Need some help to gain clarity about myself and how to proceed please--I think I've made a huge mistake in marrying.
Met my husband of 9 months online. We're not kids, he's 60, I'm 58. I lived in a large city, he lived very rurally (in a neighboring state). I sold everything, quit a high-paying job and moved to his home. I brought quite a bit of money to the marriage, he had none but worked for himself and made a very average living. I knew all that and signed up for it. It was to be a big change for me, but I was ready to get out of the rat race and start a new life. (my 1st husband of 35 years died 2 years previously.)
Our dream was to build a house in the country--he's a very talented builder. Before our marriage, he'd gotten a loan to do the construction work. To make a long story short(er), the loan money was spent very quickly, and now half of the money I brought to the marriage is gone too! (low 6 figures).
Stupidly, I put my money into joint accounts with him--since my first husband and I saw eye-to-eye on financial and other issues, I assumed this was the way to go in a happy marriage--and we had discussed finances before our marriage--I just didn't ask ENOUGH questions I guess.
"Our" house is still in the basement stage! "My" money supporting this house build, his business and us has been the way of it . I'm a saver--he's always just made ends meet. We've talked about how I'm tired of footing the bills for this build and everything else. He simply says "what do you want to do?" In his mind, he's doing what we both wanted--building this house. If I say stop now--we have no house and I continue to foot the bills for his business, only less so if he goes back to work. If he goes back to work, he can't build our house.
I don't see any way out of this mess. If I say stop on the house, I foresee huge resentment on his part although he says not. The only thing running through my mind lately is running away from this mess I've created. I've been so consumed with leaving, I can't think rationally about how to/what other options there are for us.
I do love him, but wonder if he loves me--the communication, sex, everything has basically stopped. Probably because we're both stressed about this. Can anyone provide clarity for me? I'll probably get pretty beat up here! But I do own the fact that I should have asked MORE questions about finances etc. before I married. Thanks.
Met my husband of 9 months online. We're not kids, he's 60, I'm 58. I lived in a large city, he lived very rurally (in a neighboring state). I sold everything, quit a high-paying job and moved to his home. I brought quite a bit of money to the marriage, he had none but worked for himself and made a very average living. I knew all that and signed up for it. It was to be a big change for me, but I was ready to get out of the rat race and start a new life. (my 1st husband of 35 years died 2 years previously.)
Our dream was to build a house in the country--he's a very talented builder. Before our marriage, he'd gotten a loan to do the construction work. To make a long story short(er), the loan money was spent very quickly, and now half of the money I brought to the marriage is gone too! (low 6 figures).
Stupidly, I put my money into joint accounts with him--since my first husband and I saw eye-to-eye on financial and other issues, I assumed this was the way to go in a happy marriage--and we had discussed finances before our marriage--I just didn't ask ENOUGH questions I guess.
"Our" house is still in the basement stage! "My" money supporting this house build, his business and us has been the way of it . I'm a saver--he's always just made ends meet. We've talked about how I'm tired of footing the bills for this build and everything else. He simply says "what do you want to do?" In his mind, he's doing what we both wanted--building this house. If I say stop now--we have no house and I continue to foot the bills for his business, only less so if he goes back to work. If he goes back to work, he can't build our house.
I don't see any way out of this mess. If I say stop on the house, I foresee huge resentment on his part although he says not. The only thing running through my mind lately is running away from this mess I've created. I've been so consumed with leaving, I can't think rationally about how to/what other options there are for us.
I do love him, but wonder if he loves me--the communication, sex, everything has basically stopped. Probably because we're both stressed about this. Can anyone provide clarity for me? I'll probably get pretty beat up here! But I do own the fact that I should have asked MORE questions about finances etc. before I married. Thanks.
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