| hiya everyone :) i am sorry for my first entry to be asking for help but... bah. i am so sorry for the length!!! i didn't know what to leave out and what to share... i'm so sorry about the length. ahh.. ok... starting. i honestly have never seen a happy or good marriage... i have no self esteem, so i am not sure what is wrong of me, right of me, stupid of me...etc. i grew up...in a unique and abusive place. not using this as an excuse, rather trying to give a bit of background.... i don't know if there is something wrong with me or if what i ask for is normal or too much... please help, and as stupid and selfish as it may sound to ask, please don't be too harsh on me... i know i am stupid. me & my husband have been together for over 3 years, married though only a couple of weeks... but we have lived together for over a year before marriage. a bit about me: i am in my early 20s, have 2 online businesses and another i am trying so hard to start up as well as studying part time. Finally, i also am a writer and do freelance work as well. money is NOT good at all due to some unrelated "issues" and bills. i work from home, we live in a studio apartment. a bit about him: he is in his early 30s, doesn't work (he does help around the house), he is very artistic, could easily use his art to make money. i am an artist in my own regard, not as good as him, but still. i use it as a source of income, or try to...he won't spend any time even trying to do his art anymore. he says he is a failure and goes to sleep when he tries. i love laughing but havent been able to the past few weeks because it seems he is always joking. i love how we laugh and joke, but after a wedding and "honeymoon" centered around his wants of nothing special, (because we can do that later in life)... since that week i haven't been able to see much of the funny side to things, especially since that is all there is. i truly do not mind being the sole source of income if he only showed he cared, if he showed some thoughtfulness again. i need to add he is clean for the first time in his life, a very long term of using. i am 100% sure he is clean. i don't know if it was the drugs before that allowed him to let his guard down and show his emotions? he still shows them now, but nothing like he used to. he used to try to keep it balanced. though at times it did get like this but more on that below. before we got married, he knew what i wanted from marriage. we managed to answer 3 of the 10 questions in this little booklet for engaged couples to answer, one was, what do you want from marriage and from your spouse- what i want is: balance, romance, a little time, interest in each others world and interests, making sure we have time to communicate and share things... and no lies, or making promises one can't keep. of course there is more but these are the ones he struggles with, minus the lies. is that too much to ask? let me explain a bit more i suppose? i am under a lot of stress from personal things which have nothing to do with our relationship, it would be nice if i could have peace in our home but i don't anymore. the day after our wedding, we went on a trip around the state ...... with his parents. him and his family are all from the uk, so i understand they (his parents, he's been here with me for awhile and knows the US) but they wanted to see places, and he wanted to go along. i can't say no if it seems if he wants something. i figure if i was worth the honeymoon dream thing he would have said that. but the plans we had were changed and in the car that morning i cried before his parents got in and we headed out. ...cried like a moron. he saw me crying, he knew why and made promises but none of them came true. now that we are back, i am still hurt by all of this, i know that i should just get over it, but he made me feel so worthless, i've rarely had beautiful and nice things in my life and am working so very hard to get them. but the one dream i've always had was this time of my life. it would be magical, just in the since that... i would be wanted *even more, and loved and we would spend time together and .... etc. maybe i am unrealistic. bah. i'm so sad about that, i am sure in time i'll get over it. i am sad i suppose about it because the principle is still happening...broken promises, no real time spent *together*, no romance, empty words, etc. he asked me to write or find him stuff to print for him to read about how he can make me happy again. though this was insane to me, i did it, he spent time going through it and we discussed which ones he thinks he needs to improve on, etc. again, he promised he wouldn't forget and would work on them... but hasn't touched the papers since. i love video games, but can't play as he does because i work and he doesn't. but when we play together, it is nice...but it is not special "one on one" time... i am not asking for sexual, that he covers and hopefully i won't lose that side, too lol- and honestly lately even that makes me sad because the emotional side is hurting so bad. i just want...emotional intimacy too, like we normally have when he isn't addicted to games. as noted, i am the only one working, i work from home in our studio apartment while he usually sleeps all day and plays video games all night. i dont require much sleep, his sleep only bothers me because it's either, i am lonely with him asleep, and even more lonely with him awake. he does ask me to play games with him, as he knows i am a gamer too. but as i said, right now we are struggling greatly, and my work needs all of my attention at night. during the day i am way more flexible. but he is asleep then. the only time we sleep together is when i wait for him to go to bed and then i use my 2 hours then. the naps are a bit disrupted due to his loud games but it's better than tv shows or movies i suppose. so... to pull all of this together.... he has been doing small things to try, i think. he will leave me a note at random sometimes, telling me he loves me, or he will go with me on photo-shoots. i know him keeping himself busy is the key to keeping him clean... maybe i am being selfish, i don't know - i am trying so hard to be a good wife, but i don't feel married. he began being this way after one of his former drug friends died a week before our wedding. since then he has confessed to lies i already knew were lies (re: drugs) and after a few deep conversations about drugs after his friends passing, he has started this. more i read what i write, the more i think it is clear that he probably is just preoccupying himself..? he says he is fine, and to be honest when we lived together before he was like this as well when he got addicted to a game. he has a very addictive personality. i am very sensitive, and miss the drawings and poems and walks at night and the list of things to do together, ... i miss the balance. i hope i said everything i should and not too much or too little... i am sorry if i did either one... please be kind... i will stop here but if i didnt answer something, please do let me know... if you read this.... thank you with all my heart. hope you are all blessed :) | |||
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