I'm stuck

I have been married for 12 years, together for 17. We do not have any children. I am completely in love with him and I have never wavered in that. I have always felt loved and adored by him. We get along well, laugh a lot and enjoy spending time together. We solve family and house issues well. We do argue, like most couples, but it's never been a big screaming match. There has never been any physical violence. We don't even have in-law issues. We love each other's families and spend time with them when we can. I had my future vision in my head and seemed on track for that. A few years ago, I lost my job. I have spent the past 4 years going back to school and working hard to find a job. I get temporary things here and there, but nothing long-term. That was a huge blow to my ego. Two years ago, my sister had her first child. She is younger than me and that was hard to deal with. She now has another little one. I love them more than life, but I deal with jealousy because of it. For awhile now, the only thing that seemed solid was my marriage. My husband has been my rock and very supportive during these tough times. Imagine my surprise when I found out he's been cheating on me our entire time together. I have never had trust issues with him, so I was shocked to find this out. I accidentally stumbled upon the information on Facebook. It took weeks for the whole story to come out and I still don't think I know everything. Basically, he has had flings on and off over the years. According to him, nothing long-term or serious. However, once I discovered this info, I became a detective. I started snooping in everything. We promised to try to work on things because he says he still loves me and wants to be with me forever. I still had a strange feeling, so I kept monitoring. Sure enough, he started a new affair about a month after we re-committed to each other. I have been to hell and back. I am a complete wreck. I am now in weekly therapy - he won't go. I have a great support system of family and friends who I talk to and spend a lot of time with. I eventually worked up to kicking him out. The problem is that his brother lives with us and he stayed. Having him here was so hard on me because it reminded me that my husband wasn't here. Also, I was not able to maintain the house by myself. So, after a month, my husband came back and we agreed to try an open marriage. He has continued his relationship with this woman. He works with her and then spends a half hour with her after work each day before coming home. He used to text and call her all the time, but he has stopped that. They meet once or twice a month to have sex. The rest of the time he is with me acting like a normal, loving husband. We continued to have sex up until about 2 weeks ago. I just can't anymore. And it doesn't seem to bother him one bit. While he is continuing his relationship, I have started several of my own. I have been going on dates and have slept with a few men. I think my husband knows, but he won't say anything. He prefers the don't ask don't tell approach to this. I would rather be open and honest, even though it hurts. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking the past 7 months. I am mostly happy in my life as long as I pretend he's not banging some other woman. I am not snooping like I used to, but I am still aware of what is going on. I'm actually enjoying dating other men and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. However, I am slowly starting to see that this is not the life for me. I love him and want only him. I want that to be reciprocated. I've driven myself crazy trying to figure out what I did wrong and I've come to realize it's not me, it's him. He's dysfunctional. I get so upset every time I know he is with her, but I just can't leave. I've already decided that he and his brother will keep the house. I don't want it and can't maintain it by myself. I need to move out. One issue is the fact that I can't financially support myself and I will not let anyone else support me. My family doesn't have money to take care of me. I started a new job this past week that will last f or 6 weeks. It has the potential to turn into something more, but I won't know for at least a year. That means that I have to stay with him for a year so I can get myself ready. I just don't know if I can emotionally do that. These past 7 months have been really hard. I've lost 100 pounds, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think. I'm living life, but like I'm in a fog. I'm not really connecting with anyone. I feel like if I do eventually leave him, I will have empty relationships from here on out. I'm 36, so there is time to rebuild a new life. I just don't want to. What's the point? One thing I've learned in all this research is that cheating is VERY common. So, I meet a new guy, give him my heart and go through this all over again. I've seen it happen to friends and family. At least my husband and I have a good relationship aside from his cheating. My friends always envied us because we seemed perfect. I guess I don't know what questions to ask. There are so many. Should I stay? Should I go? Can I learn to accept this open marriage idea and let go of the jealousy? Is infidelity really a reason to end an otherwise stable, happy marriage? (Many people say it is not.) In the end I know he doesn't want to make a life with her. He had that opportunity when he left for a month. He didn't stay with her at all and continued his normal routine with her. I thought for sure he would run to her, but he didn't. I just don't know if it's better to be married and mostly happy (plus knowing there is stability) or to be single and uncertain about how that will feel. I know in the beginning it will be hard, but everyone says it gets better. I guess I'm just scared of being the little old cat lady who dies alone and no one notices. Yes, I still have my family and friends, but they have their own lives. I don't ever want to depend on another man again and would never get married again, so I wo uld really be alone at the end of the day. I just have so many thoughts and feelings and they're all jumbled in my head and my heart. I would appreciate any constructive advice. Has anyone ever been through anything like this? Most of the reading talks about recovering after the affair has ended. There isn't much on what has been done in a situation like mine. He refuses to end things with her. He believes life is short and you have to what makes you happy now. Yes, he's having his cake and eating it too, I know. I pray every day that a clear path will present itself to me. I do know that no matter what happens I am an amazing, strong, confident, beautiful woman and I will be fine. It's just I don't know where I am going or how long it will take to get there.

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