just a bit of a backstory, me and me wife have been together for ten years now. we met online in roungly 2001-2 and talked to each other for a long time until we met in person in 2004. the weekend she came to visit me I asked her to marry me and I moved out of state to be with her, and we've been together ever since. we had a very long engangement, 3 years, and then we finally got married in 2007 and had a child together. now we have 2 sons and a daughter(one son is on the autism spectrum) and we both work, plus school plus therapy for our special needs child.
and here is the emotional affair my wife was having. I don't know exactly when it started, my start date for sure would be the night me and here were kidding around about 3-3.5 months ago and she said something to me, she said "if I was interested in someone else you wouldn't even know" and the tone of voice she said it in, and just the way she said it, immediately throw up some red flags. I tried to shrug it off because I battle depression and anxiety and was in a bad state with that as it is. I chalked it up to me just over thinking things but something in my gut was still telling me things were wrong. compounding the fact that the man she was having the affair with, is a good friend my wifes best friend whom the best friend happened to be living with.
for years we have been helping financially and emotionally with my wifes best friend at this time frame I was getting really sick of it and angry about it....alot. mainly because to me it seemed that her best friends problems took priority over helping me with the kids and around the house and I began to feel alone with having to do everything by myself. along with other things like her taking her friend out to lunch while I'm eating nothing at work to try and work through my lunches just for some extra cash.
fast forward and I have to take a road trip for work to get an official document that I couldn't wait for by mail. I get back and I'm snowballing downhill with the depression and anxiety because I feel like I never get to rest with all of the above compounded.
I end up checking myself into a facility for 72 hours with her blessing to seek help for the depression and to get put back on the medication. the day I get out I go bring her flowers to work and then that night while she sleeps I went through her phone and recovered deleted text messages that confirmed my suspicions. they were not sexual in nature, but inappropriate nonetheless. I broke down bad and she woke up and asked me what the problem was. I said nothing I just had to go catch my breath and she came outside with me to sit for a little while saying she was worried about me.
The next day i'm at work I see nothing but this guys facebook page in our history list and his girlfriends page in our history list. I get home and I check her phone again, no new text messages but by that point I felt I was calm enough to ask her about it. at first she told me she deleted his texts only because she thought it would upset me seeing there. I never go through her phone under normal circumstances anyways but I told her I appreciate that thought. but she kept nagging me how to delete texts completely off her phone, and by the end of the day she had this look in her eyes like she was gong to cry. I finally drilled it out of her and she said she had been unhappy for a longtime. I asked her if it was me and she said no it was her. she told me i've been an angel of a husband to her, I told her no I had my faults and i've done alot of dumb **** too but never like this. and she admitted to having feelings for someone else, but denied it was physical. I believed her. af ter alot of heartache and discussions I told her I love her and would forgive her for it.
I told her upfront that she needed to earn my trust again, and she agreed. I told myself I was not going to check her phone or facebook or anything, but that he needed to be gone off of all of it. I told her I didn't want to check that stuff because Its only going to drive me nuts doing it and its not right to her either.
fast forward a couple weeks and we've moved to another place. things are going okay for the most part between us we're making plenty of time for each other to re-connect like going on dates, paying video games together, and having lots of sex. One day I come home from work and just get this weird vibe from her. that night while she's sleeping i break down and check her phone and find out she had texted him and told him to call her on his lunch. when I saw this I flipped out, she woke up when I was getting dressed and asked me where I was going. I remained silent, but I was visibly upset. I just asked her for my keys. she starts getting dressed in a hurry and follows me asking me where i'm going and still i ignore her, grab some soda on the fridge and start heading out. I reach in my pockets and can't find my keys so I go back and she's begging me at this point to talk to her, i'm sobbing and telling her to stop touching me and trying to hug me. I sit there and light a cigare tte, she looks at me and asks me whats wrong. through the hurt I can't really talk so I don't, and then she just asks me "are we over?" and thats when I give her the ultimatum that he's gone forever or I am. she tells me she talked to him to end it on her own terms. and was upset that I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt. I told her I was sorry but that reasonably how else did she expect me to react and she understood.
A couple weeks later I come home from work one day and she was acting sort of off. i kept asking her if she was okay and throwing big hints that if she needs to talk, talk. she told me she was thinking about leaving me, because she was ashamed and guilty about how bad she's hurt me. that she went against everything she stood for and basically cheated on me without the physical part and she doesnt want to see me hurt. I tell her that for the most part i'm over it but there are still things that bother me. we talk it out and she decides to stay and I get a long winded email in the morning when I arrive to work about how much she loves me and knows that we belong together. and in the meantime i've been trying my best to, sending her love notes buying her flowers(before this I surprised her with flowers all the time) and being as supportive as I can. I trust that its over, she's been making it a point to tell me how much she loves me everyday and that she is so thankful for me fo r putting up with all her bull****.
i'm still having problems getting completely over it. there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about it. I haven't checked her phone in weeks and I only go into her email for documents and such. I haven't seen any suspicious activity that is out of her character and she's given me no reason to not trust her again. we both agreed to deactivate our main facebook accounts for awhile and just keep a side account noone knows about to play games on.
I think most of it is just anger from the betrayal I felt. I love this women too much and I love our family.
anyways, with all my heart I want to save our marriage and continue it. from an outside opinion, are we taking the right steps and is this situation salvageable?
any advice? will the anger pass with more time? all in all its been about 2 months since i found out
and here is the emotional affair my wife was having. I don't know exactly when it started, my start date for sure would be the night me and here were kidding around about 3-3.5 months ago and she said something to me, she said "if I was interested in someone else you wouldn't even know" and the tone of voice she said it in, and just the way she said it, immediately throw up some red flags. I tried to shrug it off because I battle depression and anxiety and was in a bad state with that as it is. I chalked it up to me just over thinking things but something in my gut was still telling me things were wrong. compounding the fact that the man she was having the affair with, is a good friend my wifes best friend whom the best friend happened to be living with.
for years we have been helping financially and emotionally with my wifes best friend at this time frame I was getting really sick of it and angry about it....alot. mainly because to me it seemed that her best friends problems took priority over helping me with the kids and around the house and I began to feel alone with having to do everything by myself. along with other things like her taking her friend out to lunch while I'm eating nothing at work to try and work through my lunches just for some extra cash.
fast forward and I have to take a road trip for work to get an official document that I couldn't wait for by mail. I get back and I'm snowballing downhill with the depression and anxiety because I feel like I never get to rest with all of the above compounded.
I end up checking myself into a facility for 72 hours with her blessing to seek help for the depression and to get put back on the medication. the day I get out I go bring her flowers to work and then that night while she sleeps I went through her phone and recovered deleted text messages that confirmed my suspicions. they were not sexual in nature, but inappropriate nonetheless. I broke down bad and she woke up and asked me what the problem was. I said nothing I just had to go catch my breath and she came outside with me to sit for a little while saying she was worried about me.
The next day i'm at work I see nothing but this guys facebook page in our history list and his girlfriends page in our history list. I get home and I check her phone again, no new text messages but by that point I felt I was calm enough to ask her about it. at first she told me she deleted his texts only because she thought it would upset me seeing there. I never go through her phone under normal circumstances anyways but I told her I appreciate that thought. but she kept nagging me how to delete texts completely off her phone, and by the end of the day she had this look in her eyes like she was gong to cry. I finally drilled it out of her and she said she had been unhappy for a longtime. I asked her if it was me and she said no it was her. she told me i've been an angel of a husband to her, I told her no I had my faults and i've done alot of dumb **** too but never like this. and she admitted to having feelings for someone else, but denied it was physical. I believed her. af ter alot of heartache and discussions I told her I love her and would forgive her for it.
I told her upfront that she needed to earn my trust again, and she agreed. I told myself I was not going to check her phone or facebook or anything, but that he needed to be gone off of all of it. I told her I didn't want to check that stuff because Its only going to drive me nuts doing it and its not right to her either.
fast forward a couple weeks and we've moved to another place. things are going okay for the most part between us we're making plenty of time for each other to re-connect like going on dates, paying video games together, and having lots of sex. One day I come home from work and just get this weird vibe from her. that night while she's sleeping i break down and check her phone and find out she had texted him and told him to call her on his lunch. when I saw this I flipped out, she woke up when I was getting dressed and asked me where I was going. I remained silent, but I was visibly upset. I just asked her for my keys. she starts getting dressed in a hurry and follows me asking me where i'm going and still i ignore her, grab some soda on the fridge and start heading out. I reach in my pockets and can't find my keys so I go back and she's begging me at this point to talk to her, i'm sobbing and telling her to stop touching me and trying to hug me. I sit there and light a cigare tte, she looks at me and asks me whats wrong. through the hurt I can't really talk so I don't, and then she just asks me "are we over?" and thats when I give her the ultimatum that he's gone forever or I am. she tells me she talked to him to end it on her own terms. and was upset that I didn't give her the benefit of the doubt. I told her I was sorry but that reasonably how else did she expect me to react and she understood.
A couple weeks later I come home from work one day and she was acting sort of off. i kept asking her if she was okay and throwing big hints that if she needs to talk, talk. she told me she was thinking about leaving me, because she was ashamed and guilty about how bad she's hurt me. that she went against everything she stood for and basically cheated on me without the physical part and she doesnt want to see me hurt. I tell her that for the most part i'm over it but there are still things that bother me. we talk it out and she decides to stay and I get a long winded email in the morning when I arrive to work about how much she loves me and knows that we belong together. and in the meantime i've been trying my best to, sending her love notes buying her flowers(before this I surprised her with flowers all the time) and being as supportive as I can. I trust that its over, she's been making it a point to tell me how much she loves me everyday and that she is so thankful for me fo r putting up with all her bull****.
i'm still having problems getting completely over it. there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about it. I haven't checked her phone in weeks and I only go into her email for documents and such. I haven't seen any suspicious activity that is out of her character and she's given me no reason to not trust her again. we both agreed to deactivate our main facebook accounts for awhile and just keep a side account noone knows about to play games on.
I think most of it is just anger from the betrayal I felt. I love this women too much and I love our family.
anyways, with all my heart I want to save our marriage and continue it. from an outside opinion, are we taking the right steps and is this situation salvageable?
any advice? will the anger pass with more time? all in all its been about 2 months since i found out
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