The more I vent about this the better I feel. This will be a long one guys so please bear with me...
Life has been too much, just too much for me during the last 4 weeks.
I met my wife (soon to be ex?) in college in 2009. I'm 31, she's 29.
Her parents divorced her when she was a child, and her mother was abusive to her while she took care of her. So she had to leave and move to another state to live with her father and stepmother.
She always had abandonment issues due to this.
I am not perfect either. I grew up in an environment where physical violence happened rarely between my parents but did happen. My dad treated my mother badly, not often at all, but I think it happened enough for me to left a mark in my mind. I also suffered other traumas that I don't feel like disclosing here in the past... so all those things altogether turned me into a person that would be highly critical, rude, and nasty towards my wife. This happened over almost seven years, and during those years I shoved her in three different occasions during very heated arguments over several years. In one of them she was inebriated and the other one she was yelling at me very aggressively and I couldn't control my stress. The third one was similar.
After those things happened I lost her trust. She says she still loves me but doesn't trust me anymore, and I understand that. I'm okay with it. It took me too long to to go therapy consistently and work on my issues. I am doing it now, although I think it's too late.
She quit her job a month ago more or less and started talking to a lawyer to get the divorce paperwork ready, and she did. When it was finally ready to be signed, she had a change of heart and said she didn't want to get divorced, but that she still didn't trust me.
Days went by and she finally had a day set up to leave and pack her stuff to move with her older sister. Before that happened I told her I'd go on a road trip because... why not? She was going to leave anyways. I tried to convince her that I was going to therapy and would never let go of it because I realized I have too many issues that don't allow me to be the caring, loving partner that she deserves. Please note: our relationship is complex, please don't think that I was a monster to her all the time. I did and said horrible things, but I also brought her a lot of joy to her life, she herself has said that.
Anyways... she didn't leave after I started my road trip and kept talking and texting while I was traveling. She said that she wanted to stay and work things out. Then changed her mind. Then she called me crying and brokenhearted and changed her mind again and promised me to wait for me to come back so I could resume therapy and continue working on things to reach a healthier marriage.
I shortened my stay in the west coast with family, drove like a madman for three days and made it back home. The two days before I arrived she started giving me the cold shower, being distant and cold. Another swing, another change of mind I thought. But she said she'd be here to see me and talk to me.
So I come back home and the house is there but all her personals are gone. She left a few things that are more or less important but not that much, as well as her cat. It was a traumatic event for me. I was exhausted, hadn't eaten and slept in days, and there I was inside an empty house where my wife was supposed to be waiting for me. I called her, five times in less than 7 minutes. I texted and begged her to please call me and get in touch with me. She called briefly and said she was stuck in heavy traffic and that she would call me again.
Meanwhile I called a friend and completely broke down. I cried, swore, felt the burning pain contained in my chest intensifying... my friend was good and just heard me patiently. It was literally one of the worst days of my life, and it happened only two days ago.
She finally called me like half an hour later and said that she was leaving because she didn't trust me, and because she needed time and space to figure out if she wants to file for divorce or work it out. Mind you, she had already promised to work it out... but... anyways, all I could do was nothing. I just said with a broken voice "what's going on, what's happening" while crying like I hadn't done in years. She said she was mad at me for this, and for everything, and that she was leaving. She also said that I should not contact her unless she initiated contact. All I could say was okay... yes... do what's best for you.
That day I felt completely crushed.
The day after she sent a text message saying that she never intended to hurt me that way, and that she left because she thought I would not make it back that day from my trip (which is BS cause I had said to her that I would be there that day in advance). She also said that she loved me very much but needed time and space to think about the relationship, what she will do, and to apply for jobs because she quit her job at our hometown very quickly, in a very reckless way. She already had trust issues and this was building up for a while, so one day a petty fight happens and then the ****storm ensued. So, she said that, and said that I could text her if I wanted while she was traveling.
I did and told her how hurt I was and how she bailed on our marriage during the most critical moment, after promising to stay. Then she brought up the times I shoved her and how nasty I had been in the past. And that I brought this up on myself. She basically said it's your fault and there's nothing you can do about that.
My therapist said that I need to establish boundaries and space as well because she is in survival mode. She has done this before by the way, this is actually the third time this happens. The first time we broke up and she kicked me out of the house. The second time she left me alone in our apartment and I had to move out ASAP as I could not afford the lease on my own.
I did not want to take care of my issues until recently when I felt too guilty about everything. However, I still see this pattern of her leaving when things get tough, the only difference is that now we are married and I'm actively trying to improve. Getting help, talking to people, and friends...
My friends just tell me to forget about this and move on. They said that yeah what I did was wrong -I admitted to that- but what she has been doing just is not fair either...
I called her yesterday and asked her why doesn't she just end things? I thought to myself that even though I love her, I don't want to be in separation limbo for a long time. She already took her stuff anyways. I can pack the rest and send it to her.
If she doesn't believe we can work this out under the same roof, then why bother? She is already applying for jobs where she is right now so there is no way she is thinking about coming back. She probably will ask me to move over there if she changes her mind and decides to work things out. I have a good job here, but I can do better once I get my Ph.D., which I will, and more opportunities will come to me.
So what, if anything, should I do? She said she does not trust me, and yet doesn't want to complete the paperwork because she says "who wants to divorce?", and "I still love you so much".
I don't understand women.
This situation has my life on hold and I will not be able to tolerate it for a long time.
What should I consider doing in these circumstances?
Thank you.
Life has been too much, just too much for me during the last 4 weeks.
I met my wife (soon to be ex?) in college in 2009. I'm 31, she's 29.
Her parents divorced her when she was a child, and her mother was abusive to her while she took care of her. So she had to leave and move to another state to live with her father and stepmother.
She always had abandonment issues due to this.
I am not perfect either. I grew up in an environment where physical violence happened rarely between my parents but did happen. My dad treated my mother badly, not often at all, but I think it happened enough for me to left a mark in my mind. I also suffered other traumas that I don't feel like disclosing here in the past... so all those things altogether turned me into a person that would be highly critical, rude, and nasty towards my wife. This happened over almost seven years, and during those years I shoved her in three different occasions during very heated arguments over several years. In one of them she was inebriated and the other one she was yelling at me very aggressively and I couldn't control my stress. The third one was similar.
After those things happened I lost her trust. She says she still loves me but doesn't trust me anymore, and I understand that. I'm okay with it. It took me too long to to go therapy consistently and work on my issues. I am doing it now, although I think it's too late.
She quit her job a month ago more or less and started talking to a lawyer to get the divorce paperwork ready, and she did. When it was finally ready to be signed, she had a change of heart and said she didn't want to get divorced, but that she still didn't trust me.
Days went by and she finally had a day set up to leave and pack her stuff to move with her older sister. Before that happened I told her I'd go on a road trip because... why not? She was going to leave anyways. I tried to convince her that I was going to therapy and would never let go of it because I realized I have too many issues that don't allow me to be the caring, loving partner that she deserves. Please note: our relationship is complex, please don't think that I was a monster to her all the time. I did and said horrible things, but I also brought her a lot of joy to her life, she herself has said that.
Anyways... she didn't leave after I started my road trip and kept talking and texting while I was traveling. She said that she wanted to stay and work things out. Then changed her mind. Then she called me crying and brokenhearted and changed her mind again and promised me to wait for me to come back so I could resume therapy and continue working on things to reach a healthier marriage.
I shortened my stay in the west coast with family, drove like a madman for three days and made it back home. The two days before I arrived she started giving me the cold shower, being distant and cold. Another swing, another change of mind I thought. But she said she'd be here to see me and talk to me.
So I come back home and the house is there but all her personals are gone. She left a few things that are more or less important but not that much, as well as her cat. It was a traumatic event for me. I was exhausted, hadn't eaten and slept in days, and there I was inside an empty house where my wife was supposed to be waiting for me. I called her, five times in less than 7 minutes. I texted and begged her to please call me and get in touch with me. She called briefly and said she was stuck in heavy traffic and that she would call me again.
Meanwhile I called a friend and completely broke down. I cried, swore, felt the burning pain contained in my chest intensifying... my friend was good and just heard me patiently. It was literally one of the worst days of my life, and it happened only two days ago.
She finally called me like half an hour later and said that she was leaving because she didn't trust me, and because she needed time and space to figure out if she wants to file for divorce or work it out. Mind you, she had already promised to work it out... but... anyways, all I could do was nothing. I just said with a broken voice "what's going on, what's happening" while crying like I hadn't done in years. She said she was mad at me for this, and for everything, and that she was leaving. She also said that I should not contact her unless she initiated contact. All I could say was okay... yes... do what's best for you.
That day I felt completely crushed.
The day after she sent a text message saying that she never intended to hurt me that way, and that she left because she thought I would not make it back that day from my trip (which is BS cause I had said to her that I would be there that day in advance). She also said that she loved me very much but needed time and space to think about the relationship, what she will do, and to apply for jobs because she quit her job at our hometown very quickly, in a very reckless way. She already had trust issues and this was building up for a while, so one day a petty fight happens and then the ****storm ensued. So, she said that, and said that I could text her if I wanted while she was traveling.
I did and told her how hurt I was and how she bailed on our marriage during the most critical moment, after promising to stay. Then she brought up the times I shoved her and how nasty I had been in the past. And that I brought this up on myself. She basically said it's your fault and there's nothing you can do about that.
My therapist said that I need to establish boundaries and space as well because she is in survival mode. She has done this before by the way, this is actually the third time this happens. The first time we broke up and she kicked me out of the house. The second time she left me alone in our apartment and I had to move out ASAP as I could not afford the lease on my own.
I did not want to take care of my issues until recently when I felt too guilty about everything. However, I still see this pattern of her leaving when things get tough, the only difference is that now we are married and I'm actively trying to improve. Getting help, talking to people, and friends...
My friends just tell me to forget about this and move on. They said that yeah what I did was wrong -I admitted to that- but what she has been doing just is not fair either...
I called her yesterday and asked her why doesn't she just end things? I thought to myself that even though I love her, I don't want to be in separation limbo for a long time. She already took her stuff anyways. I can pack the rest and send it to her.
If she doesn't believe we can work this out under the same roof, then why bother? She is already applying for jobs where she is right now so there is no way she is thinking about coming back. She probably will ask me to move over there if she changes her mind and decides to work things out. I have a good job here, but I can do better once I get my Ph.D., which I will, and more opportunities will come to me.
So what, if anything, should I do? She said she does not trust me, and yet doesn't want to complete the paperwork because she says "who wants to divorce?", and "I still love you so much".
I don't understand women.
This situation has my life on hold and I will not be able to tolerate it for a long time.
What should I consider doing in these circumstances?
Thank you.
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