We have adjusted well

My husband and I are the same age. He is my sweetheart soul mate. We had a major change which has made us stronger. I am a strong woman and I can take charge when I need to. This is one thing about me that my husband has been annoyed with in the past but now we see that it has helped us SO much. He broke his neck at C4 pulling a ridiculous stunt water skiing. He had to wear a big huge neck brace and was ordered to be VERY careful. He could not drive which he HATED though it was only temporary due to him not being able to move his head with the collar on. I did my best to get him to be inactive as his injury was VERY fragile and the Dr warned him that he could be paralyzed for life easily. Being a typical man he had this macho attitude and he hated me hovering over him and telling him to take it easy. While I was busy one Saturday morning with mom at the house helping me get ready sort some cloths, we had no idea my husband was getting the ladder out. He was trying to fix something on a gutter of our house. He lost his balance and fell. He broke his neck again and this time his C4 was COMPLETELY severed at the spine. His C3 vertebrae cracked and his C4 vertebrae crushed and his spine at C4 completely severed it was an extremely bad C4 spinal break. His C4 spine was completely severed and separated with a gap. He spent weeks in a halo along with a big cervical collar and he was on a ventilator. After he stabilized they did the necessary surgery, they fused it and putt a permanent rod in. They told me from the first X rays that my husband was paralyzed completely and permanently from the neck down for the rest of his life. His C4 spine was completely severed and separated this was a very bad break. This means there is absolutely no possibility of him ever regaining any movement below his head whatsoever period. I was in tears when they had to tell my husband that he would never be able to move anything at all except his head for the rest of his life. They simply said that he would be going home in a wheelchair period. After the surgery they removed the halo and were able to successfully wean my husband from the ventilator completely. After this they finally removed the large cervical collar and replaced it with a soft cervical collar which he would have to wear for a very long time due to his injury being so severe and the surgery to put in the rod and fuse his spine. At this point he was transferred to rehab where he was put into a wheelchair with sip puff control. This is a tube positioned near his mouth like a straw he puffs and sucks on it to maneuver his wheelchair. I felt so bad I wished I could have taken his place. He had to get used to always drinking from a straw and being fed by someone for the rest of his life. After five months he was released to come home. A couple months into his hospital stay I was getting more time to make changes. I knew early on that we could not easily keep our country place. It was 5 acres with a big garage for his car restorations. In the first place my husband could never enjoy the place again he would have just been able to look out at the place and be reminded of how things were before his accident. Plus I would have had to worry about upkeep. My sister is a real estate agent so while he was in rehab my mom, sister and my best friend from work and her husband helped me sell all of my husbands tools cars ect. My husband did not want to have to deal with this it would have been to painful for him. He knew that dealing with his extreme pain and embarrassment he did NOT want to have to face people buying all of his things. I had awesome help from my mom sister and friends selling the place and everything. Mom helped me out, we found a nice modern brick single story home for sale in town close to mom so I bought it and had the ramps built and doors widened and mom did with her house also this was all done before I got him home. I never took my husband out to the place once he was home he never asked and for his sake it was for the best. We got it sold within a few months. My hubby come home to a new home and a whole new beginning. It was tough for me seeing him like this for many reasons. Seeing him wearing that white soft collar puffing and sucking on that tube and thinking to myself how much he hated wearing the collar for his intitial injury now seeing him fully paralyzed from the neck down for life and still having to wear a collar was tough for me not to mention his agony. What hurt me the most was what his mistake did to him. Now he would never be able to do the things he loved ever again and I knew that he would have to be stuck indoors stuck in front of a computer which he NEVER wanted to do. He was in for major adjustments. It was a hot afternoon when we got to the house in the van I had recently bought with wheelchair ramp. It was just he and I, a nice quiet return home for him. After I got him out of the van we headed for the new permanent wheelchair ramp going to our front door. It was hard for me to see him still wearing the soft neck brace puffing into that tube moving his wheelchair up the ramp which was on top of the same steps that he carried me up numerous times. I remember thinking how if he had no gotten on that STUPID ladder how he would now be able to drive and use tools and do all the things he loved he would have been out of the cervical collar and fully healed. Instead I had to see him still wearing a brace on his neck "soft collar" going up the ramp in his wheelchair puffing into a tube paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life broke my heart. I could already feel his emotional pain. He was still really struggling to operate that sip puff control it took him a long time to master it. Because of this we still had his wheelchair speed set very slow. He tried to put on a brave face but he was crying inside. He had to continue wearing the soft cervical collar for a very long time, one of those small white foam ones like they also use for whiplash. This was just too much for him to comprehend, the fact that he would never be able to move anything below his head ever again. It was great to have my sweetheart home but things were going to be so much different. Funny how things turn out, I had to get used to driving that great big huge van and he had to get used to maneuvering a wheelchair with sucking and breathing into a tube. He was going to be suffering extreme boredom and emotional pain as well as cabin fever that would be for a lifetime. He had to get used to staying inside the house. He had to accept the fact that his physical independence was gone forever. He had to cope with being paralyzed from the neck down as well as dealing with the fact that he would have to be stuck inside the house with me or wherever I go for the rest of his life. He was an outdoor physical guy he loved working with tools, working on cars yard work etc. Now of course he can never do any of these things ever again. He had to focus on learning to use a voice activated computer. I set up a room for him with a television and computer so he could have separate space to give him some space. He had to get used to being indoors most of the time and focus on using a voice activated computer so he could begin working on a college degree. I do have to take care of myself also as I work all week. We hired a caregiver who stays with him while I am at work she helps me with most of his care. The first week home was easy enough he was still very tired and was not yet relaxed enough to fully comprehend everything. I took off work the first week he was home. This was the first time we had spent so much time inside the house together he had to face the reality that he was stuck in a wheelchair completely paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of his life. He had many things to accept and his permanent and complete loss of physical independence was a tough one. Being completely paralyzed from the neck down changed my husband a great deal. He is very uncomfortable around other men. I think it has something to do with a mans instinct of wanting to be physically strong. He also does not want to face repairmen who come to the house and also the men who service my van. I know he feels awkward in his position so I never insist on his presence. I have had to grow stronger and take charge of things like this but really I know it would be so very tough for him to deal with. My husband never had many guy friends and at this point I could see it was a positive thing for his sake. I think this is mostly with men he knew before his accident. Though he is very uncomfortable around other men, he really enjoys talking with my mom and my friends and as long as he feels contented that is all that matters. He has learned to enjoy talking and laughing with my mom, and my friends when they come to the house and when we see them. His sense of humor has come back. I remember the first time I saw him really show humor since his accident. My best friend was at the house, he was loosening up, we were talking about our house being changed some for his wheelchair. Out of the blue he said, well one thing about this is that we won't have the toilet seat argument anymore!! She and I both cracked up. I could see that he was going to cheer up, He has developed a great relationship with my mom. Mom forced him to go with her for my birthday shopping. Mom knew that he for sure did not want to get out until the soft neck brace was off. Because it made it obvious that it had just happened. Mom simply told him gently and firmly that yes that collar showed that his accident was recent and to let them stare. She even went without makeup and told him that she did not want to be seen either, to make it fair. He was extremely embarrassed to be out around other people. She simply said, sweetheart you MUST face the world and today is a good time to start. He knew he could not get out of going. She said he was so nervous that before going to the first store, he even asked her to please remove his soft cervical collar, there was no way she could do that and she simply told him, no dear I can't. At the beginning of the shopping trip he was so mad at mom he could hardly operate his wheelchair, he was all but biting the tube. Mom told him firmly that he had to assert himself. I can see that he needed some firm tough mother type love and mom is an awesome woman!! His mother always let him have his own way whereas my mom is very strict so it was upsetting for him at first Mom is good at taking control and this was very good for him. He learned to trust mom and this helped him get back into the world and see that he could be seen by others and it was fine. She is just like a mom to him and that is so great. He has learned to take interest in things that he and I can both enjoy. Not only has he not only had to adjust to not being able to do the things he did before he had to accept the fact that he would now have to go with me whenever I want to go set up my tent at craft shows and everything else. My life goes on also and he is my hubby. My mom and friends are great and helpful to us both, they help break up the boredom and are someone else to talk with for the both of us. I insisted that he begin learning to use a voice activated computer so that he could begin taking college classes. I told him he needs a goal in education. It will have to be something he can do being a complete quadriplegic. He always hated computers and office work. He loved his career in building and doing physical outdoor work. He had to overcome his macho pride and accept the fact that he would now have to use a computer all the time. I flat told him that he HAD to learn this because being so young he needed to be doing something. I also told him that I also have to be stuck in front of a computer all day at work when I would rather be doing something else and that's just life. He was not happy with me but he had no choice. This helped motivate him. Mom is great with computers so between the two of us we got him set up with a voice activated computer. I bought the needed software and head set etc. One Saturday we spent several hours on it. He was not happy about it at first about me putting him in front of a computer but I insisted. He was still wearing the soft collar. So here we sat, my husband wearing a head set stuck in front of a monitor, mom setting on the right learning how it worked and giving him instructions and me offering my occasional help while painting my toenails setting on the other side of him. This was something I never would have imagined the three of us would be doing together. I thought to myself then, how I wished I could trade places with him so that he could be outside doing what he loved but he had to accept his new life. After he got used to it he actually like it and discovered that it offered him a way to do something. He will never be able to go outdoors without supervision ever again. With him having no movement below his head he is at great risk of a very serious accident should he lose control or if something else would be to go wrong. He simply has no business at all going outdoors alone. He can only go outdoors when me or someone will be with him. Going outdoors alone is strictly off limits permanently period. And of course hill will never be able to be home alone ever again. I know this might seem overprotective but with him being a complete quadriplegic with absolutely no movement below his head he is at serious risk and can never go outdoors alone or home by himself alone ever again. This is a fact we must face. This means if I am not feeling well and I am lounging or in bed, or if I am just going through a moody emotional time and I usually want to stay inside, he will have to stay inside the house even if it is a beautiful day. He says that he actually is fine with being indoors he does not have the desire to be outdoors at all due to his complete paraylisis, but it is the fact that he cannot be allowed to go out alone or be alone that he has had a difficult time accepting. We both had to adjust to this because now I do have to take on a new role of authority due to our situation. This is where I have to be more like a protective mother instead of a wife. I have to be the protective mother like figure that will not let him go outdoors alone as well as setting other necessary boundaries. He knows that if he asked to go outside alone or be left home alone I would simply tell him "No" because I would have no choice. He does not want to have me as his wife tell him "No" and I do not want to have to tell him "No" so he never asks. We have learned to deal and cope with this reality. It is different but that is how it has to be, things can never, ever be like they were before. This seems overprotective, but it is not. This is how it has to be considering his level of paralysis. Now a couple years later we are both well adjusted. I know I sometimes for him I do not seem like a wife, rather I seem like that fussy overprotective mother that he has to be stuck inside with and will not let him out of her sight. And as I have said I am not actually overprotective this is simply how it has to be. Except for when the nurse or mom can get him out he is stuck with me wherever I am. Our life is not perfect we have bad days also and at times we both see the need to get away from each other. Having our own spaces in the house help. I cannot help being a grouch at times. He has had a difficult time adjusting to being fully dependent on me and others and not being in physical control of anything not even eating, teeth brushing etc. It is a scary feeling I know. There are times when we are bickering we cannot help but give each other the silent treatment when I feed him ect. Sometimes he does not care for what we have to eat but he has adjusted to not being able to feed himself. I cannot always please him. It is not perfect at all and never will be. There are many miserable times for him. We have simply had to adjust to SO, SO much. He cannot talk real loud due not being able to breath very deep. He can never yell or raise his voice l ever again. He is limited to a lower tone level and must take breaths during longer sentences for the rest of his life. So if we argue I have had to teach myself not to yell because he cannot yell back. I get bad, bad PMS and the first time I was home sick with bad sinuses I also had bad PMS. This was a week or so after I got him home and he already experienced his first time being stuck inside the house with me during my time. I was grouchy and irritable and difficult to reason with I just wanted to lay on the bed. This was before we got the television controls for my husband to use so the tv was stuck on one channel so all he could do was watch it or come back to our bedroom and try to talk to me but I was poor company. Bless his heart that first time was TOUGH I thought he was going to run the batteries down going back and forth that day from out bedroom to the den. It was TOUGH but believe it or not we have learned to deal with it. This does NOT mean it is all peachy wonderful. If any woman has ever had a husband home cooped up with her from a temporary ailment it is sort of like that except this is NOT temporary, he has to be stuck in this position for the REST of his life. I cannot always be happy and cheery sometimes I will be home for a week and be in a horrible grouchy mood and grouch around the house be a real emotional irrational woman. I won't be much for conversation and just want to lounge around I often just let my hair go crazy and do as little as possible ect. I know there are a lot of times he see's me as a horrible bossy woman. It can be real HELL for him having to be cooped up inside the house with me but that is just how it has to be. Things can never be the same. We have a lot of fun together as well but it can NEVER be the same. I just feel like his macho attitude was the cause of this and I sometimes wish he did not posses that trait I guess things just happen I mainly feel sadness for what he lost for his sake but now he has to deal with it. We have had to adjust to SO much. He has a hard time dealing with the mistake he made using the ladder and there have been times I have felt like saying I told you so. Nonetheless I am proud of him for learning to be happy again being supportive to me as well.

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