| Hi all, I'm a young man, 28, and married to who I thought would be by my side for life. As I'm posting in this forum we can all assume that is not the case and a separation will be drafted next week. I am starting to see that in my relationship I was a victim of verbal and emotional abuse - which is very hard to admit or see. I don't know what I am looking for by posting my experience here, but perhaps some honest conversation and support would be my goal. My wife and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, married for just over 2 years. We have had our ups and downs as any marriage does, but Sunday night a line was crossed and I don't have the strength to try and mend this again. I apologize for the length of this first post, but some background will hopefully help with my situation. We dated for 6 months long distance, approximately 4 hours of flying separated us. We did manage to see each other almost bi-weekly though as I have always been in a position professionally that time off and travel costs were not a huge burden for me. During this time my wife (gf at the time) would go off for 1 or 2 days without cell service and come back bragging about drunk she got with a large group of male friends. Bolstering this were claims of getting naked and how everyone always "hooked up" - except her of course, although she couldn't remember 85% of the weekend. She was young, in university, it was the way it was. At the same time, I was carrying on some flirtatious conversations online with an old fling. Now that I look back on it I can say with 100% certainty I was being a child and looking to do something similar to what she was doing, it was ok for her to get black out drunk and most likely flirt with a number of people in person, I could do it online. At the 6 month mark she moved across the country and in with me. Within 2 months I had proposed to her and in another 6 we were married. 4 months after our wedding my wife went onto my Facebook page and started to snoop, within an hour she came across the conversations I had with this old fling and had a complete break down. She was convinced I was cheating on her during the time I was writing those messages, kicked me out of our home, said she never wanted to see me again. The next day we reconciled and I moved back home. 3 months later we moved to the opposite side of the country away from all of my friends and family (whom she never liked or had any interest in getting to know). This was 18 months ago. Almost like clock work - every 4 months a fight based off of those messages comes back up. I am reminded of what a horrible person I am, that I am disgusting, a pig, and of course many other words and phrases. This is usually followed by me sleeping in the spare bedroom or her in the spare bedroom for a number of weeks. Over this time I again apologize and do everything I can to make things right. But, within 4 or so months another blow up occurs, and worse than the last. After one of these fights my wife had said she wanted a divorce. This was one of the worst fights we had been through to date. I was on the couch for weeks, during this time I joined an online site for married people looking to step outside their bounds. I was drunk, sad, lonely, and looking for someone to talk to. I woke up in the morning, decided that it was a horrible idea and never looked at it again. As usual, a few weeks later we reconciled. Then, months later, my wife somehow finds the old profile and assumes it is me. This is the day I returned home from day surgery and a week prior to Christmas. She threatened to call the police and say I was abusing her, through stuff around our house and once again kicked me out. This time I almost ended it. I have a lawyer on retainer due to my business who also dabbles in family law, I went in and spoke with her and started to put paperwork together for a separation agreement. But, against all advice from family, frien ds and my lawyer I went home, we reconciled, and over the next few weeks got back to center. I really did think that was the last major blow up for us. It got bad, we both regretted what we had done, and both wanted to make this work. Fast forward to this weekend... We are on what is supposed to be a vacation of our lifetime in France for the F1 race in Monaco. Everything is going ok, not great but ok, and then on Sunday night she gets bumped by a security guard in a crowded line while we are trying to exit a hotel. In her mind I was supposed to stand up and fight the guy, I chose to pull her aside and let him pass as it wasn't worth our effort. Due to this I do not support her and am in turn a worthless human being. The shove from the security guard then starts a cascade of fighting from her - I cheated on her 3 years ago with the internet ****, I was trying to cheat on the website, I am a cheap ******* who only spends money on themselves etc. The really gritty details will be left out, but needless to say I'm now sleeping alone in a 5 star hotel in Nice while she stays with family in London. I paid for her to take a last minute to London while I stayed here. Now I'm not a perfect husband. I do lose focus at times, I stress too much about work and I have a crude sense of humour. BUT I've never cheated, and never thought of it. Below is a list of what I do do in our relationship. Pay for her university. Pay every bill and vacation Cook every meal Buy all the groceries Clean up after the animals - Plan a vow renewal (this past thursday) on the side of a castle in the french riviera - to which she loves and enjoys and then decides to leave on Sunday. Apologize for all mistakes - whether they are mine or not Give her foot rubs Give her back rubs Buy her gifts, flowers, dresses etc. Make time for her every night Try to keep the house clean Work non stop to afford our lifestyle Do absolutely anything she asks me to, no questions asked Offer to help with anything else What she has done Gone to school - not yet finished does not cook does not clean does not do yard work gets angry at "men" in general and then takes it out on me for days on end I can continue on, but this is where it all sits at this time. I'm terrified that when I get home on Thursday I'm going to watch my life slowly fade away. To top this off, her father is currently house sitting for us and taking care of our two dogs. He's also picking us up from the airport (she's flying back to france on wednesday so she can catch our original flight back home). I am planning on driving everyone back to the house, dropping her and her father off and then getting a hotel for a few days so that they can talk. My current feelings - some relief that this is over, mostly terrified of what is to come, and grief that I couldn't make this work along with disappointment in myself. | |||
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