My Sad Story

I have been reading these threads for a week now and although I know what I should be doing, the question is how to I get there? Here is my story: I'm 44 & my wife is 48. We have been married 19 years and are best friends. I thought we had a great marriage overall, but things changed drastically a few weeks ago. We got into an argument and I mentioned a separation. I think I did it more as a threat, which backfired. She wholeheartedly agreed and it was like a switch went off in her head. Her whole attitude changed. She said she didn't love me anymore and has not been overly happy for the past couple of years. It hit me like a brick, she was so caring before. I honestly thought our marriage was good. I told her we could work on our marriage and any issues we have. She said she is tired and is past that point. We are separating, but she says divorce is the long term answer and won't agree to therapy or anything. Right now, she said she needs her "space". It's hard for me to understand how you can be best friends and spend all your extra time with someone, tell them you love them one day and then bam, move on and become so disconnected. In her defense, she says when she is nice or sympathetic, I take it the wrong way. She travels a lot for work so she has been out of town for a week. We used to text or talk several times a day when she traveled, but now she will only text or call if I beg her. Today I texted her and asked her to call me. She did and when I talked to her she seemed happy and was shopping? Shopping? I can't even get out of bed I'm so distraught. I ended by saying I loved her and she said "OK" which has been the norm. I have done all the wrong things-text her constantly, call, begged, cried, etc.. Again, I know these are wrong, but I just can't understand how she can seem so OK with this. I have even had suicidal thoughts lately, although I don't think I could ever do that. A little about me - It's been a rough couple years, which makes this timing even worse. We moved here a couple years ago. She has a well paying job and loves her career and is very busy. I started a business which failed and had to file for bankruptcy. I have been unemployed for a year now. So she travels the country and I sit home waiting for her to call to tell me about her day. Anyways, this whole experience has made me realize how co dependent I am (emotionally and financially) which I never realized. I can't sleep, eat, or exercise. I get so upset I almost puke. I started smoking, which I haven't done in many years. All I think about is what I did wrong and how to get her back and how life would really suck without her. When I get this way, what do I want to do? - text or call my her! This week I went to the doctor who set me up with some anxiety meds and I also made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow. But I'm not very optimistic. So, she comes home tomorrow. She has told me to take my time in moving out-she knows I don't have a job and no money or friends here. My confidence is at an all time low. The problem is, with her seemingly moving on with her life, it makes it hard for me to be in the house with her, because all I want to do is talk about our relationship, beg, cry, and smother her, which she obviously wants no part of. Again, I know the answers are to get help, leave her alone, exercise, and eat right, do the 180, etc... But I just can't get my mind and body to do these things because she is my best friend and always talked to her about anything. Each day (and night) is absolutely hell. I have a chance at a job about an hour away. I thought if I got the job, maybe I could get an apartment there. Also, my family is many miles away in the midwest. But my sick mind tells me if I move there, then there would be no chance for reconciliation. That's my story. I don't think anyone has the magical answer, but thought I would share and maybe it will make me feel a little better to put it in words. Thanks for listening.

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