Hi there, as I reread what I wrote I thought my story sounded ridiculous, mainly because I have digested this particular issue and kind of made up my mind to change me. But because I still couldn't comprehend everything, I thought to seek your opinion to what I thought bothered me.
My husband likes to cut me off with an OK when I speak. I find that rude, I see that as him telling me to shut up indirectly. He does that at times when I am telling him or explaining something.
He also expresses himself with a tilt the head up looking at the ceiling, cover his eyes with his hands, or sigh when we disagreed. At times when I ask him for help, instead of saying no, he sighed but will insist he was only tired or just breathing. He insisted it was okay and not because he was reluctant to do it (I would rather he says no as if it wasn't important I would tell him okay, it can wait!) I see these signs as disrespectful to me.
Recent months I have been working on me, so everything has been pretty okay (as in no arguments with improvements, but things can be better) but not that day, I was really hurt and offended by him.
A few days ago I was talking to him and midway he interrupted me with an impatient okokok to me. I asked him for help, to give me his opinion about what I wrote, but he started editing so I tried to tell him (while he was reading) that he doesn't need to edit my work as all (It was especially important because I didn't even proofread my work yet, and I prefer to put in the effort before anyone else comes do it for me).
I told him that his impatient okokok was a rude response and his argument was I interrupted him when he was trying to read. I later tried to explain how if he doesn't behave or treat his boss, co-workers or friends that way, he shouldn't be doing that to me. He thought it was not the same as the relationship he has with me is not the same as his relationship with the others. I told him that he was using that as an excuse to justify how it was okay for him to be rude to me. He said sure he will do the same to the others at work but there won't be an opportunity for him to do so, so I said if his boss or subordinates were to walk in and talk to him while he was reading, would he actually interrupt them and says okokok (with an attitude)? He didn't respond to that.
When we spoke again later I asked him to apologize for disrespecting me. He said I disrespected him (how I have no clue, and it always feels like he has an excuse for something) and he apologized but he made it clear that he was not happy to apologize. That pissed me off, and an angry argument ensued.
i asked my elderly female friend about this and was told it's my fault for interrupting him while he was reading. She thought it was perfectly normal for him to be irritated and responded the way he did. She also thought he should be able to express himself (be it roll eyes, sigh, tilt head whatever that it is). I was also told I have high expectations, and I should step back and see it from my husband's point of view.
I understood what she said but I could not understand why it was okay to not expect respect from my husband. She said I shouldn't expect respect from anyone (including my husband) as that would make my life difficult. She mentioned I need to remember the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
After a day and a half of husband and I not talking, I initiated the conversation about what happened and I shared what my elderly female friend told me. I told him I needed to work on me, and I will work on having zero expectations from him. He disagreed with the old lady's advice saying everyone should have some expectations and old lady's advice was an unhealthy coping mechanism. The issue didn't resolve, he still thinks he didn't disrespect me, and he should have his right to express the way he wants it. But I see it differently, however the idea of having zero expectations has set in, and that's what I am thinking I should be doing. If I can train myself to accept that's how he is, then perhaps that be the best way for the marriage. Accept without any resentment, that is.
I'm sorry for the long post. Please tell me what you think.
My husband likes to cut me off with an OK when I speak. I find that rude, I see that as him telling me to shut up indirectly. He does that at times when I am telling him or explaining something.
He also expresses himself with a tilt the head up looking at the ceiling, cover his eyes with his hands, or sigh when we disagreed. At times when I ask him for help, instead of saying no, he sighed but will insist he was only tired or just breathing. He insisted it was okay and not because he was reluctant to do it (I would rather he says no as if it wasn't important I would tell him okay, it can wait!) I see these signs as disrespectful to me.
Recent months I have been working on me, so everything has been pretty okay (as in no arguments with improvements, but things can be better) but not that day, I was really hurt and offended by him.
A few days ago I was talking to him and midway he interrupted me with an impatient okokok to me. I asked him for help, to give me his opinion about what I wrote, but he started editing so I tried to tell him (while he was reading) that he doesn't need to edit my work as all (It was especially important because I didn't even proofread my work yet, and I prefer to put in the effort before anyone else comes do it for me).
I told him that his impatient okokok was a rude response and his argument was I interrupted him when he was trying to read. I later tried to explain how if he doesn't behave or treat his boss, co-workers or friends that way, he shouldn't be doing that to me. He thought it was not the same as the relationship he has with me is not the same as his relationship with the others. I told him that he was using that as an excuse to justify how it was okay for him to be rude to me. He said sure he will do the same to the others at work but there won't be an opportunity for him to do so, so I said if his boss or subordinates were to walk in and talk to him while he was reading, would he actually interrupt them and says okokok (with an attitude)? He didn't respond to that.
When we spoke again later I asked him to apologize for disrespecting me. He said I disrespected him (how I have no clue, and it always feels like he has an excuse for something) and he apologized but he made it clear that he was not happy to apologize. That pissed me off, and an angry argument ensued.
i asked my elderly female friend about this and was told it's my fault for interrupting him while he was reading. She thought it was perfectly normal for him to be irritated and responded the way he did. She also thought he should be able to express himself (be it roll eyes, sigh, tilt head whatever that it is). I was also told I have high expectations, and I should step back and see it from my husband's point of view.
I understood what she said but I could not understand why it was okay to not expect respect from my husband. She said I shouldn't expect respect from anyone (including my husband) as that would make my life difficult. She mentioned I need to remember the phrase "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
After a day and a half of husband and I not talking, I initiated the conversation about what happened and I shared what my elderly female friend told me. I told him I needed to work on me, and I will work on having zero expectations from him. He disagreed with the old lady's advice saying everyone should have some expectations and old lady's advice was an unhealthy coping mechanism. The issue didn't resolve, he still thinks he didn't disrespect me, and he should have his right to express the way he wants it. But I see it differently, however the idea of having zero expectations has set in, and that's what I am thinking I should be doing. If I can train myself to accept that's how he is, then perhaps that be the best way for the marriage. Accept without any resentment, that is.
I'm sorry for the long post. Please tell me what you think.
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