Very tough day. I woke up having dreamt about her - I had knots in my stomach. I began having thoughts about pictures we took together and it made me cry. I didn't know that my body was having an intuition about what was to come.
I went to the mail and there was a check for her from her school and the wedding pictures. My heart sank and the knots got stronger.
I have done incredibly well with having no contact - it is a month and a week and a half since she moved out and just over a month since I last saw her. There has been no contact otherwise.
Just the other day, I noticed that her toolbox was still here, but I was planning on just keeping it. She has also gotten other unimportant mail but I have just thrown it away. She obviously did not do a mail forwarding card at the post office. A friend of mine has offered to drop off the check and the pictures with her friend at her job and I am going to let him do that so I don't have to have any contact. I certainly don't even want to see those pictures or keep a copy of the zip drive.
It has been a slow go in my recovery - my ego self has been really trying to hold on - but i have more and more moments of clarity and peace, but today is a serious set back. Last week was her birthday and that hit me hard too.
I don't quite know why I am grieving so hard the loss of an alcoholic liar and cheater. Writing this out helps. I still have moments of just being completely incredulous that someone is capable of doing what she did (engaging at least emotionally with the drunk alcoholic ex even before the wedding, then nose-diving further into the bars, alcohol and weed - and him - after being married, instead of trying to turn herself around) and then just completely turning away with no remorse whatsoever.
She is a very, very cold and dark human being and I want no reminders of it all. Thankfully, I have had absolutely zero contact with any of those bar friends either which is probably good, but it still amazes me that none of them give enough of a crap to check on me.
I'm getting tired of the emotional roller coaster. My spiritual side gets it and when I meditate and see my spiritual counselor it all makes sense and I find moments of peace. But my ego side is still majorly hurting and trying to make sense of it all and that side seems to be the stronger right now.
At least my previous ex-wife had the balls to come clean about the cheating, and I believe that is a big part as to why we were able to become friends again and still are. This most recent ex lives a life of lies and deception and she can't be bothered with feeling remorse, considering repercussions in life, and/or considering that she may have work to do on herself.
Anyway... I just wanted to get that out.
I went to the mail and there was a check for her from her school and the wedding pictures. My heart sank and the knots got stronger.
I have done incredibly well with having no contact - it is a month and a week and a half since she moved out and just over a month since I last saw her. There has been no contact otherwise.
Just the other day, I noticed that her toolbox was still here, but I was planning on just keeping it. She has also gotten other unimportant mail but I have just thrown it away. She obviously did not do a mail forwarding card at the post office. A friend of mine has offered to drop off the check and the pictures with her friend at her job and I am going to let him do that so I don't have to have any contact. I certainly don't even want to see those pictures or keep a copy of the zip drive.
It has been a slow go in my recovery - my ego self has been really trying to hold on - but i have more and more moments of clarity and peace, but today is a serious set back. Last week was her birthday and that hit me hard too.
I don't quite know why I am grieving so hard the loss of an alcoholic liar and cheater. Writing this out helps. I still have moments of just being completely incredulous that someone is capable of doing what she did (engaging at least emotionally with the drunk alcoholic ex even before the wedding, then nose-diving further into the bars, alcohol and weed - and him - after being married, instead of trying to turn herself around) and then just completely turning away with no remorse whatsoever.
She is a very, very cold and dark human being and I want no reminders of it all. Thankfully, I have had absolutely zero contact with any of those bar friends either which is probably good, but it still amazes me that none of them give enough of a crap to check on me.
I'm getting tired of the emotional roller coaster. My spiritual side gets it and when I meditate and see my spiritual counselor it all makes sense and I find moments of peace. But my ego side is still majorly hurting and trying to make sense of it all and that side seems to be the stronger right now.
At least my previous ex-wife had the balls to come clean about the cheating, and I believe that is a big part as to why we were able to become friends again and still are. This most recent ex lives a life of lies and deception and she can't be bothered with feeling remorse, considering repercussions in life, and/or considering that she may have work to do on herself.
Anyway... I just wanted to get that out.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment