New here and looking for advice, sorry for the book!
My wife and I have been married for 18 yrs and have 2 girls (9 and 11 yrs old). I retired from the Navy after 22 years in January 2014 and thought that we would be able to settle down and have a normal life. My wife is a registered nurse who works in the operating room and makes a decent living. Money has never been an issue. Our marriage has not been the easiest or the best but we have had many more good memories than bad. The last 4 or 5 years have been the worst of them and we both just kind of went on autopilot, not communicating, not spending time with each other, no affection, and sex about once every 2-3 months, which ended up being mechanical at best. I traveled alot during my time in the Navy and we moved alot, so many of the day to day chores and responsibilities fell to her by default. I knew she wasn't happy and she knew I wasn't happy but we kept plodding along.
At my retirement ceremony, we were able to reconnect with a longtime friend that I used to be stationed with years ago. Turns out that he had been divorced (3rd time) for about 3 years and was looking to start over in a new place. My wife and I thought it would be great if he relocated to our area and so the process started.
My wife and friend started texting each other in March 2014 and I knew, and consented that they were just catching up on all that was lost in the years where we had not talked. Months go by with my wife and I's relationship on an even plane, same as before. It wasn't until he came to visit in September of that year that I began to question what was going on. Problem is I kept the questions in my head and did not voice them. Around December, a month before he was to move, I got very suspicious for the simple fact that my wife was constantly on her phone, it might as well have been glued to her hand!
On a side note, the plan was for him to move in with us so it would give him time to adjust and find work and a place of his own.
So, a few days after Christmas, I had just about had enough and started digging into the phone records to see what was actually going on. What I found was truly shocking and devastating. In the course of 3 months, she had texted him over 10,000 times and him about the same amount back! To say that I was devastated, hurt, shocked, angry, and confused was an understatement. My wife and I have had numerous talks in the past about our relationship, but it has always felt one-sided. I was always the one to bring anything up. Well, this time was no different. I sat her down and asked her about her relationship with him and she denied any wrong-doing, saying that they were just catching up and that he had become her best friend. We talked about a bunch of things that night, including the rut we were in and what we wanted to change to bring us closer, and I felt ok with what I was told because I trusted her. The next day we left to go get him and the rest of his stuff to bri ng him here and this is where the story starts to go downhill.
As soon as we are heading back home, things between him and her start to change, quickly, but it is more her than him. She starts by saying that she is uncomfortable showing me any affection in front of him, and she is basically all about him, has to ride with him, sit by him and all that. At this point I am an emotional wreck and can't figure out why she is acting this way. I know right, blind and naive. Once we all get home, the next couple of weeks are hell, with her all about him and me feeling like a third wheel, until I have had enough to talk to him about everything. He says that there is nothing sexual going on and that if it is causing me this much pain that he will move out and distance himself. Me being the good guy that I am, says "no, you don't have to do that". After talking to him, I didn't feel that he was a threat so I let him stay, because we are all friends.
The next couple of months are complete torture, multiple fights between me and my wife, a couple where I almost walk out of the door. It gets to the point where we agree to go to marriage counseling, but only make about 4 sessions, when she is ready to quit because she is either too tired to go, has a headache, schedules just don't line up, etc. My feelings start to change from hurt, being overly emotional and angry, to something close to acceptance that this was the way it was going to be.
After that point, things got a little better, just for the simple fact that I was not smothering her and hounding her so much. During all this time, they have been texting non stop just like before, and when i found out, I went ballistic, and that's when I started voicing opinions on divorce or separation, and they cooled it down. During this time I was also laid off from my first real job after the Navy and got a better, higher paying job where I traveled about 50% of the time. Also during this time, my wife and I had started to become more physical in the bedroom, which means to say that we started to have sex again, but it was just like before, purely mechanical. And I felt like things were slowly returning to normal. It wasn't until I looked at the phone records again that I found out that they had stepped up their game on texting and now was texting each other when we were in the same room! We are talking about hour long conversations, going minute to minute, back and forth. It got so bad that I could tell when I was in the room with them and when I wasn't just by looking at the phone bill.
After I found that out, sat the wife down again and talked to her again, this time without the anger and resentment that I've held onto, and told her that this is unacceptable and that I would not stay if this continued.
And that brings us to today. As of today and from the time this whole mess started, she has not admitted to doing anything wrong and she won't admit that she has feelings for this guy, although I still think it is all one sided on her part. She has not done anything to prove to me that she wants this marriage to work, not even a little. I have discussed with her too many times to count what I need and want and it just goes in one ear and out the other. But when I say maybe divorce is a better option then she starts crying and says that she doesn't want me leave and that she loves me, she's just not attracted to me anymore. To this day, she still acts like she wants to be with him and talks to him as if I'm not even there. I'm to the point now where I am starting to question if she will ever see me like she did before. I know it sounds like him moving out is the start but that would just mean they would start texting again non-stop, and this way, I have them both under close supervision.
There are days where I am really starting to wonder if she has truly changed into someone else or if she is still in the "fog" as everyone calls it. I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't keep going like this forever.
If you have made it all the way to this point, I thank you. It does help to know that there is a place where I can discuss this.
My wife and I have been married for 18 yrs and have 2 girls (9 and 11 yrs old). I retired from the Navy after 22 years in January 2014 and thought that we would be able to settle down and have a normal life. My wife is a registered nurse who works in the operating room and makes a decent living. Money has never been an issue. Our marriage has not been the easiest or the best but we have had many more good memories than bad. The last 4 or 5 years have been the worst of them and we both just kind of went on autopilot, not communicating, not spending time with each other, no affection, and sex about once every 2-3 months, which ended up being mechanical at best. I traveled alot during my time in the Navy and we moved alot, so many of the day to day chores and responsibilities fell to her by default. I knew she wasn't happy and she knew I wasn't happy but we kept plodding along.
At my retirement ceremony, we were able to reconnect with a longtime friend that I used to be stationed with years ago. Turns out that he had been divorced (3rd time) for about 3 years and was looking to start over in a new place. My wife and I thought it would be great if he relocated to our area and so the process started.
My wife and friend started texting each other in March 2014 and I knew, and consented that they were just catching up on all that was lost in the years where we had not talked. Months go by with my wife and I's relationship on an even plane, same as before. It wasn't until he came to visit in September of that year that I began to question what was going on. Problem is I kept the questions in my head and did not voice them. Around December, a month before he was to move, I got very suspicious for the simple fact that my wife was constantly on her phone, it might as well have been glued to her hand!
On a side note, the plan was for him to move in with us so it would give him time to adjust and find work and a place of his own.
So, a few days after Christmas, I had just about had enough and started digging into the phone records to see what was actually going on. What I found was truly shocking and devastating. In the course of 3 months, she had texted him over 10,000 times and him about the same amount back! To say that I was devastated, hurt, shocked, angry, and confused was an understatement. My wife and I have had numerous talks in the past about our relationship, but it has always felt one-sided. I was always the one to bring anything up. Well, this time was no different. I sat her down and asked her about her relationship with him and she denied any wrong-doing, saying that they were just catching up and that he had become her best friend. We talked about a bunch of things that night, including the rut we were in and what we wanted to change to bring us closer, and I felt ok with what I was told because I trusted her. The next day we left to go get him and the rest of his stuff to bri ng him here and this is where the story starts to go downhill.
As soon as we are heading back home, things between him and her start to change, quickly, but it is more her than him. She starts by saying that she is uncomfortable showing me any affection in front of him, and she is basically all about him, has to ride with him, sit by him and all that. At this point I am an emotional wreck and can't figure out why she is acting this way. I know right, blind and naive. Once we all get home, the next couple of weeks are hell, with her all about him and me feeling like a third wheel, until I have had enough to talk to him about everything. He says that there is nothing sexual going on and that if it is causing me this much pain that he will move out and distance himself. Me being the good guy that I am, says "no, you don't have to do that". After talking to him, I didn't feel that he was a threat so I let him stay, because we are all friends.
The next couple of months are complete torture, multiple fights between me and my wife, a couple where I almost walk out of the door. It gets to the point where we agree to go to marriage counseling, but only make about 4 sessions, when she is ready to quit because she is either too tired to go, has a headache, schedules just don't line up, etc. My feelings start to change from hurt, being overly emotional and angry, to something close to acceptance that this was the way it was going to be.
After that point, things got a little better, just for the simple fact that I was not smothering her and hounding her so much. During all this time, they have been texting non stop just like before, and when i found out, I went ballistic, and that's when I started voicing opinions on divorce or separation, and they cooled it down. During this time I was also laid off from my first real job after the Navy and got a better, higher paying job where I traveled about 50% of the time. Also during this time, my wife and I had started to become more physical in the bedroom, which means to say that we started to have sex again, but it was just like before, purely mechanical. And I felt like things were slowly returning to normal. It wasn't until I looked at the phone records again that I found out that they had stepped up their game on texting and now was texting each other when we were in the same room! We are talking about hour long conversations, going minute to minute, back and forth. It got so bad that I could tell when I was in the room with them and when I wasn't just by looking at the phone bill.
After I found that out, sat the wife down again and talked to her again, this time without the anger and resentment that I've held onto, and told her that this is unacceptable and that I would not stay if this continued.
And that brings us to today. As of today and from the time this whole mess started, she has not admitted to doing anything wrong and she won't admit that she has feelings for this guy, although I still think it is all one sided on her part. She has not done anything to prove to me that she wants this marriage to work, not even a little. I have discussed with her too many times to count what I need and want and it just goes in one ear and out the other. But when I say maybe divorce is a better option then she starts crying and says that she doesn't want me leave and that she loves me, she's just not attracted to me anymore. To this day, she still acts like she wants to be with him and talks to him as if I'm not even there. I'm to the point now where I am starting to question if she will ever see me like she did before. I know it sounds like him moving out is the start but that would just mean they would start texting again non-stop, and this way, I have them both under close supervision.
There are days where I am really starting to wonder if she has truly changed into someone else or if she is still in the "fog" as everyone calls it. I don't know, but what I do know is that I can't keep going like this forever.
If you have made it all the way to this point, I thank you. It does help to know that there is a place where I can discuss this.
Put the internet to work for you.
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