Gay

I am not Muslim, but my family is. I am an atheist, although this is not known as it would be a lot worse. I live in the UK, 19, On my gap - year not sure about University. Working at New Look, +Reasonable amount of cash saved up. Hello folks as the title suggests I am gay. I haven't physically opened my mouth and told anybody, but my parents saw my phone and my texts to my boyfriend..So basically they know. They were demanding to know who he is and where he lives but of course I haven't told them, they said they want to talk to him. lol. This was a week ago... I am Egyptian and they would never accept it. My mom is continually telling me if I am gay then I would have to leave her home, that I would be embarrassing her for the rest of her life, that I will have broken her heart, that I am disgusting, that I will never see them again, that I will have destroyed all their dreams (arranged marriage, being straight). Although she is continually telling me I am not gay but then saying she knows I am, and she really does know I am but she is trying to convince me I am not lol. I am not allowed to talk to anyone, well haven't been at least for this week and my mother has my phone. I don't know what to do I'm really depressed, cut a bit but didn't help. I am forbidden from talking to anyone, my boyfriend is scared for me and himself. Although I know my parents wouldn't honor kill me, but they may beat the crap out of me until that point. My mom keeps crying and making me feel bad I now feel bad for being gay. So I am very mixed up but of course I can't control it...So I haven't slept because as you can probably guess this is f*cking me up in my head I feel really bad for being gay. People are telling me to move out because I genuinely do have the means, but I feel bad whenever I think about that because my parents have cared for me and done so much for me from birth but I know they will never come round. And even if I tell them I am straight, get an arranged marriage and probably kill myself. In between they will never forgive me for this. Whenever I think about leaving I always see my mother crying in my head and it makes me feel very bad..But I can't stop crying myself so I don't know what to do really...My dad almost came very close to battering me the other day, but held himself back. He said he wanted to choose me a wife in the future (few years ahead) and that I had ruined that for him and I had embarrassed him now. I don't know how to feel, or If I am a bad person or not..even though I don't think I am :(

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