Please give me some guidance.

Hello everyone. I need some help. Me and my husband have been fighting on and off (as in every other day) for the past month because I have been struggling with forgiving him for some very hurtful, disrespectful things he did to me. Among these, he's slammed me by my throat more than three times and sexually looked at photos of my sister (and tried to hide it.) I accepted that he needs psychiatric help but that I can't take it any longer. For a month we've been struggling with whether we should stay together any longer. I'd decided that I no longer want to be with him. I told him this and we agreed to separate. I know that the reason that I no longer want to be with him is because I know longer have the feelings I used to have towards him and too many hurtful things have been done for me to forgive him in order to get those feelings back. I did go out with a friend and we did end up doing sexual things, and I do feel that emotional connection with him. I am trying to think logically and make the correct choices. My husband is saying that we will try to forgive me but I have to cut off all ties with the man I was with. Which is understandable. However what I'm struggling with is that I feel I will never have that connection with my husband. If I had to describe my husband, it would be immature, lazy and mean as well as every kind of abusive. He is nice with the children, but I worry that the abuse will spread to them also as he has had a very short temper with them before, cusses around them and does get very handsy. I never wanted to be in an abusive relationship but I've allowed it and now I'm trying to fix it. It isn't this man that I want to leave him for, it's wanting to have a life that isn't filled with chaos and fear, and possibly to find someone that actually has an interest in working and being a successful, nice person with enough respect not to lay hands on me. I've come to realize that everything I felt towards my husband before I knew how he truly acted once living with someone I am feeling towards this man. And again it isn't the man I want, it's those feelings, of being with a normal, non-borderline psychopath man. And so I'm struggling... because I feel pressured to stay because he is hurt and at the hope that everything will become better and normal with time. But I feel that staying will kill any chance at a happy life because life with him is either very good or extremely bad. He is either very nice or hurtful to the point that it seems there is no love left. What I've done is wrong, I get that, and it hurt him. And he's willing to take me back. But what if I don't know if I want to go back? Deciding to stay with him literally feels like a life-sentence to prison. I see huge trouble in the future regarding his not wanting to get a job to help support our family, the abuse getting worse, his drinking getting worse, and I do not feel strong enough or motivated enough to try and encourage him to get better. But all I can think is that I've shared so much time and unforgettable experiences with him, not all bad. He was there when my son was pulled from me, he has seen them grow up from little babies to toddlers. And no one can replace that. I feel the correct choice is to run fast and fight for happiness and peace. I've tried to be the unwavering pillar for him to lean on when he needs it but the constant going back on promises and actions done that he admitted he did just to hurt me has made me withdraw from that position and lose my love and faith in him. The big question of if we are really, finally going to separate has been put on me and it's being put in the form of "My husband or him (the man I slept with)" however the question feels, to me, as if it's "Life very well destined to unhappiness and the promise of having someone to lay down with at night, or possible happiness along with possibly never having a husband again?"

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979