focus on myself. I have given him all the freedom in the world since I left to file for divorce should he want to. He has yet to have done so. He hasn't even filled out the papers. He has said a couple of times that a divorce isn't what he wants, but will still threaten to leave me if I don't do what he wants. My husband is a very quiet person to begin with. I was the one he talked to the most. Now his silence is even worse, and if I ever, ever ask him about his feelings he explodes.
Put the internet to work for you.
