Update....Forgive the long post
Currently my wife & I are currently separated (9 weeks +). While the dust has seemed to settle in regards to our discourse and we are living in our own place, it seems we are settling into a place I'm not comfortable with. Due to unresolved problems that has existed in our marriage, I made a bad decision to seek a resolution (EA),outside our marriage. Of course, I am no longer involved with the OW. We do manage to communicate about non-relational topics without too much drama or no drama at all. Occasional we meet up for lunch, but she makes it clear to me that its not date and we pay for our own meals. We just returned from a Paris trip we took together as a family and we both agree it was a happy trip. She's also open to going on other trips together.
Lately, I've been trying to get her to open up to her feelings about reconciling , but each time I attempt to get her to discuss it with me, she refuses to talk about it. I've notice in a couple of our conversation about future plans, she talks about buying a house for "herself and our son" and all her plans moving forward are concentrated on that. She claims that reconciliation is not something she thinking about at this moment because she does not know whether we are going to be together or not. When I ask her where do I fit into her future, she's mummed to discuss it. Of course, I starting to see RED flags and it appears I should be changing my approach to our reconciliation.
One would say I should be pulling the bulk of the weight trying to salvage my marriage since I had the EA, in such case I have been doing that. I have shouldered my responsibility for my past indiscretion and the contributions to our marital problems and she also acknowledges her contribution to our marital problems. But I'm getting mixed messages about her true intent. She doesn't want to divorce (she claims she does not know what she wants), but at the same time, it doesn't appear she taking steps to improve our situation. She does accept some of my affection and gestures, but does not reciprocate any affection in return. This one sided relationship is what made me feel emotionally neglected and I found myself open to accepting OW's attention.
I have learned to openly communicate to my wife about my needs for her attention, but she doesn't seem to make any real effort to do anything about it. Frankly, when I talk to her about it, she get stern with me and tells me to respect her boundaries about discussing our relationship. When she talks like that, I'm befuddled and I begin to ask myself why am I trying if she's not willing to put in any effort herself? It makes no sense to me to be separated for 3-6 months or more trying to reconcile with no real effort to moving forward to reconciling. Being separated that long, one can easy fall into that mindset of living a separate life and never returning.
So far I have been trying to be patience, but my patience is being tested. I know I won't make the mistake of looking outside my marriage to solve my problems, but I do want to move forward in my life; whether its with her or someone else. I want to be married to my wife, but I also want more from my her if we are going to truly reconcile. Am I wrong to think this way. I don't think I should feel selfish in the way I feel because I don't think I'm asking much from her. I'm not asking for us to move back in together now, but to start taking steps moving forward for our future; if we are going to have a future.
What do you guys think?
Currently my wife & I are currently separated (9 weeks +). While the dust has seemed to settle in regards to our discourse and we are living in our own place, it seems we are settling into a place I'm not comfortable with. Due to unresolved problems that has existed in our marriage, I made a bad decision to seek a resolution (EA),outside our marriage. Of course, I am no longer involved with the OW. We do manage to communicate about non-relational topics without too much drama or no drama at all. Occasional we meet up for lunch, but she makes it clear to me that its not date and we pay for our own meals. We just returned from a Paris trip we took together as a family and we both agree it was a happy trip. She's also open to going on other trips together.
Lately, I've been trying to get her to open up to her feelings about reconciling , but each time I attempt to get her to discuss it with me, she refuses to talk about it. I've notice in a couple of our conversation about future plans, she talks about buying a house for "herself and our son" and all her plans moving forward are concentrated on that. She claims that reconciliation is not something she thinking about at this moment because she does not know whether we are going to be together or not. When I ask her where do I fit into her future, she's mummed to discuss it. Of course, I starting to see RED flags and it appears I should be changing my approach to our reconciliation.
One would say I should be pulling the bulk of the weight trying to salvage my marriage since I had the EA, in such case I have been doing that. I have shouldered my responsibility for my past indiscretion and the contributions to our marital problems and she also acknowledges her contribution to our marital problems. But I'm getting mixed messages about her true intent. She doesn't want to divorce (she claims she does not know what she wants), but at the same time, it doesn't appear she taking steps to improve our situation. She does accept some of my affection and gestures, but does not reciprocate any affection in return. This one sided relationship is what made me feel emotionally neglected and I found myself open to accepting OW's attention.
I have learned to openly communicate to my wife about my needs for her attention, but she doesn't seem to make any real effort to do anything about it. Frankly, when I talk to her about it, she get stern with me and tells me to respect her boundaries about discussing our relationship. When she talks like that, I'm befuddled and I begin to ask myself why am I trying if she's not willing to put in any effort herself? It makes no sense to me to be separated for 3-6 months or more trying to reconcile with no real effort to moving forward to reconciling. Being separated that long, one can easy fall into that mindset of living a separate life and never returning.
So far I have been trying to be patience, but my patience is being tested. I know I won't make the mistake of looking outside my marriage to solve my problems, but I do want to move forward in my life; whether its with her or someone else. I want to be married to my wife, but I also want more from my her if we are going to truly reconcile. Am I wrong to think this way. I don't think I should feel selfish in the way I feel because I don't think I'm asking much from her. I'm not asking for us to move back in together now, but to start taking steps moving forward for our future; if we are going to have a future.
What do you guys think?
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