Hi,
Our session last night was interesting, my wife admitted that she can be controlling, a perfectionist (things have to be done a certain way), and she has OCD tendencies.
We got on topic yesterday that we don't really talk to each other and have those intriguing conversations that we use to have, where both of us were genuinely interested in what the other person had to say. And I said I never feel comfortable talking to my wife because she makes me feel that I'm almost bothering her if I'm talking to her about things that interest me and I hate that feeling. And I told him it's not a balanced conversation when I'm talking to her; I feel over powered, inadequate, and what I do is not good enough for her.
She's in the "therapy" field as well; so when we get into discussions/arguments she's really good at articulating and remembers all the details to back her points up. I told our therapist it's like being at court and I'm defending myself against a lawyer. I'm not the greatest communicator so he says you just have to say what's on your mind, but based on previous experiences with her when I say something, maybe it doesn't come out the way I meant it, but it just gets twisted by her and it makes me feel incompetent. I don't know if this partly due the controlling nature she has.
She's really smart in writing department and I value her opinion but I feel like when I ask her for help with my business I get the body language of , do I really have to, instead of her really wanting to help me. The therapist said you have to tell her that if you feel this way when it happens, and I told him I have in the past and it just spirals into a back and forth bickering. And I told him I know exactly what she would say or has said in the past when I would say "if you don't want to help its fine I'll just fix it myself"…she'll go on to say "what are you talking about, I'm here aren't I; so I'll help you" but I just feel like saying you don't want to be hear your body language and facial expressions say so!
I started another post where I talked that small petty things like blinds being up, keeping the door closed, etc…she finds it a point to bring these things up to me in a very condescending tone saying things like "you always have to get your way" or "your mother really did a number on you"…things that really piss me off.
We also got on topic that she was talking to her friend that's married about us and my wife told her friend that she doesn't feel fully loved / romanticized by me and her friend said that she never gets this feeling from her husband. Now I know her friend's husband and this guy does absolutely nothing, not the romantic guy at all; so in therapy I asked her just so I can see what am I not doing or missing that her friend's husband is doing just to get some ideas and she couldn't provide any examples of what exactly he does that makes her friend feel so fulfilled with love by her husband.
When we use to get into fights about me not fulfilling her "affectionate needs" enough; she would say in a condescending voice…"look, I'm giving you the answers to the test and you are still not doing these simple things". She would never say what these simple things are and as a guy I need a little more direction to know exactly what she is thinking.
Another thing that I hate is overall we have a pretty good life. Great parents, in good health, a house, reliable jobs, good friends and family…however, she always seems to complain about things like I do all these things for other people and I feel like no one ever does things for me. Or she will constantly say if something doesn't go right "of course this will happen to me, why does god hate me so much". And I try to say you have to put those things to the side; overall we have a pretty good life don't take that for granted because of these stupid things…those are not real problems.
But the more I think about these interactions I would have with her above and other I have had; I wonder if this has something to do with her controlling, perfectionist, OCD personality. I always tell her when she complains or says I'm not showing her enough affection, "I don't know what relationship you are viewing but we have a pretty good relationship".
It feels like the love I show her is not enough for her and she's trying to control me into loving her the way she wants to be loved instead of just accepting me for me. I would love her to be a crazy sexually infused wife but in the end I know that's just not her; so I'm not going to force her to be this person when I know it's not her. So why do I have to keep on meeting her standards of controlling the affection I give her; I always feel like I will never be able to meet up to her standards as a good husband.
Thank you!
Our session last night was interesting, my wife admitted that she can be controlling, a perfectionist (things have to be done a certain way), and she has OCD tendencies.
We got on topic yesterday that we don't really talk to each other and have those intriguing conversations that we use to have, where both of us were genuinely interested in what the other person had to say. And I said I never feel comfortable talking to my wife because she makes me feel that I'm almost bothering her if I'm talking to her about things that interest me and I hate that feeling. And I told him it's not a balanced conversation when I'm talking to her; I feel over powered, inadequate, and what I do is not good enough for her.
She's in the "therapy" field as well; so when we get into discussions/arguments she's really good at articulating and remembers all the details to back her points up. I told our therapist it's like being at court and I'm defending myself against a lawyer. I'm not the greatest communicator so he says you just have to say what's on your mind, but based on previous experiences with her when I say something, maybe it doesn't come out the way I meant it, but it just gets twisted by her and it makes me feel incompetent. I don't know if this partly due the controlling nature she has.
She's really smart in writing department and I value her opinion but I feel like when I ask her for help with my business I get the body language of , do I really have to, instead of her really wanting to help me. The therapist said you have to tell her that if you feel this way when it happens, and I told him I have in the past and it just spirals into a back and forth bickering. And I told him I know exactly what she would say or has said in the past when I would say "if you don't want to help its fine I'll just fix it myself"…she'll go on to say "what are you talking about, I'm here aren't I; so I'll help you" but I just feel like saying you don't want to be hear your body language and facial expressions say so!
I started another post where I talked that small petty things like blinds being up, keeping the door closed, etc…she finds it a point to bring these things up to me in a very condescending tone saying things like "you always have to get your way" or "your mother really did a number on you"…things that really piss me off.
We also got on topic that she was talking to her friend that's married about us and my wife told her friend that she doesn't feel fully loved / romanticized by me and her friend said that she never gets this feeling from her husband. Now I know her friend's husband and this guy does absolutely nothing, not the romantic guy at all; so in therapy I asked her just so I can see what am I not doing or missing that her friend's husband is doing just to get some ideas and she couldn't provide any examples of what exactly he does that makes her friend feel so fulfilled with love by her husband.
When we use to get into fights about me not fulfilling her "affectionate needs" enough; she would say in a condescending voice…"look, I'm giving you the answers to the test and you are still not doing these simple things". She would never say what these simple things are and as a guy I need a little more direction to know exactly what she is thinking.
Another thing that I hate is overall we have a pretty good life. Great parents, in good health, a house, reliable jobs, good friends and family…however, she always seems to complain about things like I do all these things for other people and I feel like no one ever does things for me. Or she will constantly say if something doesn't go right "of course this will happen to me, why does god hate me so much". And I try to say you have to put those things to the side; overall we have a pretty good life don't take that for granted because of these stupid things…those are not real problems.
But the more I think about these interactions I would have with her above and other I have had; I wonder if this has something to do with her controlling, perfectionist, OCD personality. I always tell her when she complains or says I'm not showing her enough affection, "I don't know what relationship you are viewing but we have a pretty good relationship".
It feels like the love I show her is not enough for her and she's trying to control me into loving her the way she wants to be loved instead of just accepting me for me. I would love her to be a crazy sexually infused wife but in the end I know that's just not her; so I'm not going to force her to be this person when I know it's not her. So why do I have to keep on meeting her standards of controlling the affection I give her; I always feel like I will never be able to meet up to her standards as a good husband.
Thank you!
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