Lost in my marriage

Hi all, I'm new here, but just wanted to see if there were a place I could maybe get some advice... or at least vent a little I guess. I'm going to forewarn you this is long and if you don't like reading I suggest you skipping my post :D My wife and I have been married since '08, but have been in a "live in" relationship for over ten years now. She is in her late 20's I'm in my early 30's. I don't think we have ever had a time we didn't fight. Early on I was a jerk to her. I'll admit that to anyone, especially her. I partied, drank, smoked and talked to other girls including some very close calls with full blown cheating. However I was never dishonest with her. I always told her what I had done if I had screwed up. This was in our dating stage. And even though we fought I can go back in all our love letters we wrote and see we truly loved each other overall. And it really did feel like I would do anything in the world for her if she asked, but she never did ask much of me... she always said do what you want to, I am fine with it. We came from completely different backgrounds. I came from a very spiritual, church going home and she came from a very "trashy" (I mean that in a literal sense, think hoarders) house, with a lot of cussing, verbal abuse, physical abuse, no father, and sexual abuse. Two completely opposite worlds. Her mother did nothing for her and let stuff happen to her that was unthinkable, which is the reason I moved in. More of a protection type move for my then girlfriend. Moving things forward, we decided we wanted to get married. We had a lot of bad days, but we had a lot of good days too. And it seemed like even though we fought, the good days were worth it. Before we got married I asked two things of her and I would not have gotten married if she had not agreed to both of these. I would not marry her if she smoked anymore (we had both quit, but she struggled a bit being that she had heavily smoked since an early teen in her own house... once again her mom didn't care). I was sickened and disgusted by cigarettes and I didn't want to marry someone that was just IN MY OPINION wasting money and health for that crap. Secondly I didn't want to marry her if she thought she would ever end up like her mom. Her mom is rude, selfish, very overweight and unhealthy, lazy and I could go on.... I'm not being mean. But her mom was NEVER there for her, she always picked her candy and computer over anyone, she never cleaned the house and it was disgu sting piles of trash a foot high with only a tiny walkway around the house, and she cried all the time to make you feel sorry for her. She always made her kids do EVERYTHING around the house from cooking to even helping her bath. She can't even make her own phone calls. She has someone do that for her. And she even quit a simple job so she could claim disability (very questionable) and collect that check. Well... my wife promised she would never do either one of those things. SO we got married and I did everything I could do to get out of the old stage I had been in. No more partying, drinking, smoking, talking to girls. Trying to treat my wife better and I really, really improved a lot. Lost some friends, but improved a lot as a husband. Well, at some point my wife started going over to her grandmothers in the afternoon and her mom would come over too. Somehow they ended up getting closer and closer and closer. Which is fine, I couldn't imagine not having a father and then having a mother that seemingly didn't exist. I tried to put myself in her shoes and figured I'd want at least a parental figure in my life, but I was still a bit worried because her mom has not changed. Then it started. She started smoking, I knew it because the perfume got heavier and we never took her car anywhere anymore due to the giveaway smoke smell. I confronted her about it and she said it was someone leaning next to her open window or this or that.... there w ere always excuses. Fast forward 5 years. She still lies about smoking. Turns out she smoked when pregnant with our two year old and our newest 4 month old AND while she nursed both of them. I have no want to kiss her or be around her with that stench stuck to her and I don't ever want it to do any harm to my two biggest joys in my life. So theres promise #1 broken. As far as promise #2. I should have taken the advice "if you wonder what she's going to turn out like look at her mother". My wife has turned into someone that will not even hold a discussion with you. She has got the smartest mouth on her and I try to avoid talking to her most of the time now due to it. I am never right and I mean it when I say never. If anyone is going to apologize it will be me. I do not exaggerate when I say that probably only 2 times in 5 years have the words "I'm sorry" come out of her mouth. She has turned very selfish. And every day she goes to her grandmothers house with the two kids to be around people that I honestly don't think are good influences on our kids (I won't get started on her sister and her two kids that still live with the grandmother who even my own wife says 2 of those three are mental and have very hot unusual attitudes). Anyways the mom comes over there as well and this happens EVERY DAY. My day off, my wife goes there, her day off, she goes over there. As soon as she is off work, she goes there. I'm simply left at home, usually by myself. S ometimes with the kids. The only time we might spend together is Saturday night we go out to a restaurant, but then she packs up the kids and I'm home alone. The excuses are ridiculous 1. Grandma needs the clothes brought in off the line (there are 3 fully capable people already there) 2. My breast milk bag is over there (it's been there since you started using it, bring it home already) 3. I need to pick up tomatoes and okra for supper (hmm... they never made it home AND you didn't even cook supper) 4. I left my _________ (fill in the blank) over there and have to go get it....whatever. I'm so tired of the excuses. "I'll be home in ten minutes" means an hour. "I'll be right back" means it will be dark before you even see me. Most likely around midnight. Then its bedtime. She has successfully turned into her mother minus the disability. I can't tell you how many times she has called me crying because her mom said she would go somewhere with her at say noon, but now she's all pissed off because her mom just called her at 1pm saying she just got out of bed. But when I mention the similarities of that with what my wife is doing to me she gets unbelievably mad and won't even discuss it. I'm really at my wits end. She has gotten completely lazy as well. If the dishes get washed 80% of the time I've done it. Same with clothes. She doesn't clean house. When she changes a diaper she just tosses it towards the closest room with a garbage can and there it sits til I take care of it. Pretty much most all house work is left up to me and now most all meals are getting dumped in my lap too. Her laziness is setting in hard. I take care of all the finances which being on dave ramseys plan has made finances not a real burden anymore, but we keep a budget still. Wait. No... I keep a budget. She doesn't give me her receipts or write down her things like she swears up and down she will do. I feel like my two year old is more responsible than her. I really am wanting a divorce, but knowing how one usually ends up it seems the kids usually end up with their mother. I think that would be devastating for them. I'm lucky enough to have an evening job and keep them all day and I couldn't bear to even think about not having those two in my life like I do now. I'm so lost and I just do not know where to turn. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it. Know that this is not our whole relationship in a post. Its a very minute example of it and the whole picture of this relationship is just a mess with me trying to make the needle move one way or the other and her just acting like she doesn't even have a home or family that I am a part of. If you made it this far, thanks for hearing me out...

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