| I have been married for 11 years and I always felt my husband and I had a strong marriage, because we have been through so many difficult times and made it through. But our marriage has been very stressful. My husband was in school for 8 years, just to get a bachelor's degree, which he can't use in this economy. He then went to technical school for about a year and a half until he realized the program wasn't teaching him anything he would need to find a job. He has never held a job in the 11 years we've been married - he tried to find work when we first got married, didn't have luck, then decided to go to school. I blame myself some for not forcing him to look harder for a job while he was in school, but he never put a focus on it either. I have been the sole supporter for our family financially, did all of the cooking and most of the cleaning, did everything for our 2 girls, one who had developmental needs and the other who currently has be havioral needs. I also had to do a lot for my husband, who seemed incapable of doing some things on his own, like putting together a resume, managing money in our joint checking account, and such. On top of all of this, my husband developed performance issues, and we haven't had intercourse in over a year. He wants to get help for his problem, but we've never been able to afford health insurance until recently. And we really can't afford it now. A few years ago, after struggling with what I thought was regular depression, I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have bipolar type II, which is not supposed to be as bad because I spend most of my time being depressed and don't experience full mania. It can be controlled with medication, but over time I stopped taking care of myself, because I was so overwhelmed with everyone else in my family. I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed, and I was inconsistent with my meds. Finally about 2 months ago I experienced the worst bipolar episode I had ever experienced in my life, which had been building for a while. I was extremely irritable, uncontrollable mood swings, and the worst is that I came pretty close to experience true mania. It took all of the strength in the world to keep from doing things I would regret - like buying a $600 computer on a whim or having an affair. I did not have an affair, but I began seeking out men because I was extremely hypersexual, ano ther symptom of mania. Fortunately, I was able to see my doctor to get a medication added to treat the mania before I did anything too drastic. I did meet a couple of men online that was short lived, I got involved in more sexually related conversations with another guy, which was bad, but I cut that off completely about two weeks ago, before anything actually happened. The problem is that one guy I met during that time has actually turned into a good friend. Nothing has happened other than us just talking on the phone. He is divorced and his wife cheated on him, so he let me know nothing would happen between us unless I actually separated from my husband. He really is a good guy. And I am trying so hard to get better, I've been taking my meds religiously and going to therapy. I NEVER want to get as bad as I have been in the past few months. A few weeks ago I told my husband I was not happy and that I just didn't know if I could take the stress of our marriage anymore, especially when too much stress can trigger my bipolar episodes. He of course was very defensive about a lot of things, like pointing out the things he does around the house (which is still a very short list) and reassuring me that he has been looking for work. I told him that he needs to go to some career counselor or employment agency to help him figure out what he is doing wrong. But he then points out to me that I have been distant from him, that he may try to kiss me and I don't kiss him back. And I realize that he is right, I have been feeling distant from him. I think the performance issues affected me more than I ever expected - when we weren't able to do anything, I just stopped caring about intimacy. I figured, what's the point, I won't get to have intimacy any time soon. When I told him I thought maybe we should separate, he was broken. He said he would take over all of the cleaning and some of the cooking. It was then that we decided to get him health insurance so he can get help for his performance issues - which he assured me was NOT my fault, but what woman wouldn't feel unattractive from this? Especially since he's just 39 years old and shouldn't have these problems. But ever since I brought this up a few weeks ago he HAS been doing so much more around the house, it's been amazing. But he has a habit of doing a lot when I have an emotional breakdown, then he slacks off once I calm down a bit. So it's hard to know if this is a permanent change or just because I brought up separating. The point of all of this is that I love my husband, more than anything in the world. He is my best friend. But I don't feel IN love with him anymore. And I feel like it has just been an accumulation of all of the years of stress that has gotten to me. We don't do anything different than I would do with any of my friends - we talk about sports, laugh at a comedy on TV, go out to lunch. I think I will always care about him. But I want to separate, and I know it should not be because of this other guy, but part of it is. But I feel guilty about how it would affect my kids, how it would affect my husband. He has no job, what would he do without me? I can't just throw him out on the street, although he does have a friend nearby who he might be able to stay with. But I feel like I will probably stay, and just be miserable. I'm also worried that if I stay I will resent my husband because I was unable to get to know this other guy better, because I really need to break off contact with him if I'm going to focus on our marriage. Sounds stupid, but I already feel that way a bit. I've been putting off breaking off our conversations because I have been crying at the thought of no longer talking to him and just focusing on my husband. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel selfish for wanting to be happy. I don't know if separating will make me happy or reduce stress though. It will probably just create different stressors. But I do wish my husband was capable of being more independent without me, because I do care about him. | |||
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