Been a while since I've been here. Not much has changed either. I'll reiterate my story. H and I have been together 20years and married for 14years. Have two teenagers and a pretty comfy life. The last 10 years have been essentially sexless for a number of reasons that I'll get into in a bit.
After the birth of our first child, I had to have major back surgery that resulted in years of severe chronic pain and massive doses of morphine. I decided a little over a year ago to stop taking the morphine as I found some other medication that works better. Fast forward to last year when I first brought up our lack of intimacy/sex. It was like I woke up from a fog and realized 10 years of my life had gone by. I asked him why he would give up his sex life. He said he wasn't an ******* and wouldn't have made those demands on me given the circumstances. But he said other things as well like we both gained weight and wasn't sexy, he didn't feel very attractive, I was on a lot of medication. Then I think the truth finally came out that he was afraid I would get pregnant again. So for that intervening 10 years that I would try to have sex and being told no more than not was his best answer to sex instead of either one us getting fixed. I had my tubes tied a year ago, thinking this is supposed to make things better because now there is no worry of pregnancy.
His job takes him away for two weeks at a time. This is important. I'm ok with that as it provides a lifestyle we couldn't otherwise have. As I have come off the morphine and started being more clearheaded, I've started to participate in life again. I play guitar and sing...I've started attending a weekly jam session, I've become a board member of a local music festival. These things have taken me out of the house maybe 5-10 hours a month. I was trying to be considerate and schedule these functions for when he was working so that it wouldn't take time away from us when he was home. He called me one day after I had had an exceptionally busy week with my interests. I had gone for lunch with two other board members after the night before having gone out to a fundraising event. He very calmly yet accusatorily asked me what I was doing. This caught me completely off guard because I had told him exactly where I was going with who and when and why.
All of a sudden he asks me when the last time was that we slept together. I couldn't honestly remember. I knew what he was asking about but I played stupid and said that I didn't want to disturb him when he slept because of my pain. So he tells me that he's put two and two together and if I ain't getting it from him...I must be getting it from somewhere else. Un-****ing-believeable! We haven't had sex in 6 weeks because I'm tired of being turned down...so as soon as I start having a bit of a life I'm screwing around? I thought this is a turning point. And i felt pretty good until he got home a few days later.
He went to bed at his usual 9 pm. I followed about 10 min later. I thought I would try just once more to see what would happen. I took all my clothes off and climbed into bed and threw my arm and leg around him...I was ready to go...And he said....I knew this was going to happen! I felt so crushed! I didn't bother to say anything! I just went back out to the living room and cried. Two days later,he was up for it. I think it's probably the first time in a long time that we kissed during sex. As usual, he always makes sure I get off and again he couldn't get over whatever is going on in his head to not allow him to get off. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and all he said was no he was out of shape. I would have done anything he wanted like an idiot.
So for the last two nights, I've gone to bed shortly after him and I lay there until he goes to sleep. Then I get up and watch tv. He had the nerve to comment that I didn't stay very long.
Over the last two years, I managed to lose and keep off 25lbs. That is huge for me as I have to work twice as hard to effect half the change. I'm almost off a massive dose of morphine, and I swim 3-5 days a week. I have asked my h to come with me both swimming and to my social functions. He doesn't like public pools, he doesn't like the music I like...I just seem to be doing all these things and have in common with other people and he's not involved....I feel baited and switched to some degree... he complains about being overweight but won't do anything about it.
I turn 50 in a couple of months but I feel like 100. I am so confused about what to do or how to do it. Conversations usually end up in arguments. I feel old and unattractive. I don't know if I want to do this anymore. You would think that after being apart for two weeks that we'd be doing it on the stairs before he could get through the door. Nothing. No grabbing my ass, no suggestive emails, no invitations to bed. If I get to bed and he happens to want to relieve me then ok. I don't remember the last time he went down on me. It has been more than 5 years ...hell...it could be 10 for all I know! He told me no the last time I wanted to give him a blow job.
I feel my heart aching. He stuck with me when most men would have left, and he says it's because he loves me. He puts no effort into sex...the man has never bought me lingerie, asked me to do anything sexually...when we do have sex it's me changing it up so we're not in one position. I don't remember the last time he had an orgasm with or from me. He's not gay and he's not fooling around. We do everything together when he's home and he works in an isolated setting. I'm tired of aching for intimacy. I don't even have to get laid...but it would be nice to be touched once in a while.
I really feel like I have to make some important decisions, that I just don't want to make. Sorry if the story is scattered.
After the birth of our first child, I had to have major back surgery that resulted in years of severe chronic pain and massive doses of morphine. I decided a little over a year ago to stop taking the morphine as I found some other medication that works better. Fast forward to last year when I first brought up our lack of intimacy/sex. It was like I woke up from a fog and realized 10 years of my life had gone by. I asked him why he would give up his sex life. He said he wasn't an ******* and wouldn't have made those demands on me given the circumstances. But he said other things as well like we both gained weight and wasn't sexy, he didn't feel very attractive, I was on a lot of medication. Then I think the truth finally came out that he was afraid I would get pregnant again. So for that intervening 10 years that I would try to have sex and being told no more than not was his best answer to sex instead of either one us getting fixed. I had my tubes tied a year ago, thinking this is supposed to make things better because now there is no worry of pregnancy.
His job takes him away for two weeks at a time. This is important. I'm ok with that as it provides a lifestyle we couldn't otherwise have. As I have come off the morphine and started being more clearheaded, I've started to participate in life again. I play guitar and sing...I've started attending a weekly jam session, I've become a board member of a local music festival. These things have taken me out of the house maybe 5-10 hours a month. I was trying to be considerate and schedule these functions for when he was working so that it wouldn't take time away from us when he was home. He called me one day after I had had an exceptionally busy week with my interests. I had gone for lunch with two other board members after the night before having gone out to a fundraising event. He very calmly yet accusatorily asked me what I was doing. This caught me completely off guard because I had told him exactly where I was going with who and when and why.
All of a sudden he asks me when the last time was that we slept together. I couldn't honestly remember. I knew what he was asking about but I played stupid and said that I didn't want to disturb him when he slept because of my pain. So he tells me that he's put two and two together and if I ain't getting it from him...I must be getting it from somewhere else. Un-****ing-believeable! We haven't had sex in 6 weeks because I'm tired of being turned down...so as soon as I start having a bit of a life I'm screwing around? I thought this is a turning point. And i felt pretty good until he got home a few days later.
He went to bed at his usual 9 pm. I followed about 10 min later. I thought I would try just once more to see what would happen. I took all my clothes off and climbed into bed and threw my arm and leg around him...I was ready to go...And he said....I knew this was going to happen! I felt so crushed! I didn't bother to say anything! I just went back out to the living room and cried. Two days later,he was up for it. I think it's probably the first time in a long time that we kissed during sex. As usual, he always makes sure I get off and again he couldn't get over whatever is going on in his head to not allow him to get off. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him and all he said was no he was out of shape. I would have done anything he wanted like an idiot.
So for the last two nights, I've gone to bed shortly after him and I lay there until he goes to sleep. Then I get up and watch tv. He had the nerve to comment that I didn't stay very long.
Over the last two years, I managed to lose and keep off 25lbs. That is huge for me as I have to work twice as hard to effect half the change. I'm almost off a massive dose of morphine, and I swim 3-5 days a week. I have asked my h to come with me both swimming and to my social functions. He doesn't like public pools, he doesn't like the music I like...I just seem to be doing all these things and have in common with other people and he's not involved....I feel baited and switched to some degree... he complains about being overweight but won't do anything about it.
I turn 50 in a couple of months but I feel like 100. I am so confused about what to do or how to do it. Conversations usually end up in arguments. I feel old and unattractive. I don't know if I want to do this anymore. You would think that after being apart for two weeks that we'd be doing it on the stairs before he could get through the door. Nothing. No grabbing my ass, no suggestive emails, no invitations to bed. If I get to bed and he happens to want to relieve me then ok. I don't remember the last time he went down on me. It has been more than 5 years ...hell...it could be 10 for all I know! He told me no the last time I wanted to give him a blow job.
I feel my heart aching. He stuck with me when most men would have left, and he says it's because he loves me. He puts no effort into sex...the man has never bought me lingerie, asked me to do anything sexually...when we do have sex it's me changing it up so we're not in one position. I don't remember the last time he had an orgasm with or from me. He's not gay and he's not fooling around. We do everything together when he's home and he works in an isolated setting. I'm tired of aching for intimacy. I don't even have to get laid...but it would be nice to be touched once in a while.
I really feel like I have to make some important decisions, that I just don't want to make. Sorry if the story is scattered.
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