I have been with my boyfriend seriously for around 9 months but all together we have probably been seeing each other for 2 years. When we first met he had a girlfriend we stupidly kissed for around the next 3 months nothing else went on but I started to notice he would be out at a lot of the places I was. The main reason we never done anything for them 3 months is he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. Me and him actually worked together during this time and I knew his relationship was very difficult and he felt trapped. Him and his girlfriend split whilst she was pregnant and we started to see each other just for sex I know I shouldn't off but I couldn't help it, it went on like this for quite a while just very casual. A few months later we admitted to each other that we loved on another, this was very hard for me to admit I just wanted it to stay casual he had a lot of drama going on and we were a release for one another. All my friends at the time were adamant I had fallen in love with him and I did finally admit it to him. One night we were out and I decided to try and make him jealous by flirting with another guy to see how he felt about me, that was all though just flirting. It caused quite a serious argument between us for a few days. He admitted that it broke his heart when he saw it (sorry I'm waffling, we ended up together at this point). Everything was going great I was completely in love he met my family I met his, about 3 months later he cheated with his ex the one who he has a child with. She messaged me to tell me what had happened that he was saying on that night all he wants us for them to get back together and be a family. His ex was genuinely nice I got the impression she just wanted me to know what he was like. After this I was devastated we split up and he was quite nasty towards me I don't know why but I knew that I loved him and I gave him another chance. Its been 6 months since then and every time I have a drink I hate him I act like I don't even care about him I cant get out of my head what he had done how they must have been touching/ talking, that night. About a month ago we moved in together it just happened so quick literally in a week I wasn't expecting it to happen that fast at all. My behaviour has got worse its like when I drink I self-destruct I take stupid amounts of drugs and I cant stand my boyfriend since we've been living together I feel like he has been taking me for a mug, he is quite happy to let me pay for things but if I ask him for anything say the other week £10 to go the shop, he says I have borrowed it and must give it him back. The point I'm really trying to get to is last Friday I was the most wasted I have ever been I didn't go home and told my boyfriend I went to a friends because she was really upset but actually went with my friend to meet a lad she is seeing theyre were some other people they're I ended up sleeping with a lad I have known for a few years I do not fancy him and the worst part is I have no memory of the sex at all, I genuinely didn't think I had done anything until the next day when my friend told me I had she had walked in on us. My boyfriend did not speak to me all the next day he was furious I never came home. I know he suspects something and I am acting so strange around him, he doesn't know the lad I slept with he knows of him the lad has promised he won't say anything to anyone I don't know how much I can trust that. I am going to a clinic to get checked right now but me and my boyfriend have always had a very healthy sex life the fact I haven't had sex with him yet is already going to make him suspicious how can I put him off till I receive STI results, I'm pretending to be ill at the moment. Sometimes I think I should just tell him to ease my guilt but I feel like I have finally realised I love my boyfriend with all my heart and don't want to hurt him I realise now that he is who I want! What do I do?
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