Lurking Beneath the Surface...

The ANGER and pent up rage and resentment is always there. It's there beneath the surface, behind the smiles, the laughs, the good moments that are far and few between. It taints it all and turns simple disputes into World War III. My ex and I are not in R but he is/has been trying to pursue one but making plenty of fumbles along the way that just add to the anger, to the pain and push me further away from him. Close my heart to him and make me lose that last cliffhanging shred of respect. I've also made a lot of fumbles because of my anger. I have not forgiven him. I won't do it yet. In honesty, he is not deserving of it and I'm not ready to let it go as hard as I try. Last night was just another example of how damaging having all of this anger hidden in the undergrowth... The baby woke up. I was trying to relax, drink a beer, read a book. This is the baby that I was eight months pregnant with when I found out he'd been cheating. The same baby (who I love with all of my heart, as much as I do our older son), that my ex left me alone to raise for eleven months with naught an ounce of care of how I was coping or help or a break. The same baby who he couldn't hold for more than fifteen minutes for the first six months of his life because he didn't spend enough time with him for them to bond and the baby to know that he was his father. (They have bonded now and the baby adores him/feeling is mutual). So yes, I have a lot of resentment when the baby cries and he halfheartedly attempts to soothe him back to sleep and then comes to me to do it because he's too lazy to rock him or fix him a bottle and needs me to do it because he can't handle it himself. I resent him for needing my help in times like these when he didn't care to leave me all alone to handle it by myself for nearly a year. So I refused to help him. Then he got mad at me. Words were traded that were unkind to either of us. Needless to say, this ended badly. I am not proud of it but I know why it happened. The anger and resentment is always there, ready to set me off on occasions such as this. We have a two-bedroom house and two kids so I'd been sleeping in separate beds/rooms ever since he's been staying over since we are not in R. I was sleeping in the living-room on the pull-out sofa with the baby and he was in our old bedroom when he is here. I ended up kicking him out of the bedroom. (I already said I'm not proud of it). I packed up all of his things and put them upstairs and told him he could sleep upstairs on the sofabed or on one of the bunk-beds in our oldest's room instead of me. I claimed the bedroom as my own and slept downstairs in a real bed with the baby.

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