Hello all,
The story I have to tell will most likely be very long and complicated, much like what occurs in the relationship I have with my wife.
Essentially, I met my wife through a previous employer. I was an assistant manager at a dollar store, and I happened to see my boss' (older lady) getting a call from her daughter. I noticed that her daughter was very beautiful and I let my manager know. Well, she isn't that great of a mother, so she went home and told her daughter about this (then) 23 year old guy being interested in her, but she was warned to stay away.
She started coming in to work, a place she used to loathe going to, just to see me. We did the normal first meeting stuff, and things picked up quickly between us. Within about a month of "knowing" eachother, I moved in with her and her family. At the time, I was living in an adjacent state with my father, trying to find a livable job to obtain an apartment. Anyways, so now I'm dating my future wife, living at home with her, her father, her mother, and her brother. Now would be a good time to give a rundown of each person to get an idea of the dynamics.
The father is the easiest one to start with. He's an alcoholic stuck in that neverending cycle of rehab, return, rehab. He and my wife's mother began their relationship pretty auspiciously. She was working as a checkout girl at 30, supposedly couldn't get pregnant, then had my wife. Her parents agreed to marriage, she was to be a stay at home mom and keep the house in order, and he was to be the "man" and go out and support his family. Things went well. Too well. He made a bunch of money, started ordering pills online from Mexico and Canada and started ruining every family holiday. He sulks in his room and drinks or goes off the handle. An important event to note is the first day he was to ever go to rehab, it was my wife's 11th birthday. He skipped seeing her at all that day, not even saying happy birthday, to spend time with a best friend before he went to rehab. There's much more and I'll elaborate on anyone or anything if need be.
The mother is almost as bad with alcohol. Her mother was my manager, but had a stroke and in the two years since she has not returned from work. She is in her mid fifties, smokes like a chimney (pot and cigarettes), used to average about five energy drinks a day, and drinks like crazy. One of the first "personal" memories involving my wife's mother saw her going out to a bar on a Thursday, only to come home wasted, for my wife and I to take care of her. She then proceeded to tell my wife that she had the power to suck the life right out of her, and take her life, but she wouldn't do that because she wanted my wife to have her own life. All of this while her mother is in tears and my wife is trying to not lose her ****. Another important memory involves my wife's parents briefly reuniting over alcohol and stashing themselves away in his room for three months, call outs from work abundant. During that time, my wife, who dropped out and obtained her GED, and I had to take her br other to work everyday so he could avoid being a truant.
The brother is the one I see the least of and seems the most normal, but there is an important story involving him that is worth mentioning. My wife had mentioned about three or four months into our relationship about something happening with her brother when he was drunk. Her initial story is they got drunk and he touched her, but one night, I asked her brother, he gave me a different story where she flashed and threw herself at him. I addressed it with her and she gave me literally ten different stories, each one getting progressively worse. So, needless to say, I feel uncomfortable around the brother. He's two years younger than her, btw.
Finally, my wife. I knew before I laid eyes on her in person that she had problems. Her mother made sure I knew that, and even went so far as to say that she wanted to "pawn" her daughter (read: problem) off on me. She has gone to therapists before, and was diagnosed with OCD and bipolar disorder, and even oppositional defiant disorder for a brief time. She used to cut herself pretty regularly, stopped for about the first six months of our relationship, and now cuts very infrequently. She suffers from an eating disorder and constantly talks about cutting to cut this feeling that is trying to reach out of her and destroy her.
Needless to say, she has terrible parents, mental disorders, and plenty of stress in her life. That causes her to have terribly low self esteem. However, there seems to be a tingle of control to everything as a result. For instance, since being with her, I have had to rid myself of some of my favorite books, movies, and video games because she believes I'm checking out the women in the various media.
Now let's be honest, that sounds pretty bad that I would let her do that, or let her "change" something I held so near and dear to my heart. But I could see the hurt that she had. She wanted every little bit of my attention and she was willing to change her mindset to fit mine. I wanted a family and a wife to love to make up for the less than perfect family situation I had. Almost a lifelong journey of redemption. She wanted to fade herself, so to speak. She had no sense of self or self-worth, so she wanted to burn out. I remember reading a journal entry of hers that she was going to be dead, a prostitute, homeless, a number of things terrible if she hadn't ended up with me.
Yes, I read her diary, and that's why I'm here today. I am by no means a perfect man, but I try to be supportive of an obviously hurt and tormented girl. Yet, I feel the need for full disclosure, so I will divulge the unsavory things I've done that she sees as negatively effected our relationship.
When we first started dating, we went to taco bell as a first date. The cashier was a black girl, and I thought my wife had the understanding that I was not attracted to black women, so I jokingly said "wow (cashier's name). THat's a hot name." Yes, terrible, I know, awkward I know. When I first met my wife, I was in a player stage. I had only one relationship, lasting one month in which I was cheated on. It hit me harder than it should, and I hit the gym, deleted facebook, etc and became a womanizer of sorts, and I can see how that showed in my wife and I's relationship at the beginning. I would make it a point to show her other women wanted me, and it hurt her tremendously.
She's also caught me positively checking out other women three times, and I also had to get rid of my smart phone because I had a picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a bikini that she saw. Since the initial checking out instances, though, every time my head is in the direction of another woman, I'm checking them out. There was even a time when I had to look left and right while leaving Hardee's, and my wife freaked because some college girls were walking by. I had to literally cover my eyes while operating a vehicle because my wife was so jealous.
Ok, we're reaching long length territory so I'll tell you all why I'm here. At the beginning of our relationship I was paranoid that she had other interests too, so I read her diary, got upset about a story in there about a guy, and according to her, she was forced to give up her "sanctuary". A place for her to put down all of herself and not just the good stuff. So I got her a replacement diary with a lock to say sorry.
Well, we got married on June 12th of this year, what would have been my deceased mother's 55th birthday. Heading into the marriage she seemed unsure, because there have been times when our arguments have gotten out of control and have turned violent on both ends. However, she was still extremely happy with me and still wanted to get married.
We got married that day, despite my father disowning me that day before (another long story) and had an amazing time, and for a couple weeks she said that she saw a good effort from me and she was happy with our relationship, but having bipolar, she would be extremely happy one moment then very upset another.
Anyways, she started seeing a downswing in the relationship, and on July 17th, she goes and stays at her mom's (her mother and brother used to live in the house, but they left for grandma's house) for three days. Highly unlike her. It's the first time she did not sleep in the bed with me since we've been dating. But she came back. She wanted to just chill with me.
Basically up to now, I've been giving it a hundred percent to show her I care for her, and the past mistakes I made were in the past and were indeed mistakes. She's pushed me away and pulled me close, she's initiated unprotected sex that finished with me inside her. She's made me sleep on the floor next to what was our bed. And i've been trying to fight back any ill word that comes to mind when I feel like I'm being mistreated or used, but when I can't, she gets upset and leaves.
Well, she has been working at a dollar store now since about May. It's her first real job, and she flourishing in it despite being very anxious around people. I told her when I used to go to the comic book store next to it there was a guy named Ray that worked there. He was older, and she was into older guys (obviously) so that worried me. I saw her schedule that she worked with nothing but women, but she has mentioned that he has come in before.
However, the past few days we've done exceptionally well. We even kissed each other goodbye tonight when I dropped her off to her mothers and we said love and miss you. Well, I come home and something's different.
The new diary I got her was sitting out in a pretty obvious place, with its lock off. Now, she usually guards that thing like Fort Knox, keeping it in her purse and locked at all times. Well, with the cheating worries bothering me, I took up an old habit and read her diary. She had an entry on 8/12/15, but before that the most recent entry was in February. Anyways, the entry on the 12th involved a big update, which involved her getting a job, getting married (apparently a big mistake), and meeting Ray (yep.) She basically finished the entry saying basically every possible thing to hurt my self esteem. He was great in bed, rolled a perfect joint, made her feel shy and happy (exactly what I told her I missed about the beginning of our relationship). Stuff like that.
So now she's at her mother's, and I'm needing any kind of advice or friendly listening ear. Perhaps the most important question though, is do you guys think the Ray entry is real, and in general what should i do to make things work out with my wife?
Thanks ya'll. You guys are a great community.
The story I have to tell will most likely be very long and complicated, much like what occurs in the relationship I have with my wife.
Essentially, I met my wife through a previous employer. I was an assistant manager at a dollar store, and I happened to see my boss' (older lady) getting a call from her daughter. I noticed that her daughter was very beautiful and I let my manager know. Well, she isn't that great of a mother, so she went home and told her daughter about this (then) 23 year old guy being interested in her, but she was warned to stay away.
She started coming in to work, a place she used to loathe going to, just to see me. We did the normal first meeting stuff, and things picked up quickly between us. Within about a month of "knowing" eachother, I moved in with her and her family. At the time, I was living in an adjacent state with my father, trying to find a livable job to obtain an apartment. Anyways, so now I'm dating my future wife, living at home with her, her father, her mother, and her brother. Now would be a good time to give a rundown of each person to get an idea of the dynamics.
The father is the easiest one to start with. He's an alcoholic stuck in that neverending cycle of rehab, return, rehab. He and my wife's mother began their relationship pretty auspiciously. She was working as a checkout girl at 30, supposedly couldn't get pregnant, then had my wife. Her parents agreed to marriage, she was to be a stay at home mom and keep the house in order, and he was to be the "man" and go out and support his family. Things went well. Too well. He made a bunch of money, started ordering pills online from Mexico and Canada and started ruining every family holiday. He sulks in his room and drinks or goes off the handle. An important event to note is the first day he was to ever go to rehab, it was my wife's 11th birthday. He skipped seeing her at all that day, not even saying happy birthday, to spend time with a best friend before he went to rehab. There's much more and I'll elaborate on anyone or anything if need be.
The mother is almost as bad with alcohol. Her mother was my manager, but had a stroke and in the two years since she has not returned from work. She is in her mid fifties, smokes like a chimney (pot and cigarettes), used to average about five energy drinks a day, and drinks like crazy. One of the first "personal" memories involving my wife's mother saw her going out to a bar on a Thursday, only to come home wasted, for my wife and I to take care of her. She then proceeded to tell my wife that she had the power to suck the life right out of her, and take her life, but she wouldn't do that because she wanted my wife to have her own life. All of this while her mother is in tears and my wife is trying to not lose her ****. Another important memory involves my wife's parents briefly reuniting over alcohol and stashing themselves away in his room for three months, call outs from work abundant. During that time, my wife, who dropped out and obtained her GED, and I had to take her br other to work everyday so he could avoid being a truant.
The brother is the one I see the least of and seems the most normal, but there is an important story involving him that is worth mentioning. My wife had mentioned about three or four months into our relationship about something happening with her brother when he was drunk. Her initial story is they got drunk and he touched her, but one night, I asked her brother, he gave me a different story where she flashed and threw herself at him. I addressed it with her and she gave me literally ten different stories, each one getting progressively worse. So, needless to say, I feel uncomfortable around the brother. He's two years younger than her, btw.
Finally, my wife. I knew before I laid eyes on her in person that she had problems. Her mother made sure I knew that, and even went so far as to say that she wanted to "pawn" her daughter (read: problem) off on me. She has gone to therapists before, and was diagnosed with OCD and bipolar disorder, and even oppositional defiant disorder for a brief time. She used to cut herself pretty regularly, stopped for about the first six months of our relationship, and now cuts very infrequently. She suffers from an eating disorder and constantly talks about cutting to cut this feeling that is trying to reach out of her and destroy her.
Needless to say, she has terrible parents, mental disorders, and plenty of stress in her life. That causes her to have terribly low self esteem. However, there seems to be a tingle of control to everything as a result. For instance, since being with her, I have had to rid myself of some of my favorite books, movies, and video games because she believes I'm checking out the women in the various media.
Now let's be honest, that sounds pretty bad that I would let her do that, or let her "change" something I held so near and dear to my heart. But I could see the hurt that she had. She wanted every little bit of my attention and she was willing to change her mindset to fit mine. I wanted a family and a wife to love to make up for the less than perfect family situation I had. Almost a lifelong journey of redemption. She wanted to fade herself, so to speak. She had no sense of self or self-worth, so she wanted to burn out. I remember reading a journal entry of hers that she was going to be dead, a prostitute, homeless, a number of things terrible if she hadn't ended up with me.
Yes, I read her diary, and that's why I'm here today. I am by no means a perfect man, but I try to be supportive of an obviously hurt and tormented girl. Yet, I feel the need for full disclosure, so I will divulge the unsavory things I've done that she sees as negatively effected our relationship.
When we first started dating, we went to taco bell as a first date. The cashier was a black girl, and I thought my wife had the understanding that I was not attracted to black women, so I jokingly said "wow (cashier's name). THat's a hot name." Yes, terrible, I know, awkward I know. When I first met my wife, I was in a player stage. I had only one relationship, lasting one month in which I was cheated on. It hit me harder than it should, and I hit the gym, deleted facebook, etc and became a womanizer of sorts, and I can see how that showed in my wife and I's relationship at the beginning. I would make it a point to show her other women wanted me, and it hurt her tremendously.
She's also caught me positively checking out other women three times, and I also had to get rid of my smart phone because I had a picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a bikini that she saw. Since the initial checking out instances, though, every time my head is in the direction of another woman, I'm checking them out. There was even a time when I had to look left and right while leaving Hardee's, and my wife freaked because some college girls were walking by. I had to literally cover my eyes while operating a vehicle because my wife was so jealous.
Ok, we're reaching long length territory so I'll tell you all why I'm here. At the beginning of our relationship I was paranoid that she had other interests too, so I read her diary, got upset about a story in there about a guy, and according to her, she was forced to give up her "sanctuary". A place for her to put down all of herself and not just the good stuff. So I got her a replacement diary with a lock to say sorry.
Well, we got married on June 12th of this year, what would have been my deceased mother's 55th birthday. Heading into the marriage she seemed unsure, because there have been times when our arguments have gotten out of control and have turned violent on both ends. However, she was still extremely happy with me and still wanted to get married.
We got married that day, despite my father disowning me that day before (another long story) and had an amazing time, and for a couple weeks she said that she saw a good effort from me and she was happy with our relationship, but having bipolar, she would be extremely happy one moment then very upset another.
Anyways, she started seeing a downswing in the relationship, and on July 17th, she goes and stays at her mom's (her mother and brother used to live in the house, but they left for grandma's house) for three days. Highly unlike her. It's the first time she did not sleep in the bed with me since we've been dating. But she came back. She wanted to just chill with me.
Basically up to now, I've been giving it a hundred percent to show her I care for her, and the past mistakes I made were in the past and were indeed mistakes. She's pushed me away and pulled me close, she's initiated unprotected sex that finished with me inside her. She's made me sleep on the floor next to what was our bed. And i've been trying to fight back any ill word that comes to mind when I feel like I'm being mistreated or used, but when I can't, she gets upset and leaves.
Well, she has been working at a dollar store now since about May. It's her first real job, and she flourishing in it despite being very anxious around people. I told her when I used to go to the comic book store next to it there was a guy named Ray that worked there. He was older, and she was into older guys (obviously) so that worried me. I saw her schedule that she worked with nothing but women, but she has mentioned that he has come in before.
However, the past few days we've done exceptionally well. We even kissed each other goodbye tonight when I dropped her off to her mothers and we said love and miss you. Well, I come home and something's different.
The new diary I got her was sitting out in a pretty obvious place, with its lock off. Now, she usually guards that thing like Fort Knox, keeping it in her purse and locked at all times. Well, with the cheating worries bothering me, I took up an old habit and read her diary. She had an entry on 8/12/15, but before that the most recent entry was in February. Anyways, the entry on the 12th involved a big update, which involved her getting a job, getting married (apparently a big mistake), and meeting Ray (yep.) She basically finished the entry saying basically every possible thing to hurt my self esteem. He was great in bed, rolled a perfect joint, made her feel shy and happy (exactly what I told her I missed about the beginning of our relationship). Stuff like that.
So now she's at her mother's, and I'm needing any kind of advice or friendly listening ear. Perhaps the most important question though, is do you guys think the Ray entry is real, and in general what should i do to make things work out with my wife?
Thanks ya'll. You guys are a great community.
Put the internet to work for you.
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