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It's The End of July

And I told my wife of 22 years on June 7 that I want a divorce. Of course, she said no. I wanted to go to a mediator, wanted no other way. She wanted to go to a counselor, again.

I feel nothing for her. Zero. Zip. Yet I am still here and don't no how to take the next step. Our 16 year old son, a picture of depression, seems to be coming around a little at a time. This week he is at camp, a step that took a lot of effort to get him to do. Do I risk taking the next step, divorce, at his expense? Geez. I wish this were easy.

I find myself constantly craving closeness, yet I don't want to risk it with my wife. It makes me feel like a pitiful jerk who just wants his wife gone so he can mess around. Yet I know that's not it. I want a companion, I want affection that I have not experienced for many years.

We are at the end of a week where both children were gone, yet we have not made much time for each other. If she wants reconciliation, she has a funny way of showing it.

Who says men do not experience pain? I am in hell.

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