Future In Law Issues

Hi there, New member, needing advice on future-in-laws. (Warning LONG) My SO (let's call him C) and I have been together 2years, today (it's our 2nd anniversary:smthumbup:), and I have been thinking about the issues with my future-in-laws, because we have been seriously discussing marriage. He is 30 and I'm 25, so up until now marriage has made me very nervous, add issues with future-in-laws, and past resentment about C ( not standing up for me up until recently. Let me first say, I'm very happy C has begun standing up for me and putting up boundaries with his family, because not to long ago I was considering leaving C because his family (particularly his mother) was so overbearing, and well...manipulative. So C and I began dating and things progressed quickly, and I fell pregnant only a month into our relationship, and I was a wreck being that I was working full time, working night life, and finishing up school. We we're being careless... We decided that both of us needed to really get to know one another before making a life changing decision such as bringing a child into the world, we both decided abortion would be the best choice for both of us. C and I are sort of into leading the child-free by choice lifestyle, but it still left me hurt and vulnerable. I decided to confide in C's mother, because I felt we we're very close (I lived with C and his mother for about a month until his bid on our current home went through). I told her why I had been so quite lately, she was curious. I told her how much I loved C (already), and we shared a bonding moment through the hurt I was expressing. Everytime C's mother would invite us to family events often (4 events minimum a month, plus we we're at her home 3 days a week minimum just to hang out with her), she would ask when we we're going to have kids, and when we we're going to get married (keep in mind we are living in our own home during this time, and this is over the course of 6months)(We only live about 2 mins from her as well). Every single time she asked about kids, I felt so...hurt and ambushed because I had obviously confided in C's mother about the abortion. I was still very vulnerable about the topic, and wasn't sure why she had to keep asking about kids. I never expressed my hurt or was rude/disrespectful during this time. I just tried to change subjects. She already had 2 grand kids so I wasn't sure why she kept asking, being our that our relationship was still blooming. I felt like there was so much pressure on me from her about marriage and children, she would ask every single time we saw her. So since she hosted so many events, and wanted C and I over almost all the time I finally told C I needed space from his family because it was stressing me out, and almost making me second guess our decision. C allowed his mother to guilt trip him about these events, so in turn he would guilt trip me...which made things much harder. I just wanted to be able to keep myself emotionally afloat which is why I was asking for space from his family, I never told him he couldn't go. He just didn't understand what his mother was doing wrong, and I was tired of trying to explain to him that her asking me about marriage and babies, was well...making me crazy. Not only did she want us over for events,but she would call C to have him come over to her home (2mins away)(She is by no means febble) to do ridiculous tasks that C's mother's b/f could have done for her. Example "C can you come over and pick up this dead gopher for me", it was stupid little tasks all the time like that, she was capable of doing but for some reason need C to do, even though C's sister and her husband would constantly be asking C's mother for things (money, items, babysitting while visiting), could not assist her, they also live in the same town, only 15mins from her, but they tend to be selfish and self-serving because they know C will buckle and do it, and they use grand kids as a means of manipulation. She would call both of our phones,if C didn't answer his...not once, not twice but 5-6 times on each phone. It was constant the calls, and the tasks. I became fed up, because what I saw C's mother doing was just finding reasons to get his attention. Remember we are still attending a ton of events because I buckled under the pressure he was putting on me from his mother. I finally said no more, you can go, but you will not cause my emotionally well being to suffer so I'm staying home. C's mother likes to act like she is the victim in situations by using tears, and guilt to get her way, she also likes to be passive agressive. She even decided at a family event to put me on the spot because I always call C my little ginger, his family is red heads, and I never said it out of anything but love to C, C and I have a funny way of joking. C's sister is a red head and so is her daughter so she looked livid with me and made a remark how she and her daughter are red heads, almost like she was saying if I had a problem with that...ugh. Another time C's mother and two of her friends (one visiting from out of town who seemed to be very judgy toward me because I'm sure things C's mother had said about me). came to our home unannounced and drunk making passive aggressive comments about my decorating of my bathrooom.... all the while I'm ignoring their behavior, and the fact that they are drinking and driving. On another occasion C's mother was out at our a new years part y, and called us at almost 10pm to let her dog out (which used to be C's dog) he said no because it was short notice, and we had a couple of drinks and did not want to risk driving, and yes we could have walked but walking distance is15mins, driving distance is 2mins). I of course later on find out C's mother's friend texted C about how she is disappointed in his behaviour and how that dog was C's responsibility even though C's mother took ownership of dog. She also commented on how this is so out of C's behavior, and basically made it seem like I was making C say no...err!!! Another time C's mother and himself went to lunch to try to talk about behavior, how he loved me and wanted to marry me one day to which his mother made the whole situation about herself again. She had the nerve to say she felt like she was loosing him to me.. C's mother has also taken advantage of me, when the alternator went out on my car, she told me she had a mechanic friend who could fix it for 400 dollars, so I gave her 400 dollars of my hard earned money later to find out the alternator would have costed me 40bucks tops, and 100 altogether with instillation.She in essence stole from me...and I'm sure she did it on purpose. I was dumb and trusted her. I remember we we're bickering about his nephew's bday party(C's mother is hosting event at her home...again) and I told him I would not be attending, and that his mother needs to stop guilt tripping him about our attendance. I told him I did not want to be asked at a 2 year olds birthday party in front of family and their friends when I was going to have children, because I knew full well that is exactly what was going to happen. He finally left for the event, and when he returned home he told me his mother had put him on the spot in front of everyone "So does this make you change your mind about ever having a little one". I knew it!!I had to do the I told you so moment. Things progressed from there, I kept telling him he needed to put a healthy boundaries between his family and us. Things like marriage and children should be off limit topics, but he kept allowing his mother to invade my space. At the time he was very much in support of his mother, and that there was no wrong doing. No one on my side, family friends was pressuring me about children and marriage, so I didn't understand why his mother was. Granted his is the only son, but god it was hard to deal with... So his mother would continue her calls, to my cell and his 5-6 or more if she couldn't get a hold of him or myself...she would get very loud and guilt trip him (overheard her on the phone doing this, he looked like a rat backed into a corner as he tried to get words in like "I'm an adult" muffled by guilting him. I started seeing that she liked to be in control, like the matriarch of the family. Fast foward...Once when thanksgiving hit, the power went out on her block and we went to pick up the turkey and sides to cook at our home. We hadn't planned on doing any cooking that day and C's mother decided it would be wise to send C's sister, and brother in law over to cook their things at our house as well, even though 1. No one asked if that was ok with either of us, and 2. they had a perfectly working and functioning kitchen downtown (15mins away). But because C's sister and brother in law love pawning the grandkids off on his Mother, because she lives for those children they come over to our home so they can "get away". Even though we are busting our asses to get everything read for the 15guests coming to C's mother's house for Thanksgiving!! When I say get away, they want to come over to drink and such while we are busting our asses in that hot, tiny kitchen!! I also had my little sister over, because C, her and I had planned to spend time together before going over to the event. Brother in law was useless and refused to help with preparation of foods, so C, his sister and I are trying to cook in our tiny kitchen, as C and my little sister take each dish over to his Mother's after its done all the while being RUSHED!! So we finally finish cooking and sending dishes over, C's sister and brother in law stay at his mother's, we told them I had to bake my last dish (which only took 20mins to do because I had prepped the night before). The mother kept calling us, as if we needed to hurry up after cooking her items, and C's sisters. I had a WTF moment, as we are rushing to get over to C's mother's home. We all sit down to dinner, no power in candle light. This is the first time I have brought my ANYONE in my family around his family because his family is not as...well restrained as my own at family events. C's grandmother asked me how my new job was going, and because we we're tired, stressed and hungry from cooking, and I did not like my new job I told her I didn't really like my job so maybe we could discuss it another time.So his aunt called me a ***** in front of everyone...I ignored her. I had cooked many a dinners for his aunt and she knew at the time I was a vegetarian, I tried some of the casserole she had made, even though it looked gross just to be polite. She snickers, and starts telling me how there is meat in there and do I like it, she was having a bawl because I ate it...Then she asked me infront of everyone if the reason I didn't eat meat was because I was Jewish...she knew I wasn't Jewish because we had many dinners together before and discussed the meat issue. I felt attacked, but kept my composure together, because C's whole family was in attendance. I nicely packed up my tupper ware, and a bit of food to go, and C, my sister and I left after a bit. I was ti cked, and when my little sister went home I let C have it...I told him that his aunt's behavior was unacceptable especially in front of my sister! He still wanted to act like he had no idea about the things that we're said to me. I was getting sick of C not sticking up for me... C's mother continued to get worse, when I texted his aunt a very short and sweet message telling her word for word "I did not understand your behavior towards me, and that is was unwarranted. You stay out of my way I will stay out of yours. No name calling, no immature crap. We we're at her home picking up something, and C's mother had gotten tipsy and decided to confront me saying C's aunt is family and she will always be here. I told her that was fine and I would spend holidays with my family. Since she was tipsy she kept repeating herself, and needed the liquid courage to confront me in such a manner. She kept saying how C's aunt said she was referring to honey boo boo child as being a *****, not me...even though his aunt was talking directly to me and there was no mention of honey boo boo anytime that night. I told her I did not appreciate being fed meat and than patronized, along with being put on the spot about me being "Jewish". C's mother told me I was too sensitive. Finally C breaks into the conversation and tells his mother that he heard everything and that she should know how his aunt is, because she has done similar things to other people. C's mother breaks into hysterics and starts crying telling us she has breast cancer (this woman got a mammogram and was awaiting results...it was a typical mammogram for woman her age..50+ but she had to cause drama so she could take herself out of the hotseat. I'm in disbelief that a woman her age is using the tactics of a 5 year old to get her way!!! I told C I would drive the truck home and come pick him up and that he should be there for his mom right now (so I can calmly leave the situation). C comforts his mom a bit, and we finally leave. I told C she was manipulating him, but he only half agreed with me... I think he wanted to believe the best in her... Her tactics get crazier she played phone tag with our phones one evening when we went out shopping for two hours this woman called both of o ur cell phones, which i told him not to answer because he would jump up for her calls during the most ridiculous moments, sex...talks..etc...If it was important she could leave a message, I was tired of her interference. When C finally returns her call 2 hours later, she guilted him again about how she was having an asthma attack and needed her inhaler. The same inhaler she gave to C...WTF. I told him to get his own inhaler because this was ridiculous, and she would be dead if she had an asthma attack for two whole hours, and no she did not go to the hospital she just wanted attention. Every time he tried to space himself from her she got more desperate. Then she buys us a land line...because according to her why do we have phones if we aren't going to answer them. This was another intrusive tactic she was using, and I told him he needed to return the land line phones to her because this is not boundaries for a healthy adult relationship. When he came home with hives he had caused from work, she had to call our house to make sure he was ok, and when he didn't answer (and she knew I was at work) she came by and unannounced, he tried implementing the boundaries telling her not to come by unannounced and she put on the water works they had some words and she went home all for lack of a better term butt-hurt. C and I we're separated for a month and a half, and she told him it was a relief that I was gone. We couldn't be apart and got back together, thank goodness because I was miserable without him and he was miserable without me. Now I'm back in the picture C has distanced himself from his family on his own accord this time, and C's sister wanted C to come over and put fill dirt from their yard into back of truck for hours on his only weekend in 2weeks...and C's mother called to ask him to do this...even though C's brother in law can do it...C has a bad knee and he will be needing surgery so C didn't want to do it and told his mother he and I had plans. C's sister called his cellphone several times, to which he ignored..we were doing our "thing"...if you know what I mean. C's sister proceeds to call the house not once or twice but like 5 times, and then leaves a nasty message saying "Hey C, its your sister ass**** pick up the phone". C explicitly told me not to pick up the phone. So C and I get all cleaned up and are getting ready for the day. C's sister actually shows up at our front doorstep pounding on the door. C opens the door to his sister yelling "What the f*ck you can't answer the door, I cal led you like 10 times". C tells her we we're busy, C's sister then says "Well she couldn't have answer the phone???", C says no we were busy, she then says "Don't bring that c*** around me again", referring to me. and starts to bring up something stupid that had led to our separation..C tells her to leave and she does. I was so hurt, and he was so embarrassed. C confronts his mother, because we are pretty sure she instigated this, and C's mother says she is sorry but C's sister is probably mad at me because of our separation...anyway, we have distanced ourselves completely and C's mother doesn't call our home phone at all pretty much anymore since she knows I am back. C told me he will no longer tolerate his families disrespect towards me, and he already lost me once and doesn't want to ever lose me again. We both agree we don't care what anyone else has to say or thinks and we love each other. My resentment toward him has turned into building trust everyday with each other , since he no longer will allow his family to inflict pain upon me. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, he is my best friend, and my biggest supporter. I want a long marriage with this man. Thanks for sticking by for this long winded story, now my question is...How can we go about repairing things...I want to be the bigger person but have alot of bones to pick with C's mother because of her treatment of me. I refuse to allow her to bully me anymore, but want the holidays to be something we don't have to split every single year. What advice can you offer me, because granted I'm not marrying his family but the future-in-laws aren't going anywhere soon.:confused: Should I sit C's mother down, and his sister desperately? What can you offer me from experience with your own monster-in-laws. Thank you in advance!

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